Miracles do happen…

When hundreds & hundreds of people who you do not know, still say prayers every morning  & evening and keep having faith & hope when you might have lost it a little bit…

When hundreds & hundreds of people that we do not all, know sent cards, gifts & lovely surprises just to show their support and love…

When you are able to see your husband smiling at you each morning and say “Hello Honey”, and when family & friends come over often to just do, “fun things”… And look at our Alpaca's...

 
In the previous blog post I told you all about being admitted to the hospital and doing my “Poopie Dance”. And I have been dancing ever since, because I wake up in the morning! The doctors gave me about two weeks to two months to live…   Yes..      I know..

It is the eleventh of December now…!!!

For me that is one miracle every day. Not that it this is easy. Because you KNOW you could NOT wake up the next morning. But really that is not even the scariest part. Because I believe that (hopefully) somebody saved me a little spot up there in Heaven… so no reason to be scared about dying itself.

The more scary part is the how…

I am afraid that my family or Bastiaan will have bunches and bunches of trouble with me because I’m gonna go a little crazy on them, like talking like a crazy person, (Yeah I know, I already do that sometimes, haha) . But it worries me, to become somebody I do not know.

Or worse that they have to take care of me 24/7…

I am a very independent lady (yes, stubborn.. hehe), and I want to do things my way. It was sooooo hard to give up “control” of the farm because, for one I love it so much and for two, It was kinda my dream. Having had your dream and then having to give it up again is though… But I know it is in good hands with my family and Bastiaan.

And at least MY DREAM CAME TRUE…

How wonderful is that?!?

Last Year Emily Caldwell from Progressive Dairyman wrote a story about me and my Family. She did a wonderful job of writing it up and won an award! She also managed to get us to the number 1 spot on their most read articles!!! If you click on the link below you can find the updated article and the original article!

Progressive dairyman Article!

I don’t know how many more posts I can write. I would love too, but I just don’t know. My eyesight is not doing so well, and my “thinking cap” seems to be lost some days. But I will promise you, if something happens I will make sure you get an update. Please check Facebook, The Four Leaf Clover Dairy website and of course here at my blog.

Maybe the doctors are “wrong” again and I’m still typing away in a year from now! I love you all.

And miracles do happen, you know…

…

Doing the "Poopie" Dance

It has been to long…
It has been to hard…
And there had to be too many difficult decisions to be made…

Down the drain and/ or toilet bowl goes the “upbeat attitude” for the fifth time that day because another set of pain killers did not want to do their trick and since going to the bathroom and trying to perform a solid #2 (which yes can actually be a relief for some people, especially after 10 days…) Life just starts slipping away…

And it did.

 
Somewhere on or around the 14^th day of this past beautiful September month Bastiaan “stuffed” me in the BMW. I wasn’t really at the point of complaining anymore, I was just ready to head for the biggest besets tree and show everybody that I was NOT afraid of dying but that this pain & suffering and hurtfulness needed to stop. For everybody!  Not just me…

Of course I did not drive, and we arrived safely at the hospital  with Dr Nala, She was fast, no crazy questions, no accusations, only understanding and a,” what are we going to do now attitude?!”  About three weeks before this horrible Thursdays we had started the new drug: Yeroy (Maybe you have seen the pics on my Facebook website as well as the Love For Leontien site, Thank you girls!) and we were feeling good about it.

Yervoy is a biologic therapy so it it’s not a “chemo” and it works differently but the main goal of course is the same:  to “kill” all the little nasty cells and live a long and happy life. But three weeks into the therapy I had was having some pain in my shoulder.  I did not think much of it because, me being me, I just felt the need to mow the ENTIRE yard the day before…  Well… we have a really nice lawnmower and the sun was just about down ,  it was a good day… so I thought why not…? Besides the side effects were not that bad, a little nauseated, tired, constipated, a little of everything but nothing really worth mentioning… I was doing fine…

But I really did feel a little “whipped” after I got off of the lawnmower, but no worries…  No “little” lawn is going to bring me down!

We decided that we could start with round two of the Yervoy, because the pain in the shoulder was pretty annoying but I still thought it was going to be OK and the side effects were doable. The only thing that worried me a bit was that I had all these little “spots” popping up, like, they were everywhere.  But Dr Nala explained that it was a normal side effect and they had seen that happen in different patients before.

