Miracles do happen…

When hundreds & hundreds of people who you do not know, still say prayers every morning  & evening and keep having faith & hope when you might have lost it a little bit…

When hundreds & hundreds of people that we do not all, know sent cards, gifts & lovely surprises just to show their support and love…

When you are able to see your husband smiling at you each morning and say “Hello Honey”, and when family & friends come over often to just do, “fun things”… And look at our Alpaca's...

 
In the previous blog post I told you all about being admitted to the hospital and doing my “Poopie Dance”. And I have been dancing ever since, because I wake up in the morning! The doctors gave me about two weeks to two months to live…   Yes..      I know..

It is the eleventh of December now…!!!

For me that is one miracle every day. Not that it this is easy. Because you KNOW you could NOT wake up the next morning. But really that is not even the scariest part. Because I believe that (hopefully) somebody saved me a little spot up there in Heaven… so no reason to be scared about dying itself.

The more scary part is the how…

I am afraid that my family or Bastiaan will have bunches and bunches of trouble with me because I’m gonna go a little crazy on them, like talking like a crazy person, (Yeah I know, I already do that sometimes, haha) . But it worries me, to become somebody I do not know.

Or worse that they have to take care of me 24/7…

I am a very independent lady (yes, stubborn.. hehe), and I want to do things my way. It was sooooo hard to give up “control” of the farm because, for one I love it so much and for two, It was kinda my dream. Having had your dream and then having to give it up again is though… But I know it is in good hands with my family and Bastiaan.

And at least MY DREAM CAME TRUE…

How wonderful is that?!?

Last Year Emily Caldwell from Progressive Dairyman wrote a story about me and my Family. She did a wonderful job of writing it up and won an award! She also managed to get us to the number 1 spot on their most read articles!!! If you click on the link below you can find the updated article and the original article!

Progressive dairyman Article!

I don’t know how many more posts I can write. I would love too, but I just don’t know. My eyesight is not doing so well, and my “thinking cap” seems to be lost some days. But I will promise you, if something happens I will make sure you get an update. Please check Facebook, The Four Leaf Clover Dairy website and of course here at my blog.

Maybe the doctors are “wrong” again and I’m still typing away in a year from now! I love you all.

And miracles do happen, you know…

…

Doing the "Poopie" Dance

It has been to long…
It has been to hard…
And there had to be too many difficult decisions to be made…

Down the drain and/ or toilet bowl goes the “upbeat attitude” for the fifth time that day because another set of pain killers did not want to do their trick and since going to the bathroom and trying to perform a solid #2 (which yes can actually be a relief for some people, especially after 10 days…) Life just starts slipping away…

And it did.

 
Somewhere on or around the 14^th day of this past beautiful September month Bastiaan “stuffed” me in the BMW. I wasn’t really at the point of complaining anymore, I was just ready to head for the biggest besets tree and show everybody that I was NOT afraid of dying but that this pain & suffering and hurtfulness needed to stop. For everybody!  Not just me…

Of course I did not drive, and we arrived safely at the hospital  with Dr Nala, She was fast, no crazy questions, no accusations, only understanding and a,” what are we going to do now attitude?!”  About three weeks before this horrible Thursdays we had started the new drug: Yeroy (Maybe you have seen the pics on my Facebook website as well as the Love For Leontien site, Thank you girls!) and we were feeling good about it.

Yervoy is a biologic therapy so it it’s not a “chemo” and it works differently but the main goal of course is the same:  to “kill” all the little nasty cells and live a long and happy life. But three weeks into the therapy I had was having some pain in my shoulder.  I did not think much of it because, me being me, I just felt the need to mow the ENTIRE yard the day before…  Well… we have a really nice lawnmower and the sun was just about down ,  it was a good day… so I thought why not…? Besides the side effects were not that bad, a little nauseated, tired, constipated, a little of everything but nothing really worth mentioning… I was doing fine…

But I really did feel a little “whipped” after I got off of the lawnmower, but no worries…  No “little” lawn is going to bring me down!

We decided that we could start with round two of the Yervoy, because the pain in the shoulder was pretty annoying but I still thought it was going to be OK and the side effects were doable. The only thing that worried me a bit was that I had all these little “spots” popping up, like, they were everywhere.  But Dr Nala explained that it was a normal side effect and they had seen that happen in different patients before.

And then the pain got worse…

Bastiaan was on the phone every day with the doctor’s office to see if there was something we could use to make sure the pain went away. But it didn’t. And then I stopped eating. Well, I wasn’t going to the bathroom no more, and everything that did go down were pills and crackers while trying not to puke them back up…

The really bad part was when I did not know how to lie down anymore, that’s when you know you’re in trouble. If you don’t know how to sit, lay, stand, hold yourself anymore that’s when your hubby says “enough is enough” and will take you to the hospital.  Even though you still think you can though it out…

That day Dr Nala looked at me for 2 seconds and says you are staying here with us.

By nightfall we had done all kinds MRI’s and CAT scans, and other tests and they had put me on some serious pain medication. And then morning came…

And results…

Seven weeks ago my brain was clean/clear/empty (yes,  I do  remember joking about it being blond and all…) in other words it was fine…

It is not fine anymore. They found little cherry tomato size tumors in my head.  And not just one, no there were five of them, besides multiple little ones. Also the found out why I had so much pain in my shoulder, it was because some other little tumor was  pressing up against a nerve in my spinal column which caused the excruciating pain.  We did decide that day that we were going to do radiation on the head as well as the spinal cord, because the chance of me getting into major problems with one of those brain tumors was just to big. Doing the radiation on the spinal cord was an “easier” decision because it would mean, hopefully, less pain…

We did 10 days of radiation (I even got my Certificate, that I completed the treatment, whoohoo!!!)

