How to end up with my perfect guy...

There is no such thing as the perfect guy, right??? WRONG!

This past Monday I told you about our Bar in School (Bar 6-) and this cute guy that walked in while I was doing my weekly shift of bartending…. Yes, on a weeknight...

Bastiaan, was his name.

I figured this was a good, solid name and I quickly checked his hands (pretty important for a farmer) and checked his teeth (pretty important for a farm girl). They were both fine so we started chatting.

He just came back from Australia where he spent 8 months working at a cotton farm a sheep farm and doing some backpacking. That sounded like music to my ears because I already had traveled 3 times to The States, once to Canada, several times to Sicily (all by myself!) so I was pretty content with the fact that I found somebody who traveled (by himself) too and wasn't afraid to see the world.

We talked a hole in the night. Of course I was too busy talking to notice the time and D finally told me, “Hey Leo, shouldn’t you close the bar?” Oh yeah, close the bar... Bastiaan helped us close the bar (which included cleaning the whole place, clean the toilets and the outside so the next morning “normal” students could go to school) without finding left overs from the previous night and we did this same thing the next night and the next…

Although I told him the second night, “You have to know, when I grow up, I’m gonna live in The States!”, that didn’t scare him off. He just laughed and asked if maybe I wanted to come to Australia instead.

“NO WAY!” … Yes, yes determined stubborn is something that some people would label me with…

On our 4th night he walked me back to my car. We also had dorms on the school property and the first year they recommend you staying in the dorms (to get adjusted to the life, as in, don’t drink and drive but just crawl home...) but because I was already in my third year I “upgraded” my bottom into a real student house (in the suburbs of the town). Bastiaan had his room in the dorm (after all he was brand spanking new), but I had to drive to my house every evening. 

While walking "home"/to my car from the Bar listening to a Belgium band, Lasgo with their hit song Something, Bastiaan kissed me! And yes this was one of our OPENING SONGS at our wedding (our THIRD wedding, but I’ll tell you all about that later) and yes he is about 1.5 years younger but he also knew how to take charge... hehe…

The music was great, the weather was great, the evening went really well and I was in the best company a girl could wish for. When I got home I woke up all my roommates and told them we had kissed! Of course they were very happy for me and asked me what my plan was next. I hadn’t been in a serious relationship for a while and I told them, "we would see where it would lead us". To D I said, “I don’t know, he is awfully young, maybe it will last 3 months and then something else will come along for him”…

This year we are together 10 years with LOTS of ups and downs; as in: break up’s, get together’s, emigration to a different part of the world, battling cancer, starting a large dairy together with MY mom, dad and brother, leaving his family for me, leaving his friends for me and try to find new friends, putting his dreams away on a shelf so i can chase my crazy American Dream, going true a truly awful time financially and mentally with our dairy so soon after we started up, learning to love cows while actually he is a crop farmer and no, crop farmers are not dairy farmers..., hoping that one day he can become a daddy, that is if my body and mind  is ready to have little ones... and oh, did I mention BATTLING cancer with me…?

I really KNOW i found my perfect match. He’s quiet, I’m blabbing all the time, he’s understanding, I’m wondering AND worrying about everything everywhere, he thinks things true, I’m a spur of the moment kindda girl, he’s perfect , I’m far from….


...

Friends and side effects

Cancer, chemo and side effects go hand in hand. My chemo was Interferon… A nasty drug which I had to take for 52 weeks…. 4 weeks of  5 days a week, IV’s in the arm and 48 weeks of shots, 3 shots a week... It didn't last 52 weeks, it lasted longer...

I was done with the first month of treatment, the IV’s and we had started with the first week of the shots, my dear friend Niels and housemate in our student home in The Netherlands and his girlfriend Moniek came to give me some moral support and see the country. And what is more fun & comforting than seeing the country by going to the hospital together with your “sick” friend???

Usually my mom, dad, Bastiaan’s mom and dad (they came over for 5 weeks from Holland),Bastiaan, Hanneke (my sister), Jan Willem (my brother) or other friends would come with me but now they all had a day off too. Niels and Moniek were more than happy to come with me and I would normally be awake the whole ride home (about one hour long) and then fall asleep in my own bed, before the real side effects would start, as in shaking, trembling, throwing up, running a fever, not be able to go to the bathroom or going all the time, and did I mention the shaking and trembling???

So, we got to the hospital, I get my shot (the second one that week, it was Wednesday) chat with all the nurses, have lot’s of fun and show Niels and Moniek the differences between hospitals in Holland and the USA. And introduced them to all the fantastic nurses and doctors in Fort Wayne.