And then the pain got worse…

Bastiaan was on the phone every day with the doctor’s office to see if there was something we could use to make sure the pain went away. But it didn’t. And then I stopped eating. Well, I wasn’t going to the bathroom no more, and everything that did go down were pills and crackers while trying not to puke them back up…

The really bad part was when I did not know how to lie down anymore, that’s when you know you’re in trouble. If you don’t know how to sit, lay, stand, hold yourself anymore that’s when your hubby says “enough is enough” and will take you to the hospital.  Even though you still think you can though it out…

That day Dr Nala looked at me for 2 seconds and says you are staying here with us.

By nightfall we had done all kinds MRI’s and CAT scans, and other tests and they had put me on some serious pain medication. And then morning came…

And results…

Seven weeks ago my brain was clean/clear/empty (yes,  I do  remember joking about it being blond and all…) in other words it was fine…

It is not fine anymore. They found little cherry tomato size tumors in my head.  And not just one, no there were five of them, besides multiple little ones. Also the found out why I had so much pain in my shoulder, it was because some other little tumor was  pressing up against a nerve in my spinal column which caused the excruciating pain.  We did decide that day that we were going to do radiation on the head as well as the spinal cord, because the chance of me getting into major problems with one of those brain tumors was just to big. Doing the radiation on the spinal cord was an “easier” decision because it would mean, hopefully, less pain…

We did 10 days of radiation (I even got my Certificate, that I completed the treatment, whoohoo!!!)

We started eating again as soon as Saturday! But only the GOOD stuff, like fresh fruit, whipped cream, fries, chocolate cake, chips, you get the picture…

And yes after 13 days of not being able to go to the bathroom I have to say actually did a little “poopie” dance!!! On the toilet, by myself… didn’t think anybody needed to see that… but I did it anyway!

Bastiaan took me home
It was a good day…

A lot has happened since and I am really trying to get everything on paper, but currently I am on 20 different medicines and I sleep a lot. If I am not sleeping we have been so blessed with family and friends that come on over or take the time to write or call, so our house is never really empty…

And I do look at the Flowers for Leontien Page  & The Love for Leontien Page  (please go and have a look!) a lot and that I haven’t written you does not mean I forgot about you it just means I’m running out of time… Thank you so so much for your support,  I really would have been a little bit lost without all of your prayers and kind words…

Since getting out of the hospital and now a lot has happened yet again... And i am not quite ready yet to put that down on paper so you have to bear with me, yet again... a little bit longer...

…

Old Hands...

My hands look like the hands of an 80 year old lady

My hands hurt like the hands of an 80 year old lady

I sometimes feel like a lady who has lived 80 years, just by looking at my hands…

And yes, this might have to do with the fact that we were in the emergency room for over ten hours… Well… and the fact that they used my hands as a (several) pin cushion(s)… And, maybe, the fact that we had to stay in the hospital (again) for over 10 days because I had an unexplained fever… Oh… and the pneumonia that we didn't know I had…

Good thing I that I can open my own bottle of water again, with these old hands, it is kind of a bother to keep asking people to open up bottles of water when you are supposed to keep hydrated... (Thank You Mommy, Daddy, Hanneke, Jan Willem, Megan and of course my everything: Bastiaan!!).

It is also a good thing too that I am home. I like being home. Bastiaan and I have been throwing this idea around to rent a big camper and to go “see” places (you know, normally we would do this when we would be 70+), but plans have to be adjusted sometimes... I like to be home for now.

Besides opening water bottles it is also a nice thing to be able to “do” things again. Like (and this keeps repeating itself for some strange reason…) going to the bathroom by myself without falling of the “pot”, putting socks on (I like my socks and I have not one pair of toe slipper thingies so, I need socks…), playing with my new phone, getting in our lovely bathtub, and more important, getting out of the bathtub… and typing new blog posts and doing the “Facebook thing”, gosh, I hope they don’t drop the “timeline” disaster on me any time soon…

I can’t vacuum the house yet, but I’m not sure if that is a good thing or a “bad” thing. Hehe…

We are having a hard time (not that it was not hard before) but we got quite a shock from the horrible hospital experience two weeks ago, don’t get me wrong, the nurses and (most) of the doctors were really nice, it was just the overall experience of being a test bunny that got to me and Bastiaan & the family (and the pain). I do not mind being a test bunny if it will help other people with this grueling disease but… just don’t let me FEEL like a hurting test bunny…

And to be completely honest, I do not know how many times I can crawl out of a 10 meter deep hole (hmmm that would be 33 feet…) again…

Yes, we had to stop the Zelboraf treatment because of the pneumonia & fever (which they never really figured out after giving me 7 different antibiotics; "which one did the trick...?", and yes the docs really like me to start again as soon as possible, but… I just don’t feel ready yet…

Maybe if my hands look like my hands again instead of the hands of a 80 year old lady and more important they don’t hurt anymore, and I have seen me some cute looking girls (almost as good as seeing a beautiful black stallion ;-)) at the dairy, we’ll be ready to do round number four…

Maybe. 