We started eating again as soon as Saturday! But only the GOOD stuff, like fresh fruit, whipped cream, fries, chocolate cake, chips, you get the picture…

And yes after 13 days of not being able to go to the bathroom I have to say actually did a little “poopie” dance!!! On the toilet, by myself… didn’t think anybody needed to see that… but I did it anyway!

Bastiaan took me home
It was a good day…

A lot has happened since and I am really trying to get everything on paper, but currently I am on 20 different medicines and I sleep a lot. If I am not sleeping we have been so blessed with family and friends that come on over or take the time to write or call, so our house is never really empty…

And I do look at the Flowers for Leontien Page  & The Love for Leontien Page  (please go and have a look!) a lot and that I haven’t written you does not mean I forgot about you it just means I’m running out of time… Thank you so so much for your support,  I really would have been a little bit lost without all of your prayers and kind words…

Since getting out of the hospital and now a lot has happened yet again... And i am not quite ready yet to put that down on paper so you have to bear with me, yet again... a little bit longer...

…

Sometimes I wish

Sometimes I wish

I wish that it was like it used to be, let’s say, 25 years ago…

No worries, playing with grandma what it would be when I was all grown up.

Well, I’m grown up all right, and it is absolutely nothing like I thought it was going to be.

Bastiaan and I went to the hospital last Friday to get the results of the scan we had the previous Monday.

The good news was that nothing really got any bigger, the doc did see some “new” spots but he thought they were already there last time, before we started the IL-2 treatment. They were new to us, so I just hope the doctor is right (and yes I trust him so I shouldn't worry too much…). The not so good news was, of course, that they didn't get any smaller either...

I know this all is actually good news and I know I should be really happy, the news that we got Friday was above all our (mine for sure, which is only proof that I still don’t know my body) expectations, but “happy” doesn’t seem to be on the menu lately.

I think that is why I’m having such a difficult time writing, I do not want to be negative (I always imagined my little stories to be positive and hopefully make people laugh) or write negative stories/blog posts, so I didn’t write at all for (what seems to  me) a incredibly long time…

Sorry it took me so long

Your prayers, gifts, cards and above all love still give me inspiration every day. And if you can hang in there with me a little bit longer I am (almost) sure we are going to be oke and smile like that little girl again…


...

The C stands for ...

When we were in the hospital something amazing happened!
Well... I think it was pretty amazing, anyway...

It is very uplifting/humbling to see your life story written down by somebody else, it sure makes you feel very blessed! I really hope you like Emily's article!

And i am sorry but you have to click the link in order to get to the article (maybe even open a new window)...

Chasing a Dream: One woman's fight for a Dairy farm life


...

Things are going well. Every new day is a better one then the day before. Hopefully we are going to see the girls today! And i am sure happy to be back here with all of you!

Round Two starts Today...

OK, today is the day.
Bastiaan and I are heading back to Indy...

My little sister came back from The Netherlands again for a couple of weeks to support all of us and I am pretty sure my mom, dad and little brother are going to do an awesome job keeping the farm running. Making sure the boys (our employees) and our girls (our cows) are getting the best of everything.

Still incredibly scared but ready to fight again if the doctor says we are going to go for round two but since we are not quite sure what the doctor is going  to say (probably "yes, let's do it") it is not only scary but also a bit nerve racking...

It might be a while before I see you all again. But I am gonna assume it will be not too long...

I'm gonna miss you!

In case we are a little bit longer gone... Bastiaan might have given an update on Love for Leontien


...

Back in the land of the Living...

My gosh…

Cancer Butt Kicking is HARD!!!

I remember the first day in the hospital

I remember the last day of being in the hospital

I remember it being so hard to breathe

I remember Bastiaan being there… always…

When you gain about 7 pounds in 3 days you look like a tomato. And no I don’t mean a cute little tomato  on a little green limb but a FAT, I do not feel happy RED ( called the IL-2 tan) I’m almost falling of off my stick tomato! Being like a tomato is not a good thing. Especially when you keep telling the doctor you are feeling “peachy”…

I got 12 treatments in. They (the doctor and very sweet nurses) say this is a really good thing cause the total you can get is 14 treatments in the first round. We started Monday the 17^th. Every eight hours they would give me the Inter Leukin, but by Thursday I had accumulated so much fluid that my heart had a lot of trouble pumping all my blood to my organs.

A little birdie told me once that it is pretty important to have your heart pump blood around too all your organs all the time...

So Dr Logan and his team stopped treatment and they focused on “fixing me up” quick so my heart didn't get crazy ideas.  Which I think was a super idea!  We stayed in on the Intensive Care Unit until Tuesday the 25^th instead of Sunday the 23th (like normal IL-2 patients) because they wanted to make sure I was all right, that my heart was doing fine, and the fluid was decreasing. Also I needed to get my strength back and get of off the oxygen, (like those little old ladies you see in the movies toting around one of those oxygen tanks… although I didn't walk at all at that time…) and start breathing normally.

I don’t remember very much of being in the hospital, only what my family tells me I did or didn’t do. But maybe that is better. It must have been very hard on them though….

Today I have been home for a week. I can shower by myself (WHOOHOO!!!), I can breathe, read and write again (Oh Yeah Baby) and I can talk walks outside and see Classic, Jones and the crazy cats. I have been to the farm for the first time yesterday and seen our girls...

Life is good.

But this was only part one.

In order to do the full Inter Leukin Treatment (and kill kill kill all those nasty cells) we have to do another round off 5 days Intensive Care…

And, well… we are not sure my heart can take another round. So this week were going to fuel up, get strong, get stamina back and learn to walk to the other side of the house and not be totally exhausted… (no, our house is NOT that big…) AND do a stress test. This stress test is to see if my heart can take another round. They are also going to draw some blood and we are going to see Dr Logan again.