We get the car I sit down and I’m just rambling feeling GREAT! I would get some anti nausea medicine, some flu resisting medicine, sleep medicine and some good pain killers together with the Interferon. And somehow this time the little cocktail was doing its work fantastically! I noticed that halfway home I’m slurring a bit… not too much…. Just a little bit, or so I thought. Niels and Moniek who never had been in the company of someone who is on chemo didn’t know what to expect so they figured it was normal.

But it wasn’t…

They put me to bed, which apparently wasn’t that easy. On really bad days Bastiaan would escort me out of the car, in the house and in bed. Niels and Moniek had the privilege this time. And all the time I was mumbling, speaking in slurred sentences and not making any sense in whatever I was trying to say.

They put me to bed and I slept…

In the evening the side effects started again, like clockwork, and that Thursday Niels and Moniek went home. My dad’s turn was that next day, on Friday, and we went to the hospital. Before they hooked me up to all the proper machinery and gave me my shot I told them about my strange drive home and that if was feeling so woozy and that I had problems making normal sentences.

And then all hell broke loose!

My fantastic oncologist, a colleague oncology doctor, and 5 nurses were standing by my chair, asking me questions, taking blood and arranging MRI’s and CAT scan’s…

They came to the conclusion the nausea medicine they had given me for the last month was only supposed to be given to me for one week (or given once every 3/4 weeks like you have with more often used chemo). Not five weeks in a row every single day…

Luckily there were no long lasting effects, but they gave me 2 weeks “off”, as a breather and recover from the buildup of medicine. After those two weeks we continued with the interferon but I can never have any nausea medicine again.
But that’s all right with me; I wasn’t planning on getting sick no more anyway…

And yes, now I know…
• Sudden numbness or weakness of the face, arm or leg, especially on one side of the body
• Sudden confusion, trouble speaking or understanding
• Sudden trouble seeing in one or both eyes
• Sudden trouble walking, dizziness, loss of balance or coordination
• Sudden, severe headache with no known cause

... Means get YOUR BUTT back INTO the hospital, chemo or not!



…

When you go out for a Mammogram & come home with a Drivers license

And yes this way is much better than the other way around!

A couple of weeks ago i had to go to my three monthly check up with Dr Nala. Since we are still a bit worried about recurrence she checks me pretty good and if i have a little ache or pain she will MAKE SURE she tests and checks it before i can wander the streets again for three months...

At this visit i had some troubles with my breasts maybe because i found Aldi (a great German grocery store, were i bought HEAPS of German/Belgium chocolate) and i had been pretty much stuffing myself with that chocolate. And yes i even brought some chocolate bars to the hospital that day (you never know when it gets really scary) and since i don't smoke anymore i felt i needed some back-up besides my wonderful husband.

Anyway, Dr Nala thought it would be wise, to lay off the chocolate (because it can cause tenderness in the breast area) for a while AND do a Mammogram!

No...
No...
NO...
I KNOW hundreds of women do it every day, but I'm just a girl (don't want my boobies to get squished, they just got big since i stopped smoking, like everything else by the way)! Let me do the ultrasound and you can see everything you need and I'll be fine!

Dr Nala said "No", let's do a Mammogram this time... "OK"...

So the next week i go to the hospital in Bluffton to get my mammogram done. I didn't sleep for 3 nights and i felt pretty cranky. Also because at the farm things where NOT going like they should and it was just overall a bad week. But i went and sat down. This really nice nurse comes up to me and asks if i might be pregnant...?

Uhmmm, "No i don't think so". "Well, didn't you get your test done before the Mammogram?".
"Uhmmm, no, I nobody said anything about that". I asked her if we could just do the Ultrasound???

Turned out we couldn't do that  and i needed to get my blood test done (couldn't just pee over a stick?!?) and had to RESCHEDULE! My day didn't get better at all!  I didn't have my breast squished but i also had to make a new appointment, not sleep for several days and probably eat more chocolate because i was stressed and thus more pain!?!

Oh well...

Driving home from the Hospital i was pretty (read: really) cranky and from the corner of my eye i spotted a police car, and thinking, hmm i need to get my drivers licence. I have a Dutch one but it was (a little bit) expired and i still needed to get my Indiana one. And since i already wasted the whole day with not getting a mammogram done, i thought "Why not?!?"

Got into the BMV, had my social security number, a bill with my name and address, my visa, my passport, my Dutch drivers license and my translation of my Dutch drivers license. I was good to go! Until the nice lady at the BMV told me i needed TWO proofs of addresses... "you got to be kidding me?!" And she sent me away told me to come back with two bills or a bank statement or something.

