Sunday, August 8, 2010

It's just not that easy

I’ve always been a very impatient person.

That is why I like painting, cleaning something that
is really, really dirty, trimming hedges and so on,
you see immediate result! And I need my immediate
result fix every now and then to keep my sanity.

Well, getting cancer kinda messes everything up,
even my immediate result fixes.

Somehow I lost them completely! Not that I don’t
trim hedges anymore or paint something that doesn’t
really needs to be painted, but it’s all the small things
that life’s all about that I do not have any control over
anymore, and somehow I cannot find the patience to
see the end results. So now I start to wonder if I’m
losing my sanity as well…

In America people LOVE their pills….. pain pills,
sleeping pills, energy pills, concentrating pills, anti-
depression pills, diet pills, making love pills maybe
even more then they love their shrinks, or dr. Phil.

It is truly unbelievable all those pills that an average
family has in their cupboards. I do not like pills. After
one and a half year of many, many pills and don’t forget
the chemo, I am sick of pills. So I think I’m not going to
tell anybody, that well, maybe things aren’t that dandy.
First thing they want to do is sent me to a shrink or get me
on some fabulous cheer me up pills!? And I do not want
Live can’t be that bad, cancer is gone, farm is still
here (bank didn’t take it yet), have a great family and I
can look at my horse every day. What could there possibly
be to bitch about.

So I figure I must be stuck in an after chemo, pick
your life up, and get over it fase.
Makes things a bit harder when you are an impatient
person, I just don’t want to wait for it!

I just want to go back to normal, right now, where I
am the nice blond who chased her American dream,
always being positive who laughs at and with people,
doesn’t worry about every little single thing that goes
wrong, doesn’t feel that she has to change the world
and doesn’t feel like shit every time she yells or gets
angry with somebody for some silly reason, and that
happens often lately…

I did some research and apparently the chemo I had
does mess up the way you think, behave and act. Well
I have to believe I can change it back, somehow the old
me must be still in here and I should be able to grab it
and pull it back out. Just haven’t gotten there yet.


Liz @ Two Maids a Milking said...

I'm inpatient too maybe that's why we get along so well! haha! I think a day at the State Fair people watching is just what you need! Call me if you want to chat/complain!! Hang in there!

BigD said...

Hang in there!
Patience is not my strong point, either. That's why I like laundry, so I can relate!
Just take it one day at a time!

Pam Willard said...

I've never been patient either Leontien - always kind of figured dressage helped me a bit with that. Progress is so slow and details or so important.

I too shy away from pills and doctors. There's been way too much cancer in my family - treatments haven't always produced the best results and often I've wondered if the side-effects are really worth it. Obviously, if the chemo can cure the cancer and one can get on with living their life it is a good thing. But I know in my brothers case his cancer was Stage 4 when diagnosed - I've often wondered how different his last year of life would have been had he opted out of the chemo. Would he have been able to walk through the woods and enjoy the signts and smells nature offered? Would he have had the strength to play with his grandchildren? Could he have gotten out and gone hunting? Could he have traveled out West to make the trip back home with me?

Always a lot of questions after the fact, but they do go through my mind.

Then I look at my sister's case -- diagnosed with breast cancer when she was in her early 30's. Lived and full and wonderful life for many more years, before the Big C claimed her life in her 60's.

There's always that balance issue .... up to each to decide for him/herself.

But on a day-to-day level --- I too shy away from doctors and drugs.

Enjoy today as it is meant to be!

Anonymous said...

The default to medication is a sad American trait...not feeling things is an unfortunate consequence, so everything that gets through is perceived as an offense or a negative. I'll admit to epidural during childbirth, but have taken a vow of active resistance to most other meds.

Here's hoping your farm can be your well!

crystal.cattle said...

Hang in there. You sound like an extremely sound person. I love the pictures of the flowers. Beautiful

Lana said...

Hey girl! I am right there with you. I was an insomniac for about 4 years, probably a result of having our second daughter and being a bit sleep deprived from all the feedings and things that go with having a newborn. During those four years I became more and more depressed and, well, the nice term would be moody. Some thought I might be bipolar, but who wouldn't be after going that long and getting about two hours of sleep at any one time?

The doctors put me on all kinds of pills to help me be happy and sleep, but nothing was really helping me. Last summer I finally put my foot down and said no more. It was a crazy summer, but I went off all the medicine, except for one pill that I only take if I am feeling like my whole world is falling apart. I lost 60 pounds and started sleeping again!

Now my sleep is still a bit out of whack, thanks mostly to menopause (I think), but I am going to try and get through it without any more pills.

I'm so glad you talked about this because sometimes you have to feel like you are the only one that has these feelings, and now you will know that you are not alone. That is the best medicine sometimes!

Take care of you, and take life one day at a time. After all that is all anyone is guaranteed!

Leontien said...

Thank you so much for all the sweet comments!
I appreciate every single one of them VERY VERY much!

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