In the mean time I just am overwhelmed (in a GOOD way) with your prayers, cards, gifts, presents, flowers, bears, cookies, socks, pirate games, monkeys in a jar, lollypops, crèmes and all the other goodies you guys sent me and continue to feel very much blessed and loved! You Crazy American’s really do things bigger and better!!! Haha!

THANK YOU!!!

...

Ready... Set... Go...

Ok, you better all get your undies and toothbrush gathered cause you get to visit!!!

The Plan (and yes “The Plan” might change a bit when we move closer to the "starting date") but we have decided on going to Indi. Yes I know this might come (a little bit) as a shock and truth to be told, Chicago was really nice, the people were very sweet and the doctors very knowledgeable but we felt that we wanted to be a bit closer to home...

I really need all of you, my family, my friends, my buddies (Classic, Jones and the cats) and girls (our cows)  to beat this thing with me and I thought I would feel kinda lonely in Chicago... And yes this may seem a bit silly... But i feel stronger this way and ready too fight, so Bastiaan and I thought this would be a good reason because we need to be as strong as possible. In Chicago they told us that we always could come back if necessary, which was a good and nice thing to know.

So, while we decided on where to go, more tests were done, more test results came back and all the treatment options were presented to us. Out of the three options we have chosen for Inter leukin IL-2, this is a fancy smancy name for a shitty (yes I said it) drug, that hopefully will boost my immune system and knock all those nasty cells out of my body. And no, I am not a nurse or doctor so I might not have used the perfect terms to describe it but I think you get the whole picture if you click on the link (which you don't have to cause its no fun anyway).

The Plan in Indy is as follows: We are going to go to the hospital, I will get admitted to the Intensive Care Unit and I will stay there a whole week. They only do five days of treatment, every eight hours, but we'll need the two extra days to recover. Then we will go home for a week, rest... And we will be back at the Intensive Care the following week and we'll do it all over again, if (and this is a big IF apparently) my body (and mind) can stand the treatment.

The side effects are pretty nasty, so I am not going to name them (The list is too long and a tiny bit depressing…). The good thing is that we will have all day visiting rights!!! Whoohoo... Only two people at the same time, but well… I was pretty happy about that!

Bastiaan and my family can stay most of the time and if they need to go home for a bit, (maybe to drive around in some tractors, look at the cows and talk to all the boys, which can be pretty relaxing after spending a lot of time in the IC) somebody else can come for a bit and stay with me...?

There you go, that is The Plan. Having a private party while doing some MAJOR cancer kicking in Indy while wearing our scull panties and new PJ’s!!!  It sounds good to me…

…

How a girls still loves her horse!

It was 1998 and being in a different country (Canada), speaking a different language was not easy, but manageable. A bit harder to manage is riding 15 horses a day, cleaning stalls and look after the mommies and babies. But given there are 24 hours in a day, it is doable…


Nice thing about working with babies and mommies there are usually daddies too! And daddies make a difference! Since i was a little girl I had a soft spot for Walt Disney movies, you know the ones that always end right, the good guy gets the pretty girl and no animals die, ever, or the go to doggy heaven.

So being in a foreign county with all these beautiful horses was just fantastic! There was one in particular, a Morgan stallion named Fox Trim Classic. He was just like the Black Stallion, but sweeter! Basically he was just big pup, but nobody had the guts to compare a horse to a dog, so i just thought he was fantastic. I had the pleasure to ride him in a big show two weeks after i got to meet him and every day after that. I just loved the “big”  (only 15.2 which is really not that big) boy. 


I grew quite fond of his owner as well and I told her if I was EVER going to move to The States and if she EVER wanted to sell him for whatever reason I would take him! Off course being 19 years old and very optimistic and naive about live, I thought it was a reasonable suggestion...

And live goes on.


When we moved to the States in 2006 it never occurred to me that Classic, would still around. He had to be in his twenties and after a full life of breeding every mare presented to him, I didn’t think it was a possibility, of him being alive and kicking… 


I was wrong (in a very good way, wrong)!


In April of 2008 we got the earth shocking news that I had cancer. After that news I was very lost and lonely (even with all my loving family and friends surrounding me) and it was a hectic and stress full time. 


Two weeks after I received the shocking news I got another phone call. From the woman who had Classic!?! If I would be interested in having him, he was all retired and she needed a good home for him, she was getting a divorce and needed to find him a good new home.

After 12 years I said YES right away! It was just a gift from heaven, to let me know that I didn’t have to battle cancer all by myself …


So he came, a little more gray, being beautiful, understanding, sweet and powerful and during chemo, every time if I felt I just couldn’t do it no more I just had to look outside the window and see my black stallion and I know I could…

This all happened three years ago and i STILL look out the window every ten minutes to see if he is there. If we are at the farm and i know bad weather is coming, i will run home and make sure a he and his buddy Jones are ok. And yes, i will make Bastiaan go outside, right before we go to bed, and check up on him. Just in case... And i know Bastiaan doesn't mind...

I am also pretty sure that just like us, he's ready for round two and kick some cancer butt again. He sure is my Black Stallion!

This was one of my first posts from 2009 a little bit changed (no new pictures i just didn't have the time...), i hope you liked it (again)!


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We got home from Chicago and it is decision making time. What doctor, which hospital and what treatment... All of these different decisions make my head spin... Though choices are never easy ;-)

Crazy Americans that I LOVE

Ok, so last Monday the 15th  I got this HUGE surprise!
Never in a million years i would have thought that this would happen! I feel extremely blessed and thankful and much, much stronger now too fight this thing even harder!