Driving home i was even more (as in fuming) cranky. And then i passed my bank. I literally saw that little light bulb above my head going on and thought, "hehe I'm gonna print of a statement and go back to the BMV!".

And so i did, parked my car, right in FRONT of the door of the BMV (not the most smartest move but it felt right at the time) and walked in and showed the lovely lady all my papers AGAIN plus the statement. And yes i could do my written test.

Did i mention i didn't study, as in i don't even own a manual...

I turned in my papers and after 10 minutes she called me and told me i passed!!! I just couldn't believe my ears, because i was figuring on coming back at least 6 times before me passing this test and here i was getting my (really ugly) picture taking and with my drivers license permit coming to me in the mail in 10 days... hehe...

Now i have to wait (drive around in my fantastic car) for 6 months and then i can do my actual driving test...

And that is how you go for a mammogram and come home with a drivers license (well, permit is almost the same, right?)

And it is friday again so.... HOP HOP HOP to Verde Farm for Farm Friend Friday!!!

...

Fort Wayne’s little angels…

The nurses in Fort Wayne are just incredible! They always made me smile, no matter how bad of a day I had.
They were always interested in my life outside of the little cancer box and they always pronounced my name wrong (even though I always told them they pronounced it right because they tried so hard and my name is really difficult!)…

They really made going true this almost unbearable task of dealing with this sickness (and treatment of this sickness) a little more bearable.

AND if they say it feels like you have to pee….. YOU BETTER BELIEVE THEM!

One of our angels, Indi












We did a lot of CAT/MRI/PET scans in those days. Mostly just to check if the cancer hadn’t spread. For me it was a first time for every one of them. I had been in hospitals before but never this up close and personal.

Dr Nala had ordered me another scan, to check out my lower abdomen and I am still not sure what scan it was (the CAT or the MRI, my brain was pretty much mush at that time) but I went together with Bastiaan and waited until my name (or the nurse in question would just look really confused) was announced to get my “pic” taken.

The nurse showed me a little locker where you can put your bra and jewelry in and then you have to wait for a bit. The waiting never really bothered me because during that time I could just doze off a bit and seek my bearings.

This particular nurse was very young and very sweet. She asked me the standard questions and explained to me what the big noisy machine did. I was already a little more at ease because the machine was only half the size of the machine the week before! Your head and your feet would actually stick outside the machine, so much better than the ones you lie in completely.

She said a “pic” would be taken and then she would turn on the IV and have a bit of fluid (contrast) run into my bloodstream and take another “pic”. She also mentioned, that when the fluid started running, you could have a little strange sensation down under….

Me being extremely BLOND and DUTCH did NOT understand what she meant…

So I asked: “What does that mean???”
She got a red face (probably all the smart Americans understand when she told them, “you get a little strange sensation down under”) and explained to me that I might get the feeling I had to pee when they turn on the IV…

“Pee???” as in “Going to the bathroom, pee???”
“Yes…”
“Hmmm, I see…”

Little
"naughty"
angel,
Jones







Again being very stubborn, I really did not think it would be that bad, I laid down on the table and waited until they hooked me up to the IV. After a couple of minutes the table started moving and I rolled nicely into the scanner. The first pictures were taken and over the little intercom, while looking at a smiley face plastered to the inside of the machine, the announcement came that the IV was going to start…

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WAS PEEING!!! The whole machine and table and everything else would be covered with my bodily fluids!!! OHHHH, HOW EMBARISSING….

And then I did a check, check, double check, like I often do at the farm, checking the boys…

No pee, or better described, no wet stuff anywhere. I could swear (hands in the fire, on my grandmother’s grave, on my unborn (hopefully in the future) child) I lost my power to hold my urine on that table.

Try to lie completely still when all this goes true your mind…

The sweet voice on the intercom told me I was done and they were going to roll me out. Thank God!
I did another check that I really didn’t wet myself, looked at the sweet young nurse and said:
“YOU WERE RIGHT!” she just laughed and got a red face,…. Again.

Such sweetie pies!








After finding my bra and jewelry she escorted me back to Bastiaan and of course I just had to tell him what just happened… He didn't think it was that sensational... Wait until HE gets a scan... hehe...

Thanks to Verde Farm for hosting "Farm Friend Friday"!!!



...

Yoga is NOT relaxing

During all the chemo in 2008 and 2009 my oncologist suggested that I needed to do something to relax… I wasn’t feeling so good (wonder why???) and I needed to make sure that my head stayed on my shoulders the right way.