I just love being home right now.

...

Round Two starts Today...

OK, today is the day.
Bastiaan and I are heading back to Indy...

My little sister came back from The Netherlands again for a couple of weeks to support all of us and I am pretty sure my mom, dad and little brother are going to do an awesome job keeping the farm running. Making sure the boys (our employees) and our girls (our cows) are getting the best of everything.

Still incredibly scared but ready to fight again if the doctor says we are going to go for round two but since we are not quite sure what the doctor is going  to say (probably "yes, let's do it") it is not only scary but also a bit nerve racking...

It might be a while before I see you all again. But I am gonna assume it will be not too long...

I'm gonna miss you!

In case we are a little bit longer gone... Bastiaan might have given an update on Love for Leontien


...

You got to be kidding?!?

What I believed at some point as simply not possible, just came with time... I can walk from one side of the house to the other, without toppling over from lack of breath… I can even walk to my mom and dad’s house (if I really wanted), three quarters of a mile down the road! 

Whoohhooo!

The stress test went well. Doc says I am ready for Round Two…

I don’t think I am ready for Round Two…

Last Thursday I was sleeping in a little bit, like I have been doing since I got back from the hospital and I was having this incredibly annoying, please, please go away, itch. One of the side effects is itchiness and for the last week, somehow it just doesn’t wanna stop.

I rub myself with five different lotions but they all seem to work a couple of hours and then I have to undress and lather up all over again. But Bastiaan and I reason this to be a good thing, it just means that the chemo stuff is still doing its thing and thus Kill, Kill, Kill all those nasty cells…

So while I lay in bed, scratching myself everywhere until I am nice and red all over again, thinking by myself that I really need another bottle of lotion, right here besides my bed,  I feel something  (feeling something  that wasn’t there before on your body is NOT a good thing)…

YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING!!!????

I jump out of bed towards the bathroom and check again.

It could be imagination, you know. Very common amongst patients to feel things that are not really there just because they are scared that something is there…

There was defiantly something there.

And then I got a little angry, well and then MAD and then even MADDER (don’t know if that is a proper English word but my spelling check says it’s ok…) and then I got REALLY REALLY upset.

How come that we are doing this immense-awful chemo stuff, which almost killed me (and I thought the whole plan behind this chemo thing was that I was NOT going to be dying any time soon) and now I am feeling a little bump in my armpit…

Let me tell you this is NOT very uplifting, hopeful or encouraging while trying to Kick Cancer in the Butt.

I called IU in Indianapolis but they didn’t pick up the phone so I called my Dr Nala. She told me to come right away and she would have a look (did I tell you she and the nurses over there are just little angels???). Bastiaan and I rushed to the hospital and Dr Nala checked the little bump. Yes it was defiantly there and no I wasn’t just in my imagination (which I of course new, but then again I have been wrong about my body in the past…). Dr Nala got on the phone and checked with my doctor at IU and together they looked at my CAT-scans and discussed the situation.

Their explanation: It had been there before, I just might not have felt it any sooner and/or because of the chemo it might have enlarged a bit or got closer to the surface of the skin and that is why I felt it now. BUT that it did NOT mean that the chemo is not working and/or that we are not doing the whole kill, kill, kill thing, so we shouldn’t (never ever) give up!

I am scared shitless.

 (I promised myself I wouldn’t curse in my blog… I am promising you now it won’t happen again)

...

I'll be back!

OK...
I think I'm ready...

I will see you in a week or so...!!!
Well...  Maybe sooner if you are up for a pajama party in the hospital.... ;-)

We will see how things go and I'll try to keep you updated! I hope you have a wonderful week and make sure you love every moment of it! And don't forget, I'll be thinking about you all!!!

Big hugs
Leontien




...

Ready... Set... Go...