The sweet ladies from Real Farmwives of America put up a special Facebook page... for me!?!... called: Love for Leontien to give me an extra push in the right direction (as in keep fighting)! But if you have no facebook (yet) or just quit facebook because of all the (crazy) changes you can also visit the Real Farmwives of America blog and meet the ladies who were so incredibly sweet to get this whole crazy "Love Bombing" started! Well, and the Power to the Panties, Kick Cancer's Butt Movement of course... Hehe...

Just know we love you all for being soo good to me, everybody who commented, sent emails, sent cards, Facebooked, hyved, called us on the phone, texted, stopped by the house/farm and prayed for us AND being fantastic friends! We could not fight this fight without all of you!

At the moment were back in Chicago, tomorrow (hopefully) they can tell us what kind of treatment we are going to try...

It'll be alright.

...

And just in case you missed the first Crazy Americans and you are wondering what this crazy talk is about:

Crazy American's and Public Restrooms

 





Ugly things...

Yep, this says it all...

And do you see those pieces of dust on its body???!!!

Good thing I'm not scared of ugly things (yeah, yeah except spiders...)!

Chicago here we come!


...
And for all your sweet ladies (and gentlemen) who wanted my address, here is the link to our website, Four Leaf Clover Dairy, (www.fourleafcloverdairy.com) and there you can find all our contact info! Thanks!!!

Rainbow colored basket case

My gosh!

I just can’t keep up! It is truly amazing what you guys are doing!

I feel simply overwhelmed with sweetness, kind thoughts and prayers and it sure is a good kind off “being overwhelmed” and yes I’m going to visit all of your blogs soon! I should have some “free” time coming up…

I was planning on a funny story… I have several…  But they don’t want to come out of my head. Last week has been a roller coaster and we haven’t seen the end yet. Since I posted last Monday I have not seen a doctor. Apparently it is really hard to figure out what is going in my breast on so they need some more time. In the mean time Bastiaan and the rest of the family have insisted I go get a second opinion, so I made some phone calls and maybe next week we are going on a little trip… to a special cancer center that is.

Which makes me very scared, because I like to stay here, in my own bed. With our own bathroom (that is getting really pretty by the way) and with our own animals. I don’t really want to be shipped off to a place where there are only sick people in a strange hospital in a strange bed without my wonderful stud and crazy Jones who keeps barking at coyotes in the middle of the night (which drives me absolutely NUTS…)! Last time we did this (the chemo thing) I was absolutely happy to go get “better” every other day to go and focus on the bookkeeping, talking to Colby about the girls, and minding my brothers business. So now I am scared that if I don’t have all these things to keep me busy, how in the world am I suppose to get better…

But…

Maybe being away from home makes me focus more on getting better, instead of worrying about the farm all the time (which is a common thing for farmers, and which comes like a second nature to me, I was after all the one with the “American dream” to milk cows in this amazing country)…. and actually GET BETTER?

Though choice…

Today (Thursday) we go to Dr Nala and hopefully we will find out about what the game plan is. And if she thinks that maybe we need to go to “a special place” I think I will pack our suitcase and stuff in full of “home”, get my scull pantie  (yes I really need some more of those) and hop on the plane with Bastiaan, see how windy the windy city really is…

In the mean time I’m gonna make one hundred mistakes a day at the farm (cause I just can’t focus), automatically knowing my sweet hubby, mom & dad and little brother are fixing them behind my back, continue being a little rainbow colored chameleon who changes color ever five minutes (just like my emotions, by the way, this sound WAY more romantic then it really is…) and just ENJOY and feeling incredibly BLESSED with reading your comments, suggestions and cyber hugs!

Cancer butt kicking is going to be a piece of cake with all of you by my side…

Bent

If I fall along the way

Pick me up and dust me off

And if I get too tired to make it

Be my breath so I can walk

If I need some other love

Give me more than I can stand

And when my smile gets old and faded

Wait around I’ll smile again

Shouldn’t be so complicated

Just hold me and then

Just hold me again

Can you help me I’m bent

I’m so scared that I’ll never

Get put back together

Both biopsies were positive

Dr Nala had no good news to share
And right now i do not know how or why this is happening...

Wednesday we have to go back and discuss treatment and surgery options.  Round two, here we come, ready or not...

I am a fighter but I seem to have lost my sword (and my scull panties for that matter) at the moment. But give me a couple of days and i'll find it back...


...
Bent - Matchbox Twenty

In the spotlight!

When your are a bit blue….

As in, waiting for biopsy results and because of that you simply can’t put a decent word on paper… 

You paint…

Well at least that is what I do…. But because my painting is like my drawing in kindergarten (all over the place)  and as you can see in the picture of our bathroom, i must have been color blind at that time (I blame it on the meds)... I won’t bore you with how MUCH the color is going to CHANGE and yes practice makes perfect so I keep practicing...

Yes this is pinkish and purple... What was i thinking...

But since my right side is still hurting and yes, literally a little bit blue too, BUT only 2 stitches (whoohoo), and i couldn't finish my painting job...  I decided to show you something really neat! We, as in you and I, made it into the Progressive Dairyman Magazine! 

Front page of Progressive Dairyman

The article! Yes you can enlarge and hopefully read...

Oh, so sweet!!!

Even more fantastic is that this magazine goes all over the US! And this makes me happy because i love to spread the word about how fantastic dairy farming, AND blogging is! So thank you all for making this happen i simply could not have done this without you all!

Hopefully tomorrow the waiting ends and i can tell you the good news that everything was negative and that i just have been an incredible stressed, emotional overwhelmed, silly girl! And i can go back to try to be a good wife, thoughtful family member, motivational employer and  good caretaker for all our girls (the cows)... yes i am a bit of a perfectionist, if you didn't already knew... ;-)

Dr Nala here we come!

