You got to be kidding?!?

What I believed at some point as simply not possible, just came with time... I can walk from one side of the house to the other, without toppling over from lack of breath… I can even walk to my mom and dad’s house (if I really wanted), three quarters of a mile down the road! 

Whoohhooo!

The stress test went well. Doc says I am ready for Round Two…

I don’t think I am ready for Round Two…

Last Thursday I was sleeping in a little bit, like I have been doing since I got back from the hospital and I was having this incredibly annoying, please, please go away, itch. One of the side effects is itchiness and for the last week, somehow it just doesn’t wanna stop.

I rub myself with five different lotions but they all seem to work a couple of hours and then I have to undress and lather up all over again. But Bastiaan and I reason this to be a good thing, it just means that the chemo stuff is still doing its thing and thus Kill, Kill, Kill all those nasty cells…

So while I lay in bed, scratching myself everywhere until I am nice and red all over again, thinking by myself that I really need another bottle of lotion, right here besides my bed,  I feel something  (feeling something  that wasn’t there before on your body is NOT a good thing)…

YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING!!!????

I jump out of bed towards the bathroom and check again.

It could be imagination, you know. Very common amongst patients to feel things that are not really there just because they are scared that something is there…

There was defiantly something there.

And then I got a little angry, well and then MAD and then even MADDER (don’t know if that is a proper English word but my spelling check says it’s ok…) and then I got REALLY REALLY upset.

How come that we are doing this immense-awful chemo stuff, which almost killed me (and I thought the whole plan behind this chemo thing was that I was NOT going to be dying any time soon) and now I am feeling a little bump in my armpit…

Let me tell you this is NOT very uplifting, hopeful or encouraging while trying to Kick Cancer in the Butt.

I called IU in Indianapolis but they didn’t pick up the phone so I called my Dr Nala. She told me to come right away and she would have a look (did I tell you she and the nurses over there are just little angels???). Bastiaan and I rushed to the hospital and Dr Nala checked the little bump. Yes it was defiantly there and no I wasn’t just in my imagination (which I of course new, but then again I have been wrong about my body in the past…). Dr Nala got on the phone and checked with my doctor at IU and together they looked at my CAT-scans and discussed the situation.

Their explanation: It had been there before, I just might not have felt it any sooner and/or because of the chemo it might have enlarged a bit or got closer to the surface of the skin and that is why I felt it now. BUT that it did NOT mean that the chemo is not working and/or that we are not doing the whole kill, kill, kill thing, so we shouldn’t (never ever) give up!

I am scared shitless.

 (I promised myself I wouldn’t curse in my blog… I am promising you now it won’t happen again)

...

Ready... Set... Go...

Ok, you better all get your undies and toothbrush gathered cause you get to visit!!!

The Plan (and yes “The Plan” might change a bit when we move closer to the "starting date") but we have decided on going to Indi. Yes I know this might come (a little bit) as a shock and truth to be told, Chicago was really nice, the people were very sweet and the doctors very knowledgeable but we felt that we wanted to be a bit closer to home...

I really need all of you, my family, my friends, my buddies (Classic, Jones and the cats) and girls (our cows)  to beat this thing with me and I thought I would feel kinda lonely in Chicago... And yes this may seem a bit silly... But i feel stronger this way and ready too fight, so Bastiaan and I thought this would be a good reason because we need to be as strong as possible. In Chicago they told us that we always could come back if necessary, which was a good and nice thing to know.

So, while we decided on where to go, more tests were done, more test results came back and all the treatment options were presented to us. Out of the three options we have chosen for Inter leukin IL-2, this is a fancy smancy name for a shitty (yes I said it) drug, that hopefully will boost my immune system and knock all those nasty cells out of my body. And no, I am not a nurse or doctor so I might not have used the perfect terms to describe it but I think you get the whole picture if you click on the link (which you don't have to cause its no fun anyway).

The Plan in Indy is as follows: We are going to go to the hospital, I will get admitted to the Intensive Care Unit and I will stay there a whole week. They only do five days of treatment, every eight hours, but we'll need the two extra days to recover. Then we will go home for a week, rest... And we will be back at the Intensive Care the following week and we'll do it all over again, if (and this is a big IF apparently) my body (and mind) can stand the treatment.

The side effects are pretty nasty, so I am not going to name them (The list is too long and a tiny bit depressing…). The good thing is that we will have all day visiting rights!!! Whoohoo... Only two people at the same time, but well… I was pretty happy about that!

Bastiaan and my family can stay most of the time and if they need to go home for a bit, (maybe to drive around in some tractors, look at the cows and talk to all the boys, which can be pretty relaxing after spending a lot of time in the IC) somebody else can come for a bit and stay with me...?

There you go, that is The Plan. Having a private party while doing some MAJOR cancer kicking in Indy while wearing our scull panties and new PJ’s!!!  It sounds good to me…

…

Ugly things...

Yep, this says it all...

And do you see those pieces of dust on its body???!!!

Good thing I'm not scared of ugly things (yeah, yeah except spiders...)!

Chicago here we come!


...
And for all your sweet ladies (and gentlemen) who wanted my address, here is the link to our website, Four Leaf Clover Dairy, (www.fourleafcloverdairy.com) and there you can find all our contact info! Thanks!!!

Rainbow colored basket case

My gosh!

I just can’t keep up! It is truly amazing what you guys are doing!

I feel simply overwhelmed with sweetness, kind thoughts and prayers and it sure is a good kind off “being overwhelmed” and yes I’m going to visit all of your blogs soon! I should have some “free” time coming up…

I was planning on a funny story… I have several…  But they don’t want to come out of my head. Last week has been a roller coaster and we haven’t seen the end yet. Since I posted last Monday I have not seen a doctor. Apparently it is really hard to figure out what is going in my breast on so they need some more time. In the mean time Bastiaan and the rest of the family have insisted I go get a second opinion, so I made some phone calls and maybe next week we are going on a little trip… to a special cancer center that is.

Which makes me very scared, because I like to stay here, in my own bed. With our own bathroom (that is getting really pretty by the way) and with our own animals. I don’t really want to be shipped off to a place where there are only sick people in a strange hospital in a strange bed without my wonderful stud and crazy Jones who keeps barking at coyotes in the middle of the night (which drives me absolutely NUTS…)! Last time we did this (the chemo thing) I was absolutely happy to go get “better” every other day to go and focus on the bookkeeping, talking to Colby about the girls, and minding my brothers business. So now I am scared that if I don’t have all these things to keep me busy, how in the world am I suppose to get better…

But…

Maybe being away from home makes me focus more on getting better, instead of worrying about the farm all the time (which is a common thing for farmers, and which comes like a second nature to me, I was after all the one with the “American dream” to milk cows in this amazing country)…. and actually GET BETTER?

Though choice…

Today (Thursday) we go to Dr Nala and hopefully we will find out about what the game plan is. And if she thinks that maybe we need to go to “a special place” I think I will pack our suitcase and stuff in full of “home”, get my scull pantie  (yes I really need some more of those) and hop on the plane with Bastiaan, see how windy the windy city really is…

In the mean time I’m gonna make one hundred mistakes a day at the farm (cause I just can’t focus), automatically knowing my sweet hubby, mom & dad and little brother are fixing them behind my back, continue being a little rainbow colored chameleon who changes color ever five minutes (just like my emotions, by the way, this sound WAY more romantic then it really is…) and just ENJOY and feeling incredibly BLESSED with reading your comments, suggestions and cyber hugs!

Cancer butt kicking is going to be a piece of cake with all of you by my side…