Ok, you better all get your undies and toothbrush gathered cause you get to visit!!!

The Plan (and yes “The Plan” might change a bit when we move closer to the "starting date") but we have decided on going to Indi. Yes I know this might come (a little bit) as a shock and truth to be told, Chicago was really nice, the people were very sweet and the doctors very knowledgeable but we felt that we wanted to be a bit closer to home...

I really need all of you, my family, my friends, my buddies (Classic, Jones and the cats) and girls (our cows)  to beat this thing with me and I thought I would feel kinda lonely in Chicago... And yes this may seem a bit silly... But i feel stronger this way and ready too fight, so Bastiaan and I thought this would be a good reason because we need to be as strong as possible. In Chicago they told us that we always could come back if necessary, which was a good and nice thing to know.

So, while we decided on where to go, more tests were done, more test results came back and all the treatment options were presented to us. Out of the three options we have chosen for Inter leukin IL-2, this is a fancy smancy name for a shitty (yes I said it) drug, that hopefully will boost my immune system and knock all those nasty cells out of my body. And no, I am not a nurse or doctor so I might not have used the perfect terms to describe it but I think you get the whole picture if you click on the link (which you don't have to cause its no fun anyway).

The Plan in Indy is as follows: We are going to go to the hospital, I will get admitted to the Intensive Care Unit and I will stay there a whole week. They only do five days of treatment, every eight hours, but we'll need the two extra days to recover. Then we will go home for a week, rest... And we will be back at the Intensive Care the following week and we'll do it all over again, if (and this is a big IF apparently) my body (and mind) can stand the treatment.

The side effects are pretty nasty, so I am not going to name them (The list is too long and a tiny bit depressing…). The good thing is that we will have all day visiting rights!!! Whoohoo... Only two people at the same time, but well… I was pretty happy about that!

Bastiaan and my family can stay most of the time and if they need to go home for a bit, (maybe to drive around in some tractors, look at the cows and talk to all the boys, which can be pretty relaxing after spending a lot of time in the IC) somebody else can come for a bit and stay with me...?

There you go, that is The Plan. Having a private party while doing some MAJOR cancer kicking in Indy while wearing our scull panties and new PJ’s!!!  It sounds good to me…

…

Ugly things...

Yep, this says it all...

And do you see those pieces of dust on its body???!!!

Good thing I'm not scared of ugly things (yeah, yeah except spiders...)!

Chicago here we come!


...
And for all your sweet ladies (and gentlemen) who wanted my address, here is the link to our website, Four Leaf Clover Dairy, (www.fourleafcloverdairy.com) and there you can find all our contact info! Thanks!!!

Rainbow colored basket case

My gosh!

I just can’t keep up! It is truly amazing what you guys are doing!

I feel simply overwhelmed with sweetness, kind thoughts and prayers and it sure is a good kind off “being overwhelmed” and yes I’m going to visit all of your blogs soon! I should have some “free” time coming up…

I was planning on a funny story… I have several…  But they don’t want to come out of my head. Last week has been a roller coaster and we haven’t seen the end yet. Since I posted last Monday I have not seen a doctor. Apparently it is really hard to figure out what is going in my breast on so they need some more time. In the mean time Bastiaan and the rest of the family have insisted I go get a second opinion, so I made some phone calls and maybe next week we are going on a little trip… to a special cancer center that is.

Which makes me very scared, because I like to stay here, in my own bed. With our own bathroom (that is getting really pretty by the way) and with our own animals. I don’t really want to be shipped off to a place where there are only sick people in a strange hospital in a strange bed without my wonderful stud and crazy Jones who keeps barking at coyotes in the middle of the night (which drives me absolutely NUTS…)! Last time we did this (the chemo thing) I was absolutely happy to go get “better” every other day to go and focus on the bookkeeping, talking to Colby about the girls, and minding my brothers business. So now I am scared that if I don’t have all these things to keep me busy, how in the world am I suppose to get better…

But…

Maybe being away from home makes me focus more on getting better, instead of worrying about the farm all the time (which is a common thing for farmers, and which comes like a second nature to me, I was after all the one with the “American dream” to milk cows in this amazing country)…. and actually GET BETTER?