Big hugs

...

And who are you...???

A mammogram, in my imagination was a terrible/the worst/ incredible scary procedure…But was it really??? NOPE! What it was; it was pretty interesting, to be honest…

I hardly slept the two days before I went, and I have to admit all these Stephen King, Dean Koontz and the other horror story writers I like to read didn’t help, but really, it wasn’t that frightening. Not like the awful,  peeing in your pants feeling that you get with the CAT scan and not as SCARY as feeling like you’re the bad guy with the mask in the Silence of the lambs movie, stuck in a tube that is way too small, SCARY!

Maybe it helps if you have smaller breasts???  It really wasn’t that bad. Not that it was fun, but the nurse was really friendly, explained all my 200 questions per minute in a very patient manner AND her hands were warm! Which I thought was a PLUS!

After we got done, she told me to sit and wait and probably within 15 minutes I could go home.

Well, that did not happen.

They saw “something” high up, pretty much above my right breast and they needed to further “investigate”… So I followed another really sweet nurse and unbuttoned. Good thing those fancy robes only have tree buttons (if you are trembling all over it is pretty hard to undo those little thingies) and she scanned my breast again. I have found out that the more you have intimate parts uncovered amongst total strangers, it easier it gets…. (at least that is what I thought up to last Wednesday…) NOT that it is fun, but it isn’t as scary anymore as it was the first time and I think I had my heart rate under control (for the most part anyway).

Again this didn’t go according to plan. After she took several “pics” she left me by myself in that room. All kinds of interesting tools you got there, plus two computers but not the stuff that you want to play with while the nurse is away… So I just fiddled with my robe and buttons.

She didn’t come back for what seemed like an ETERNITY (I should have asked Bastiaan to come but I wasn’t expecting to do all of this, blame the positive side of me) and when she did, it wasn’t just her, no she brought her superior nurse lady…. “Hhhmmmm….”.

The “new” nurse who was even more skilled in reading ultrasounds and mammograms told me that they had indeed found something “off”, but they weren’t sure what it was. And she wanted to look over herself. So I laid down again. Got gooey stuff all over me and the ladies looked…

Inconclusive.  Just my luck…

BUT it is better to know for sure than to not know exactly what it is and since I already had to go to a surgeon later last week, the sweet nurses told me not to worry (haha….) and talk to Dr. L on Wednesday.

I generally like ALL the nurses, nurse practitioners AND doctors (as you probably know). With that said my trip to the hospital on Wednesday is one of my least favorite.

If you have female problems (whatever they might be) it is nice to have a female doctor. At least I like that… They know what you have and what might be going on in or on your body, maybe a tinsy bit better than their male colleagues . So when I found out I had a man as the surgeon who was going to check out my breasts I felt a little uneasy.  But since I am no sissy and everybody deserves the benefit of the doubt AND because I had seen Dr L. before, I thought I would though it out, get it over with, prove everybody that  there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with me and go home….

So past Wednesday, after being escorted to the examine room by a lovely nurse who said she recognized me from 2 years ago (which was very flattering), putting on a bright pink robe thingy, I sat and waited…

And waited…

And waited some more…

Until I got EXTREMELY upset with everybody and everything! My heart rate went sky high, even higher than with the ultrasound (so yes it was beating almost out of my chest!)! I decided it was not worth the getting upset about waiting part, the doc probably was very busy (it sure didn’t seem like that when I left my little brother in an almost empty waiting room FORTY FIVE MINUTES earlier…) so I waited some more. I didn’t have the guts to go outside my little cubicle, in my paper pink almost fall apart robe thingy anyway…

After almost a full hour of waiting and putting crazy ideas in my head (which happen a lot lately) the doc walked in.  WITH AN ASSISTANT…. And no they did NOT ask me if it was all right that a 20 some year old BOY was gonna see my boobies and they DID NOT apologies for being an HOUR late!

I was in utter shock!

I come from Holland and in Holland we are pretty open about all kinds’ sexuality stuff and yes I know doctors are students before they are doctors BUT I was NOT expecting this and I did not like it! NOT ONE BIT.

But since they did not ask me if it was all right for the boy to stay, and the doc did not explain to me why or what the boy was doing there, I just laid down, zeroed myself to another planet and let them check my breasts. I do think I said yes and no at the right moments and I was aware of the fact that it wasn't the good news I was hoping for but at least it was over in 5 minutes… tops…

You have to believe me, I am no sissy, and I do understand that young folks need to learn, and they can’t learn from books only. But at least they could have asked me if it was oke, for him to be there…?  Since I have been diagnosed 3 and a half year ago I had never felt so vulnerable and like a number as last Wednesday, and you probably knew that because I have been writing a LOT of funny hospital stories although they were not always funny at that time. This was really not one of them.

And to make matters worse, Dr L. and the boy did not know what “it” was so now we have to do a biopsy. This will be biopsy number two this week. Which again is all right with me, because I rather know, then live with the maybe’s…

So this Tuesday I will probably have a blue boobie and Thursday Dr Nala will say… “YOU ARE ALL RIGHT!!!” See…  those words are worth all the blue boobies, blue ribs and young boys who need to learn!

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Enjoy Life

Well the good news is; I didn't light up as a Christmas tree all nice and shiny. The bad news; more testing and thus more waiting.

The waiting is really the hard part. Once you know you can just go and fight the bastard. But as long as you don’t know, you don’t know what or how to fight it. Even if you wear your best panties!

So last Friday when we went to Dr Nala she told us that although the PET scan didn’t show a whole lot we needed to do more testing because there were several spots that she didn’t trust.