Now as you might know, “relax” isn’t in my dictionary. So she couldn’t ask for something more difficult, but I figured she knows best so, I should at least give it a try…

I knew that horse riding, which usually relaxes me, wasn’t the solution (see: How a girl gets a horse). I didn’t have the energy and stamina to stay or even get on my horse and I thought it wouldn’t look very good if I would be done with treatments but still had to go to the hospital to treat a broken arm or leg...

So I figured I might try something new.

After discussing several options with the docs, I went on the Internet and bought myself a yoga book.

Two days later I had the book and I was pretty content with myself for trying something new.

I got, like, 5 towels and spent and HOUR arranging them in the right position, and they still didn’t look like the picture in the book (which I can tell you, is NOT relaxing at all).

But I got down on the floor and while glaring at the book several times I tried to get myself into the right positions, I didn’t do much better with myself then I did with my towels….
I tried to follow the instructions and in the mean time also trying to relax and clear my mind about all the stuff that was going on. I spent an hour bending my body into the shapes in which it had never been before…

My theory, “you should do everything you do for one hundred percent or you shouldn’t do it at all.”

The next day I simply could not get out of bed. Everything was hurting, and not the hurt from the side effects! From my little toe all the way up to the top of my head, I was in pain. I defiantly didn’t feel relaxed and because I couldn’t focus true all this pain I missed my opportunity to go to the farm.

I had a pretty tight schedule: Monday afternoon: chemo, Tuesday: side effects, Wednesday morning: farm work, Wednesday afternoon: chemo, Thursday: side effects, Friday morning: farm work, Friday afternoon: chemo, Saturday: side effects, Sunday: farm work and sometimes something fun and Monday morning: farm work before we drove up to the hospital and start the whole cycle again… Not going to the farm made me even more worried because I couldn’t make paychecks for our boys. So end result of the yoga session; no relaxing, more worrying, more stress and even more pain!

And that is and was no good.

 

At about the same time me and my little brother talked about me having a drum set, I strongly believed that I would be just absolutely fantastic at drumming! I fantasized that it would be my undiscovered talent and while explaining to everybody why I was walking so funny for the next 4 days, “yes, I tried yoga, and NO, I’m not doing it again”, my brother secretly (with the help of my wonderful parents) bought a drum set from one of our neighbors for a really good price and one day of helping them out with our big pay loader.

On a Sunday not long after my fiasco with the yoga, they (as in my family) lured me to my brother’s house and surprised me with a beautiful red drum set. We took it home and set it up. And for the next weeks every time I felt defeated, angry, hurt or REALLY angry because of my sickness (see: What cancer does to somebody like me) I would sit behind my drum set and just SMASHED all my anger, hurt and frustration out of me.

I don’t have any more talent for playing the drums as I have for yoga, but I do feel sooooooo much better after I hit it and it doesn’t hurt as much as practicing yoga!

I found out not everybody deals with stress in the same way, I also figured out some people have different methods to relieve their stress. Apparently mine is hitting my drumsticks in a "tadum tadum tadum" way on my drum set for at least 10 minutes and I’ll be good for the rest of the day….

How a girl gets a horse...

It was 1998 and being in a different country, speaking a different language isn’t that easy, but manageable. A bit harder to manage is riding 15 horses a day, cleaning stalls and look after the mommies and babies. But given there are 24 hours in a day, it is doable…

Nice thing about working with babies and mommies there are usually daddies too! And daddies make a difference! As a little girl I always been and have been a real sucker for Walt Disney movies, you know the ones that always end right.

So being in a foreign county with all these beautiful horses was just fantastic! There was one in particular, a Morgan stallion named Fox Trim Classic. He was just like the black stallion, but sweeter! Basically he was just big pup but nobody had the guts to compare a horse to a dog. Anyway, I had the pleasure to ride him in a big show and every day after. And I just loved the “big” boy. After talking to his owner I told her if I was EVER going to move to The States and if she EVER wanted to sell him for whatever reason I would take him! Off course being 19 years old and very optimistic and naive about live, I thought it was reasonable suggestion.

And live goes on…

When we moved to the States in 2006 it never occurred to me that Classic, was still around. He probably had to be in his twenties and after a full live of breeding every mare presented to him, I didn’t think it was a possibility of him being around and alive and kicking…

In April of 2008 I got the terrible news that I had cancer and I was very much lost and lonely (even with all my loving family and friends surrounding me) so it was a hectic and stress full time. But two weeks after I
received the news I got another phone call. From the woman who had Classic!?! If I would be interested in having him, he was after all retired and she needed a good home for him, because she was getting a divorce and needed to sell him.