Though choice…

Today (Thursday) we go to Dr Nala and hopefully we will find out about what the game plan is. And if she thinks that maybe we need to go to “a special place” I think I will pack our suitcase and stuff in full of “home”, get my scull pantie  (yes I really need some more of those) and hop on the plane with Bastiaan, see how windy the windy city really is…

In the mean time I’m gonna make one hundred mistakes a day at the farm (cause I just can’t focus), automatically knowing my sweet hubby, mom & dad and little brother are fixing them behind my back, continue being a little rainbow colored chameleon who changes color ever five minutes (just like my emotions, by the way, this sound WAY more romantic then it really is…) and just ENJOY and feeling incredibly BLESSED with reading your comments, suggestions and cyber hugs!

Cancer butt kicking is going to be a piece of cake with all of you by my side…

Bent

If I fall along the way

Pick me up and dust me off

And if I get too tired to make it

Be my breath so I can walk

If I need some other love

Give me more than I can stand

And when my smile gets old and faded

Wait around I’ll smile again

Shouldn’t be so complicated

Just hold me and then

Just hold me again

Can you help me I’m bent

I’m so scared that I’ll never

Get put back together

Both biopsies were positive

Dr Nala had no good news to share
And right now i do not know how or why this is happening...

Wednesday we have to go back and discuss treatment and surgery options.  Round two, here we come, ready or not...

I am a fighter but I seem to have lost my sword (and my scull panties for that matter) at the moment. But give me a couple of days and i'll find it back...


...
Bent - Matchbox Twenty

In the spotlight!

When your are a bit blue….

As in, waiting for biopsy results and because of that you simply can’t put a decent word on paper… 

You paint…

Well at least that is what I do…. But because my painting is like my drawing in kindergarten (all over the place)  and as you can see in the picture of our bathroom, i must have been color blind at that time (I blame it on the meds)... I won’t bore you with how MUCH the color is going to CHANGE and yes practice makes perfect so I keep practicing...

Yes this is pinkish and purple... What was i thinking...

But since my right side is still hurting and yes, literally a little bit blue too, BUT only 2 stitches (whoohoo), and i couldn't finish my painting job...  I decided to show you something really neat! We, as in you and I, made it into the Progressive Dairyman Magazine! 

Front page of Progressive Dairyman

The article! Yes you can enlarge and hopefully read...

Oh, so sweet!!!

Even more fantastic is that this magazine goes all over the US! And this makes me happy because i love to spread the word about how fantastic dairy farming, AND blogging is! So thank you all for making this happen i simply could not have done this without you all!

Hopefully tomorrow the waiting ends and i can tell you the good news that everything was negative and that i just have been an incredible stressed, emotional overwhelmed, silly girl! And i can go back to try to be a good wife, thoughtful family member, motivational employer and  good caretaker for all our girls (the cows)... yes i am a bit of a perfectionist, if you didn't already knew... ;-)

Dr Nala here we come!

Big hugs

...

And who are you...???

A mammogram, in my imagination was a terrible/the worst/ incredible scary procedure…But was it really??? NOPE! What it was; it was pretty interesting, to be honest…

I hardly slept the two days before I went, and I have to admit all these Stephen King, Dean Koontz and the other horror story writers I like to read didn’t help, but really, it wasn’t that frightening. Not like the awful,  peeing in your pants feeling that you get with the CAT scan and not as SCARY as feeling like you’re the bad guy with the mask in the Silence of the lambs movie, stuck in a tube that is way too small, SCARY!

Maybe it helps if you have smaller breasts???  It really wasn’t that bad. Not that it was fun, but the nurse was really friendly, explained all my 200 questions per minute in a very patient manner AND her hands were warm! Which I thought was a PLUS!

After we got done, she told me to sit and wait and probably within 15 minutes I could go home.

Well, that did not happen.

They saw “something” high up, pretty much above my right breast and they needed to further “investigate”… So I followed another really sweet nurse and unbuttoned. Good thing those fancy robes only have tree buttons (if you are trembling all over it is pretty hard to undo those little thingies) and she scanned my breast again. I have found out that the more you have intimate parts uncovered amongst total strangers, it easier it gets…. (at least that is what I thought up to last Wednesday…) NOT that it is fun, but it isn’t as scary anymore as it was the first time and I think I had my heart rate under control (for the most part anyway).

Again this didn’t go according to plan. After she took several “pics” she left me by myself in that room. All kinds of interesting tools you got there, plus two computers but not the stuff that you want to play with while the nurse is away… So I just fiddled with my robe and buttons.