So today (Monday) I will be going and will get my boobies squished, for real this time not like last time… Wednesday we have to go to get the results and Friday we have to get a biopsy done. And then we wait. Next Thursday Dr Nala will give me the news. At least I hope. Any news is better than no news...

Until then, since it is pretty hard focusing on anything at all lately (wonder why…?) and I have all these idea’s for things/stories I want to tell you in my head, but somehow they don’t make it onto the paper. That is why I’m gonna leave you with this great quote I found at my cyber friend Dolores’s blog: Moving forward with Alzheimer’s.  

There are 5 things in life you cannot recover:

A stone... After it's thrown

A word... After it is said

An occasion... After it's missed

The time... After it's gone

A person... After they die

Life is short. Break the rules. Kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably. And never regret anything that made you smile, Enjoy Life…

So that is what I’m gonna do!

Enjoy all the sweet comments you left me in the last week, which made me feel so special, so loved and so much stronger. Enjoy my wonderful family who I can count on no matter how bad, cranky or desperate I feel. Enjoy my more than fantastic hubby, who makes me feel pretty even if I look like hell. Enjoy the farm where I am so incredibly proud off.  And enjoy my friend for life, crazy black stallion and give him a good rub!

And if Jones is a good boy maybe he can get a good rub too, he’ll enjoy that….

See ya Thursday!

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Cancer Kicking and panties with sculls

Ok, as you might have read in my previous post things aren't going so smoothly and because we still have no results… hopefully later today… and I can’t seem to muster the energy to bring you a nice “I’m a happy pumpkin in a sunny pasture” post, I’m gonna leave you with a Golden Oldie.

I DID wear my panties with a scull yesterday to my PET scan and yes, I washed it last night AND I am wearing it today to Dr Nala, soooo IF something shows up all bright and shiny on my PET scan (which I am SURE will NOT happen…) I can hit the ground running and kick this cancer thingy in the buttocks. Call me crazy but i just feel a little bit stronger, walk a little taller and smile a LOT more wearing these dumb panties while hearing (sometimes life altering) PET/MRI scan results!

And, because we are talking about panties…. I dug up one of my first posts and it is one that I personally like a lot! I’m fairly sure (keep fingers crossed and/or say a little prayer) that next week I’ll be back with new stories and new HOPES and new DETERMINATION (whatever way it may go...)!

And If I haven’t done so already, THANK YOU SOOO MUCH for all your sweet comments on my Putting things in Perspective post, those help in so many more ways than you could ever imagine!  

Mouse hunt in granny pants

I was almost asleep... You know, right at that point were you feel your entire body come at ease...

With a sudden shock i realise there is somebody besides MY BED! And no I'm not dreaming and YES i should be all alone. "O my gosh, there is somebody besides my bed..!"

And then realizing all in a couple of seconds, I'm defiantly not dreaming, i defiantly should start wearing granny pants and pj's (if there would be a crazy man besides my bed, it's less attracting to wear granny pants, i hope) and i defiantly hear something creepy but it's not a man! I turn over to turn on the light and there on my dresser is see a tiny mouse playing hide and seek with my clothes.

Ok, freak out time has officially started, although it's not a scary man but a little tiny mouse.

So I'm watching this little fluff ball running over my dresser back and forth, climbing up and down and trying to sneak under my bed; "I don't think so buddy!". I'm trying to think of a strategy to catch this little intruder, and as a real girl supposed to do, i call my husband and tell him we have a little problem in the bedroom, and ask him if we have some traps. Turned out we did, which is a good thing but that meant, me getting out of bed and putting on some clothes, which is a bad thing...

EVERYBODY knows if you have monsters in your bedroom, you stay IN BED! That way they can't catch/grab or attack you... (Read your Stephen King novels!)

So after some serious consideration i got out of bed, put on some granny pants and got the mouse trap. We had a little bit of left over sausage and i figured my little mouse would like that. So i set the trap, used some sausage as bait, crawled into bed and waited...

And oh my gosh, two feet away (maybe four feet, but it felt really close) comes my little mouse, so cute, and headed right for my trap!

Haha, got you you little bastard...

At the same time that i was hoping i would catch him, i was also hoping that that trap thing would snap really fast so he won't feel nothing, AND thinking that i really can't watch this because it is so MEAN!

The little mouse grabs my sausage and takes off to a safe place underneath the dresser. No snapping of the trap, no me freaking out about killing a little, really cute, mouse. Just utter amazement. That little bastard stole my sausage!

After Bastiaan got home we tried to catch him but no luck (which wasn't a surprise, he just had lunch) and we set some more traps the next day but so far we haven't caught him yet.

Hopefully he went to the neighbors, maybe he can score some more sausage there, cause he's not getting it from me no more!

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Putting things in perspective

I wrote this post  in April 2010.
Sometimes i read it to try, to put things in perspective again. This last week has been a bit (read: a lot) of a challenge. Normally i can stay pretty positive and find a way to convince myself that I'm gonna be just fine. This is not one of those weeks.


What Cancer does to somebody like me...

One year, eleven months and somewhat days ago I got confronted with this awful disease. I can tell you, it wasn't and is not funny.

After several surgeries, lots of pain and fear I got 4 weeks of chemo treatment for 4 hours straight every day. When we were done with the IV's we did 48 weeks of chemo shots, 3 times a week, with one of the most terrible chemical substances that people have invented. Things lasted a bit longer because we had to quit a couple of times (weeks) because my body or mind couldn’t handle it too well...

Cancer does a lot to people... So does the treatment of cancer...

