I’ve always been a very impatient person.
That is why I like painting, cleaning something that
is really, really dirty, trimming hedges and so on,
you see immediate result! And I need my immediate
result fix every now and then to keep my sanity.
Well, getting cancer kinda messes everything up,
even my immediate result fixes.
Somehow I lost them completely! Not that I don’t
trim hedges anymore or paint something that doesn’t
really needs to be painted, but it’s all the small things
that life’s all about that I do not have any control over
anymore, and somehow I cannot find the patience to
see the end results. So now I start to wonder if I’m
losing my sanity as well…
In America people LOVE their pills….. pain pills,
sleeping pills, energy pills, concentrating pills, anti-
depression pills, diet pills, making love pills maybe
even more then they love their shrinks, or dr. Phil.
It is truly unbelievable all those pills that an average
family has in their cupboards. I do not like pills. After
one and a half year of many, many pills and don’t forget
the chemo, I am sick of pills. So I think I’m not going to
tell anybody, that well, maybe things aren’t that dandy.
First thing they want to do is sent me to a shrink or get me
on some fabulous cheer me up pills!? And I do not want
Live can’t be that bad, cancer is gone, farm is still
here (bank didn’t take it yet), have a great family and I
can look at my horse every day. What could there possibly
be to bitch about.
So I figure I must be stuck in an after chemo, pick
your life up, and get over it fase.
Makes things a bit harder when you are an impatient
person, I just don’t want to wait for it!
I just want to go back to normal, right now, where I
am the nice blond who chased her American dream,
always being positive who laughs at and with people,
doesn’t worry about every little single thing that goes
wrong, doesn’t feel that she has to change the world
and doesn’t feel like shit every time she yells or gets
angry with somebody for some silly reason, and that
happens often lately…
I did some research and apparently the chemo I had
does mess up the way you think, behave and act. Well
I have to believe I can change it back, somehow the old
me must be still in here and I should be able to grab it
and pull it back out. Just haven’t gotten there yet.
Ruff (Philomachus pugnax)
45 minutes ago