After 12 years I said YES right away! It was just a gift from heaven to let me know that I didn’t have to battle cancer all by myself …

So he came, a little more gray, being beautiful, understanding, sweet and powerful and every time if I felt I just couldn’t do it no more I just have to look outside the window and see my black stallion and I know I can…

What Cancer does to somebody like ME

One year, eleven months and somewhat days ago I got confronted with this awful disease. I can tell you, it wasn't and is not funny...

After several surgeries, lots of pain and fear I got 4 weeks of chemo treatment for 4 hours in a row every day. After that we did 48 weeks of chemo shots, 3 times a week, with one of the most terrible chemical substances that people have invented. Things lasted a bit longer because we had to quit a couple of times (weeks) because my body or mind couldn’t handle it too well...

Cancer does a lot to people... So does the treatment of cancer...

It makes you angry

Angry against the world, because every time you go to the hospital, the people that you meet are in their fifties. Where are all the young people??? Am I the only one? Angry towards the people surrounding you. I doesn’t matter how hard they try, they can’t feel, understand or know what you feel! Even if they are by your side 24/7 in the hospital and at home, keep your hair up when you are puking your guts out in the toilet or when you do NOT want to say ANYTHING because you are to tired to the bone or when they hold you until the shaking has stopped… Angry towards your friends, you thought they were there, but they are not. Angry towards you family, they do not deserve it, but to admit that to yourself only makes things worse. But most of all angry towards yourself. Because you just can’t understand why this had to happen. And if you could have changed it or prevented it! And of course I am MAD because I thought I could change or adapt to anything. I could do everything and I didn’t NEED anybody. Angry because it is not fair. Angry because it shouldn’t have to be this way. Angry because of all the hurt I caused other people...

It makes you scared
Scared that you never get off of the rollercoaster of emotions, your sad, happy, angry and hurt, and all over again. Afraid that with every bump, every little thing that hurts, every little change or little mold, it is coming back... Scared that all the statistics are true. Scared because we have to go back to the hospital every 3 months the coming five years, and you NEVER know what “they” are going to say... Afraid you can never have any little kids, and even if you would, and you would die within two years, Bastiaan would be all alone with that little bundle of love... I can’t do that... Afraid that you can not give the people, who you love the most, what they deserve.

It makes you sad
Because live passed you by for the last two years and you can not get it back. Because you wanted to build friendships but didn’t have the energy to do so. Because you wanted to face the mistakes you made in the past, but that didn’t work out. Because this was supposed to be the new country with the new life and possibilities. Because we are shallow and you do not realize that until you have a hole of 3 by 2,5 inches on you leg and so many other scars on you body you do not even want to count them. Because you are hurting of the scars that mark your hart. Because I, like so many others want to put problems, subject and other things behind us.

You Learn
That if you do not have anything nice to say, it is better to stay quiet. You do not rule the world, even if you think you did. Things happen for a reason, it will not help you if you do not accept them. Sometimes you have to agree that choices other people make are for the best of you. You can not run from whatever it is you are hiding from. It will come and get you eventually.

You feel loved and blessed
Because no matter what happens (your yelling, crying, being silent and everything in between) your family is there for you. Because the boy who wanted to go with you (because you felt the need to milk cows in the USA) has to deal with all of this and STILL loves you. Because people that you hardly know came up to your house and gave you food, money or other things that would comfort you. Because of the friends that did stay are the ones you need to love the most in return! Because ordinary people with ordinary lives felt the need to pray for YOU! And wished you the best and MEANT it... Whenever you are sick, your mom, dad, husband, brother, sister, family, friends and all the other people that care for you are a little bit sick too. And if they can fight for you, you should fight for them.

It makes you happy
For every day that you can complain, yell or blabber to your family. That you can look to your husband and realise how much you really love him. That every morning you can get out of bed, and you do NOT have to stay in that dammed bed! Because you can go to your work (the dairy), because it is a dream come true
Running a large family operated dairy is a gift and blessing, and i am so dammed proud that i can. I can make choices about who what and were. And that every day, one day is that I can enjoy.

For the first time since April 2008 I feel like myself again, although it is a totally different me
After 5 terrible days, because yes, they put you on all the meds, but how do you get off of them again!!?? Without sleep, with lots and lot’s of pain, and feeling like a zombie who just like a drug addict is missing out on his shot, and doesn’t feel quite alive, I got out of the shower.

And I am glad to be here...

Leontien