It makes you angry

Angry against the world, because every time you go to the hospital, the people that you meet are in their fifties. "Where are all the young people???" "Am I the only one?" Angry towards the people surrounding you. I doesn’t matter how hard they try, they can’t feel, understand or know what you feel. Even if they are by your side 24/7 in the hospital and at home, keep your hair up when you are puking your guts out in the toilet or when you do NOT want to say ANYTHING because you are to tired to the bone or when they hold you until the shaking has stopped…

Angry towards your friends, you thought they were there, but they are not. Angry towards you family, they do not deserve it, but to admit that to yourself only makes things worse. But most of all angry towards yourself. Because you just can’t understand why this had to happen. And if you could have changed it or prevented it. And of course I am MAD because I thought I could change or adapt to anything. I could do everything and I didn’t NEED anybody. Angry because it is not fair. Angry because it shouldn’t have to be this way. Angry because of all the hurt I caused other people...

It makes you scared
Scared that you never get off of the roller coaster of emotions, your sad, happy, angry and hurt, and all over again. Afraid that with every bump, every little thing that hurts, every little change or little mold, it is coming back... Scared that all the statistics are true. Scared because we have to go back to the hospital every 3 months the coming five years, and you NEVER know what “they” are going to say... Afraid you can never have any little kids, and even if you would, and you would die within two years, Bastiaan would be all alone with that little bundle of love... I can’t do that... Afraid that you can not give the people, who you love the most, what they deserve.

It makes you sad
Because live passed you by for the last two years and you can not get it back. Because you wanted to build friendships but didn’t have the energy to do so. Because you wanted to face the mistakes you made in the past, but that didn’t work out. Because this was supposed to be the new country with the new life and possibilities. Because we are shallow and you do not realize that until you have a hole of 3 by 2,5 inches on you leg and so many other scars on you body you do not even want to count them. Because you are hurting of the scars that mark your hart. Because I, like so many others want to put problems, subject and other things behind us.

You Learn
That if you do not have anything nice to say, it is better to stay quiet. You do not rule the world, even if you think you did. Things happen for a reason, it will not help you if you do not accept them. Sometimes you have to agree that choices other people make are for the best of you. You can not run from whatever it is you are hiding from. It will come and get you eventually.

You feel loved and blessed
Because no matter what happens (your yelling, crying, being silent and everything in between) your family is there for you. Because the boy who wanted to go with you (because you felt the need to milk cows in the USA) has to deal with all of this and STILL loves you. Because people that you hardly know came up to your house and gave you food, money, a friendly smile or other things that would comfort you. Because of the friends that did stay are the ones you need to love the most in return. Because ordinary people with ordinary lives felt the need to pray for YOU! And wished you the best and MEANT it...

Whenever you are sick, your mom, dad, husband, brother, sister, family, friends and all the other people that care for you are a little bit sick too. And if they can fight for you, you should fight for them.

It makes you happy
For every day that you can complain, yell or blabber to your family. That you can look to your husband and realise how much you really love him. That every morning you can get out of bed, and you do NOT have to stay in that stupid bed! Because you can go to your work, because it is a dream come true. Running a large family operated dairy is a gift and blessing, and i am so proud that we can. That I can make choices about who what and were. And that every day, is one day is that I can enjoy.

For the first time since April 2008 I feel like myself again, although it is a totally different me. After 5 terrible days, because yes, they put you on all the meds, but how do you get off of them again!!?? Without sleep, with lots and lot’s of pain, and feeling like a zombie who just like a drug addict is missing out on his shot, and doesn’t feel quite alive, I got out of the shower.

And I am glad to be here...

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Three times is the Charm! Getting Married # 2

I had my wedding dress…
It was gorgeous…
It didn’t fit anymore… I was too skinny.

We were done with the first full month of chemo and into our three times a week for 48 weeks "period", and yes, I had survived so far. I also survived the surgeries and yes, I even survived the fact that we cut my hair (all that was left of it) and I found out that I was more vain then I ever thought I was going to be about the whole hair thing.

Apparently losing your hair doesn’t seem too bad until it is gone… And yes, every Sunday Bastiaan would drive me to the farm so I could do the payroll for our boys who so desperately with him, my parents and my brother were trying to run the dairy…

We didn’t even think about the wedding that we were supposed to have in July…We were in FULL SURVIVOR mode.

Our Catholic priest was also in full survivor mode.

On our way to Ohio is a beautiful church. Exactly like we have them in Holland (big, old and tall) and as soon as Bastiaan had asked me to marry him I told him I would love to get married in that particular church. We only had one little problem…. Bastiaan was not raised Catholic…

We met with the priest and explained that we would love to get married in his church and join his parochial. He told us getting married there would be all right if we went to a “marriage session” and he had to ask the bishop. Of course we also would have to go to church every Sunday and raise our “soon to be” kids Catholic… The session is a whole blog post on its own, trust me…

We went to church, went to the session and got to know the priest a bit better. After we got the "news" he came over to our house and we had an ointment for the sick and he told us he would be back and check up on me.

On a particular Tuesday, don’t ask me what Tuesday cause I really don’t know, he told us he would come by and we needed to have my mom and dad present. I had no idea what he was coming to do. I just knew I had to keep my Big Mac down that I had the day before after my nice shot of chemo, and focussing on keeping my body still (from trembling uncontrollably) and try not to fall asleep. That was all I could focus on. I asked Bastiaan what the priest was coming to do, but he had no idea either. We finally came to the conclusion maybe he wanted to do another ointment of the sick???

But that was not what he came to do…

He arrived with a briefcase, candles, ointment and a booklet. It just didn’t make sense to us.

I was wearing my oldest, and I mean OLDEST, sweater and maybe (I cant be completely sure) I wasn’t even wearing a bra!?! Bastiaan was wearing his favorite (I don’t wanna come out, cow poopie stained) jeans on and mom a dad just arrived from the dairy so they didn’t think about dressing up either. The priest looked a bit confused by our appearances but didn’t say a word.