She didn’t come back for what seemed like an ETERNITY (I should have asked Bastiaan to come but I wasn’t expecting to do all of this, blame the positive side of me) and when she did, it wasn’t just her, no she brought her superior nurse lady…. “Hhhmmmm….”.

The “new” nurse who was even more skilled in reading ultrasounds and mammograms told me that they had indeed found something “off”, but they weren’t sure what it was. And she wanted to look over herself. So I laid down again. Got gooey stuff all over me and the ladies looked…

Inconclusive.  Just my luck…

BUT it is better to know for sure than to not know exactly what it is and since I already had to go to a surgeon later last week, the sweet nurses told me not to worry (haha….) and talk to Dr. L on Wednesday.

I generally like ALL the nurses, nurse practitioners AND doctors (as you probably know). With that said my trip to the hospital on Wednesday is one of my least favorite.

If you have female problems (whatever they might be) it is nice to have a female doctor. At least I like that… They know what you have and what might be going on in or on your body, maybe a tinsy bit better than their male colleagues . So when I found out I had a man as the surgeon who was going to check out my breasts I felt a little uneasy.  But since I am no sissy and everybody deserves the benefit of the doubt AND because I had seen Dr L. before, I thought I would though it out, get it over with, prove everybody that  there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with me and go home….

So past Wednesday, after being escorted to the examine room by a lovely nurse who said she recognized me from 2 years ago (which was very flattering), putting on a bright pink robe thingy, I sat and waited…

And waited…

And waited some more…

Until I got EXTREMELY upset with everybody and everything! My heart rate went sky high, even higher than with the ultrasound (so yes it was beating almost out of my chest!)! I decided it was not worth the getting upset about waiting part, the doc probably was very busy (it sure didn’t seem like that when I left my little brother in an almost empty waiting room FORTY FIVE MINUTES earlier…) so I waited some more. I didn’t have the guts to go outside my little cubicle, in my paper pink almost fall apart robe thingy anyway…

After almost a full hour of waiting and putting crazy ideas in my head (which happen a lot lately) the doc walked in.  WITH AN ASSISTANT…. And no they did NOT ask me if it was all right that a 20 some year old BOY was gonna see my boobies and they DID NOT apologies for being an HOUR late!

I was in utter shock!

I come from Holland and in Holland we are pretty open about all kinds’ sexuality stuff and yes I know doctors are students before they are doctors BUT I was NOT expecting this and I did not like it! NOT ONE BIT.

But since they did not ask me if it was all right for the boy to stay, and the doc did not explain to me why or what the boy was doing there, I just laid down, zeroed myself to another planet and let them check my breasts. I do think I said yes and no at the right moments and I was aware of the fact that it wasn't the good news I was hoping for but at least it was over in 5 minutes… tops…

You have to believe me, I am no sissy, and I do understand that young folks need to learn, and they can’t learn from books only. But at least they could have asked me if it was oke, for him to be there…?  Since I have been diagnosed 3 and a half year ago I had never felt so vulnerable and like a number as last Wednesday, and you probably knew that because I have been writing a LOT of funny hospital stories although they were not always funny at that time. This was really not one of them.

And to make matters worse, Dr L. and the boy did not know what “it” was so now we have to do a biopsy. This will be biopsy number two this week. Which again is all right with me, because I rather know, then live with the maybe’s…

So this Tuesday I will probably have a blue boobie and Thursday Dr Nala will say… “YOU ARE ALL RIGHT!!!” See…  those words are worth all the blue boobies, blue ribs and young boys who need to learn!

...

Enjoy Life

Well the good news is; I didn't light up as a Christmas tree all nice and shiny. The bad news; more testing and thus more waiting.

The waiting is really the hard part. Once you know you can just go and fight the bastard. But as long as you don’t know, you don’t know what or how to fight it. Even if you wear your best panties!

So last Friday when we went to Dr Nala she told us that although the PET scan didn’t show a whole lot we needed to do more testing because there were several spots that she didn’t trust.

So today (Monday) I will be going and will get my boobies squished, for real this time not like last time… Wednesday we have to go to get the results and Friday we have to get a biopsy done. And then we wait. Next Thursday Dr Nala will give me the news. At least I hope. Any news is better than no news...

Until then, since it is pretty hard focusing on anything at all lately (wonder why…?) and I have all these idea’s for things/stories I want to tell you in my head, but somehow they don’t make it onto the paper. That is why I’m gonna leave you with this great quote I found at my cyber friend Dolores’s blog: Moving forward with Alzheimer’s.  

