Putting things in perspective

I wrote this post  in April 2010.
Sometimes i read it to try, to put things in perspective again. This last week has been a bit (read: a lot) of a challenge. Normally i can stay pretty positive and find a way to convince myself that I'm gonna be just fine. This is not one of those weeks.


What Cancer does to somebody like me...

One year, eleven months and somewhat days ago I got confronted with this awful disease. I can tell you, it wasn't and is not funny.

After several surgeries, lots of pain and fear I got 4 weeks of chemo treatment for 4 hours straight every day. When we were done with the IV's we did 48 weeks of chemo shots, 3 times a week, with one of the most terrible chemical substances that people have invented. Things lasted a bit longer because we had to quit a couple of times (weeks) because my body or mind couldn’t handle it too well...

Cancer does a lot to people... So does the treatment of cancer...

It makes you angry

Angry against the world, because every time you go to the hospital, the people that you meet are in their fifties. "Where are all the young people???" "Am I the only one?" Angry towards the people surrounding you. I doesn’t matter how hard they try, they can’t feel, understand or know what you feel. Even if they are by your side 24/7 in the hospital and at home, keep your hair up when you are puking your guts out in the toilet or when you do NOT want to say ANYTHING because you are to tired to the bone or when they hold you until the shaking has stopped…

Angry towards your friends, you thought they were there, but they are not. Angry towards you family, they do not deserve it, but to admit that to yourself only makes things worse. But most of all angry towards yourself. Because you just can’t understand why this had to happen. And if you could have changed it or prevented it. And of course I am MAD because I thought I could change or adapt to anything. I could do everything and I didn’t NEED anybody. Angry because it is not fair. Angry because it shouldn’t have to be this way. Angry because of all the hurt I caused other people...

It makes you scared
Scared that you never get off of the roller coaster of emotions, your sad, happy, angry and hurt, and all over again. Afraid that with every bump, every little thing that hurts, every little change or little mold, it is coming back... Scared that all the statistics are true. Scared because we have to go back to the hospital every 3 months the coming five years, and you NEVER know what “they” are going to say... Afraid you can never have any little kids, and even if you would, and you would die within two years, Bastiaan would be all alone with that little bundle of love... I can’t do that... Afraid that you can not give the people, who you love the most, what they deserve.

It makes you sad
Because live passed you by for the last two years and you can not get it back. Because you wanted to build friendships but didn’t have the energy to do so. Because you wanted to face the mistakes you made in the past, but that didn’t work out. Because this was supposed to be the new country with the new life and possibilities. Because we are shallow and you do not realize that until you have a hole of 3 by 2,5 inches on you leg and so many other scars on you body you do not even want to count them. Because you are hurting of the scars that mark your hart. Because I, like so many others want to put problems, subject and other things behind us.

You Learn
That if you do not have anything nice to say, it is better to stay quiet. You do not rule the world, even if you think you did. Things happen for a reason, it will not help you if you do not accept them. Sometimes you have to agree that choices other people make are for the best of you. You can not run from whatever it is you are hiding from. It will come and get you eventually.

You feel loved and blessed
Because no matter what happens (your yelling, crying, being silent and everything in between) your family is there for you. Because the boy who wanted to go with you (because you felt the need to milk cows in the USA) has to deal with all of this and STILL loves you. Because people that you hardly know came up to your house and gave you food, money, a friendly smile or other things that would comfort you. Because of the friends that did stay are the ones you need to love the most in return. Because ordinary people with ordinary lives felt the need to pray for YOU! And wished you the best and MEANT it...

Whenever you are sick, your mom, dad, husband, brother, sister, family, friends and all the other people that care for you are a little bit sick too. And if they can fight for you, you should fight for them.

It makes you happy
For every day that you can complain, yell or blabber to your family. That you can look to your husband and realise how much you really love him. That every morning you can get out of bed, and you do NOT have to stay in that stupid bed! Because you can go to your work, because it is a dream come true. Running a large family operated dairy is a gift and blessing, and i am so proud that we can. That I can make choices about who what and were. And that every day, is one day is that I can enjoy.

For the first time since April 2008 I feel like myself again, although it is a totally different me. After 5 terrible days, because yes, they put you on all the meds, but how do you get off of them again!!?? Without sleep, with lots and lot’s of pain, and feeling like a zombie who just like a drug addict is missing out on his shot, and doesn’t feel quite alive, I got out of the shower.

And I am glad to be here...

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Every girl needs a brush!

Yep, us girls need a good spa treatment every now and then! And this is not any different for our cows.

At our farm we have a hospital pen, this is the area/pen at our farm where our girls with special needs stay if they are feeling blue. Normally the ladies will only be in there for a week, but sometimes they stay longer, depending on how or what kind of issues they have.

Because we want to pamper these girls a bit, they already feel “left out” because they had to move to a different part of the barn and leave their girlies and BFF's, we had a big and I mean BIG automatic brush installed!

Cows like to groom. They want to feel clean, and this brush is the perfect way to do that. Whenever a cow pushes the brush it automatically starts to swirl. Not only does it swirl, it also goes up and down, to the left and to the right. It is pretty nifty!  Sometimes they line up or are waiting in little groups until the ‘leading’ lady is done so they can take her place. And sometimes these silly girls go really nuts and while one will have her buttocks scratched, another one has her head up against it... at the same time...!

In the beginning we didn’t know if this brush was going work out. We had read about it but never seen it in action. But the brush is amazing! It seems that because of the cows curiosity always wins it over being scared of the big yellow thing, so every girl gives it a shot eventually... And they love it!

In the 3 years that we have the brush up and running, it never broke.  And so a couple of weeks ago, when I was bragging to a real nice gentlemen about that the brush was, “Soooo GOOD and it NEVER broke! Next day… what did it do…. It broke! “Yeah I jinxed it!”  So i am not gonna say that again!

It took us about 2 weeks to fix the thing and you should have seen the looks on our girls! They were NOT happy with us! After we put it back up we had not 3 or 4 girls waiting in line but 6 or 7! They were soooo content!

I wish we could have those brushes in every pen/group on the farm and so all the girls could groom themselves, that would be fantastic! But those brushes are worth almost as much as one and a half cow! So we are still dreaming about putting one in every pen… What we are doing now is putting a little brush in at the end of every pen. It is like two little brushes were you sweep the floor with, in an L shape, upside down (should have taken a picture…) and we hung it up at the right height.

Now the girls can still have a perfect shine on their coats, and feel mighty clean, even if they are not in the hospital pen!

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Weels in Motion...

Yes, this is a huge machine!

And yes, this is my little sister in the driver seat! The picture is a little foggy, but that is why it looks like she is racing over the feed alley...! But in fact, she is almost standing still...

I just thought this was a great picture for a Wordless Wednesday! And yes were doing a Linky Thingy at Pinke Post, please check it out (there are some amazing Wordless Wednesday's up!)

Huge machines are needed to feed all our girls! More about our girls in my next posts...

Hope you have a wonderful Wednesday!


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