We all sat down on our couch and he took out all his instruments, lighted the candles and put on his nice “thingy that he wears around his neck” cloak dress. Bastiaan was just looking at my mom and dad and I was just in THE "chemo" zone…

He preformed the ointment for the sick and steamed, and yes I mean STEAMED, like a STEAMBOAT that can’t stop, into: “do you Bastiaan Meewis Oostdijck take Leontien Martina Francina Wilhelmina Maria van de Laar to be your wife?”

“WHAT???!!!”

“Oh no no NO…. You can’t marry us in these clothes, on our couch, without anybody knowing, in poopie stained jeans, without family and friends, ON OUR COUCH!!!”

Bastiaan said “I do”. And so did I. My mom and dad signed the papers he had brought.

I puked and went to bed.
Bastiaan let the priest out.
Mom and dad called my brother (it was too late to call my sister and Bastiaan’s parents in The Netherlands) and went to work at the farm.

Bastiaan and I talked about that day a lot. We figured the priest thought I was in such bad shape (and yes he probably was right), I might join the Good Lord soon, so he better marry us while he could so at least we would be joined together in front of God.

But what this priest did not know is that I am stubborn. As in very, very stubborn. And I wanted to marry my love the right way. In a church. In a white dress that I already had for 6 months. In front of our family. In the presence of our friends. And defiantly DEFINATLY NOT on our own couch!

Bastiaan and I decided to kick this whole cancer thing even harder in the butt so we could do it the proper way.

But with another priest.

All we had to do was fix me…

Next Monday, Yes, THE THIRTH TIME IS THE CHARM!!!


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Three times is the Charm... Getting Married # 1

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Some people get married once
Some people get married twice
Some people get married three times to THE SAME guy… and yes this would be me…

How do you get married three times, well, it isn’t because I really wanted too but sometimes life throws you a little curve ball and you just have to go with it…

Bastiaan proposed to me in November of 2007. In a really nice restaurant in Fort Wayne, we had been together for over 6 years and he figured it was time, and so did I, so I said “YES!” (And we got a free dessert from the people sitting next to us in the restaurant which made it extra nice).

We set our date to be on July 5th 2008 so our family and friends would have enough time to come over and book a flight from the Netherlands, Canada or Australia. At that date we would have the party and our church wedding. Of course we just started milking on the 20th of November and everything was still very hectic, exciting and stressful but also an immense adventure and we were loving every moment of it!

Because Bastiaan’s visa was going to expire in February we needed too make sure he would be "safe" and we decided to get married in the Courthouse in Bluffton, just to get the paperwork done. Go to Holland make sure the visa’s were in order and then get “really” married in July. For us this “wedding” was a necessity. We would of preferred to have done it on the same day as our church wedding but if you have so many people coming from abroad you need to give them proper time to make arrangements and plan flights. Telling them in November you are going to get married in February is not enough time, we figured.

I do, # 1...
We were already flabbergasted when we went to the courthouse to get a marriage license. Question one; ‘Have you been married before?’, ‘ No…’. Question two; ‘Do you have any children?’, ‘No…’ Question three; ‘Do you have mental problems?' ‘HU? NO!!!’. Those questions plus the actual license cost us $9.00 which was shocking (Yes, the price as well as the questions)! They told us now that we had the license we should get our witnesses and we would be ready to go…

On January 18th it was COLD!!! As in we (Dutchies) are not used to this kinda weather! But because I wanted to make sure this was at least a little special, it was our wedding after all, I wore a skirt (never mind the fact that an hour before I was still running around in coveralls on the farm trying to get things in order and Bastiaan was working on fixing a tractor!) and Bastiaan got a nice new shirt and my mom & dad and brother were coming, all dressed up too after running around on the farm all morning. Because of the dairy start up we hadn’t really had the opportunity to meet a lot of new people who could stand in as our witnesses and so my parents were going to be our witnesses.

We agreed with Bastiaan’s parents and my little sister that we would put them on speaker phone when it was time to do the ceremony so they would listen to us say our 'I do’s'. We did not want them to feel left out, but we also didn’t want them to travel two times, after all the June wedding was going to be our “official” wedding, and we rater had them there at that time!

So on this cold day we went to the Bluffton Courthouse and which was another SHOCKER where out of the courthouse and married for the very first time WITHIN 15 (if it lasted that long) MINUTES!

Before Bastiaan and I knew what was going on we were officially married! The only thing I really remember was the major saying those things that we only hear on TV or in the movies, now for real right in front of us which was pretty amazing! And naturally my new husband being very sweet and handsome!

After we got out off the courthouse we went to the Mexican restaurant to celebrate and got a great lunch, after that it was pretty much back to business as usual…

Soon after our “Court Wedding” Bastiaan and I picked the venue and the church and met with the priest, picked what we wanted to eat and who we would love to have at our special day and THAT was pretty much the extend of what he wanted and needed to do… (Being a boy and planning weddings apparently doesn’t go together…).

Me and a friend on the other hand decided on getting organized and we got a Marta Steward planning guide (haha, yep) and the next months we were extremely busy getting everything done and ready. In the beginning of April 2008 the first wedding invitations went to our 200 guests all over the world…

On April 15th I got a phone call.
‘Sorry, but you got cancer…’.
Within 5 minutes our whole world as we knew it changed.

Four weeks after getting “the news”, being true several surgeries and debating different types off chemo, we canceled the wedding...

Together we decided to fight this beast first, make sure we were healthy and yes then we would get married, for Real. But at that time we really did not know or realize how bad it was going to be...

Next Thursday I’ll tell you about us getting married for the second time, without us really realizing what exactly was happening!


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