There are 5 things in life you cannot recover:

A stone... After it's thrown

A word... After it is said

An occasion... After it's missed

The time... After it's gone

A person... After they die

Life is short. Break the rules. Kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably. And never regret anything that made you smile, Enjoy Life…

So that is what I’m gonna do!

Enjoy all the sweet comments you left me in the last week, which made me feel so special, so loved and so much stronger. Enjoy my wonderful family who I can count on no matter how bad, cranky or desperate I feel. Enjoy my more than fantastic hubby, who makes me feel pretty even if I look like hell. Enjoy the farm where I am so incredibly proud off.  And enjoy my friend for life, crazy black stallion and give him a good rub!

And if Jones is a good boy maybe he can get a good rub too, he’ll enjoy that….

See ya Thursday!

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Cancer Kicking and panties with sculls

Ok, as you might have read in my previous post things aren't going so smoothly and because we still have no results… hopefully later today… and I can’t seem to muster the energy to bring you a nice “I’m a happy pumpkin in a sunny pasture” post, I’m gonna leave you with a Golden Oldie.

I DID wear my panties with a scull yesterday to my PET scan and yes, I washed it last night AND I am wearing it today to Dr Nala, soooo IF something shows up all bright and shiny on my PET scan (which I am SURE will NOT happen…) I can hit the ground running and kick this cancer thingy in the buttocks. Call me crazy but i just feel a little bit stronger, walk a little taller and smile a LOT more wearing these dumb panties while hearing (sometimes life altering) PET/MRI scan results!

And, because we are talking about panties…. I dug up one of my first posts and it is one that I personally like a lot! I’m fairly sure (keep fingers crossed and/or say a little prayer) that next week I’ll be back with new stories and new HOPES and new DETERMINATION (whatever way it may go...)!

And If I haven’t done so already, THANK YOU SOOO MUCH for all your sweet comments on my Putting things in Perspective post, those help in so many more ways than you could ever imagine!  

Mouse hunt in granny pants

I was almost asleep... You know, right at that point were you feel your entire body come at ease...

With a sudden shock i realise there is somebody besides MY BED! And no I'm not dreaming and YES i should be all alone. "O my gosh, there is somebody besides my bed..!"

And then realizing all in a couple of seconds, I'm defiantly not dreaming, i defiantly should start wearing granny pants and pj's (if there would be a crazy man besides my bed, it's less attracting to wear granny pants, i hope) and i defiantly hear something creepy but it's not a man! I turn over to turn on the light and there on my dresser is see a tiny mouse playing hide and seek with my clothes.

Ok, freak out time has officially started, although it's not a scary man but a little tiny mouse.

So I'm watching this little fluff ball running over my dresser back and forth, climbing up and down and trying to sneak under my bed; "I don't think so buddy!". I'm trying to think of a strategy to catch this little intruder, and as a real girl supposed to do, i call my husband and tell him we have a little problem in the bedroom, and ask him if we have some traps. Turned out we did, which is a good thing but that meant, me getting out of bed and putting on some clothes, which is a bad thing...

EVERYBODY knows if you have monsters in your bedroom, you stay IN BED! That way they can't catch/grab or attack you... (Read your Stephen King novels!)

So after some serious consideration i got out of bed, put on some granny pants and got the mouse trap. We had a little bit of left over sausage and i figured my little mouse would like that. So i set the trap, used some sausage as bait, crawled into bed and waited...

And oh my gosh, two feet away (maybe four feet, but it felt really close) comes my little mouse, so cute, and headed right for my trap!

Haha, got you you little bastard...

At the same time that i was hoping i would catch him, i was also hoping that that trap thing would snap really fast so he won't feel nothing, AND thinking that i really can't watch this because it is so MEAN!

The little mouse grabs my sausage and takes off to a safe place underneath the dresser. No snapping of the trap, no me freaking out about killing a little, really cute, mouse. Just utter amazement. That little bastard stole my sausage!

After Bastiaan got home we tried to catch him but no luck (which wasn't a surprise, he just had lunch) and we set some more traps the next day but so far we haven't caught him yet.

Hopefully he went to the neighbors, maybe he can score some more sausage there, cause he's not getting it from me no more!

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Putting things in perspective

I wrote this post  in April 2010.
Sometimes i read it to try, to put things in perspective again. This last week has been a bit (read: a lot) of a challenge. Normally i can stay pretty positive and find a way to convince myself that I'm gonna be just fine. This is not one of those weeks.


What Cancer does to somebody like me...

One year, eleven months and somewhat days ago I got confronted with this awful disease. I can tell you, it wasn't and is not funny.

After several surgeries, lots of pain and fear I got 4 weeks of chemo treatment for 4 hours straight every day. When we were done with the IV's we did 48 weeks of chemo shots, 3 times a week, with one of the most terrible chemical substances that people have invented. Things lasted a bit longer because we had to quit a couple of times (weeks) because my body or mind couldn’t handle it too well...

Cancer does a lot to people... So does the treatment of cancer...

It makes you angry

Angry against the world, because every time you go to the hospital, the people that you meet are in their fifties. "Where are all the young people???" "Am I the only one?" Angry towards the people surrounding you. I doesn’t matter how hard they try, they can’t feel, understand or know what you feel. Even if they are by your side 24/7 in the hospital and at home, keep your hair up when you are puking your guts out in the toilet or when you do NOT want to say ANYTHING because you are to tired to the bone or when they hold you until the shaking has stopped…

Angry towards your friends, you thought they were there, but they are not. Angry towards you family, they do not deserve it, but to admit that to yourself only makes things worse. But most of all angry towards yourself. Because you just can’t understand why this had to happen. And if you could have changed it or prevented it. And of course I am MAD because I thought I could change or adapt to anything. I could do everything and I didn’t NEED anybody. Angry because it is not fair. Angry because it shouldn’t have to be this way. Angry because of all the hurt I caused other people...

It makes you scared
Scared that you never get off of the roller coaster of emotions, your sad, happy, angry and hurt, and all over again. Afraid that with every bump, every little thing that hurts, every little change or little mold, it is coming back... Scared that all the statistics are true. Scared because we have to go back to the hospital every 3 months the coming five years, and you NEVER know what “they” are going to say... Afraid you can never have any little kids, and even if you would, and you would die within two years, Bastiaan would be all alone with that little bundle of love... I can’t do that... Afraid that you can not give the people, who you love the most, what they deserve.

It makes you sad
Because live passed you by for the last two years and you can not get it back. Because you wanted to build friendships but didn’t have the energy to do so. Because you wanted to face the mistakes you made in the past, but that didn’t work out. Because this was supposed to be the new country with the new life and possibilities. Because we are shallow and you do not realize that until you have a hole of 3 by 2,5 inches on you leg and so many other scars on you body you do not even want to count them. Because you are hurting of the scars that mark your hart. Because I, like so many others want to put problems, subject and other things behind us.

You Learn
That if you do not have anything nice to say, it is better to stay quiet. You do not rule the world, even if you think you did. Things happen for a reason, it will not help you if you do not accept them. Sometimes you have to agree that choices other people make are for the best of you. You can not run from whatever it is you are hiding from. It will come and get you eventually.

You feel loved and blessed
Because no matter what happens (your yelling, crying, being silent and everything in between) your family is there for you. Because the boy who wanted to go with you (because you felt the need to milk cows in the USA) has to deal with all of this and STILL loves you. Because people that you hardly know came up to your house and gave you food, money, a friendly smile or other things that would comfort you. Because of the friends that did stay are the ones you need to love the most in return. Because ordinary people with ordinary lives felt the need to pray for YOU! And wished you the best and MEANT it...

Whenever you are sick, your mom, dad, husband, brother, sister, family, friends and all the other people that care for you are a little bit sick too. And if they can fight for you, you should fight for them.

It makes you happy
For every day that you can complain, yell or blabber to your family. That you can look to your husband and realise how much you really love him. That every morning you can get out of bed, and you do NOT have to stay in that stupid bed! Because you can go to your work, because it is a dream come true. Running a large family operated dairy is a gift and blessing, and i am so proud that we can. That I can make choices about who what and were. And that every day, is one day is that I can enjoy.

For the first time since April 2008 I feel like myself again, although it is a totally different me. After 5 terrible days, because yes, they put you on all the meds, but how do you get off of them again!!?? Without sleep, with lots and lot’s of pain, and feeling like a zombie who just like a drug addict is missing out on his shot, and doesn’t feel quite alive, I got out of the shower.

And I am glad to be here...

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