Monday, December 19, 2011

Sometimes I wish


Sometimes I wish
I wish that it was like it used to be, let’s say, 25 years ago…
No worries, playing with grandma what it would be when I was all grown up.

Well, I’m grown up all right, and it is absolutely nothing like I thought it was going to be.

Bastiaan and I went to the hospital last Friday to get the results of the scan we had the previous Monday.


The good news was that nothing really got any bigger, the doc did see some “new” spots but he thought they were already there last time, before we started the IL-2 treatment. They were new to us, so I just hope the doctor is right (and yes I trust him so I shouldn't worry too much…). The not so good news was, of course, that they didn't get any smaller either...

I know this all is actually good news and I know I should be really happy, the news that we got Friday was above all our (mine for sure, which is only proof that I still don’t know my body) expectations, but “happy” doesn’t seem to be on the menu lately.

I think that is why I’m having such a difficult time writing, I do not want to be negative (I always imagined my little stories to be positive and hopefully make people laugh) or write negative stories/blog posts, so I didn’t write at all for (what seems to  me) a incredibly long time…

Sorry it took me so long

Your prayers, gifts, cards and above all love still give me inspiration every day. And if you can hang in there with me a little bit longer I am (almost) sure we are going to be oke and smile like that little girl again…


...

97 comments:

TexWisGirl said...

i wish for simpler, easier days for you, too! but i am grateful to hear from you. i hope that the treatments are helping, even if you don't see shrinkage of the areas. thanks for giving us an update, even if you didn't feel like it!

Jent said...

Love you, praying for you and can't wait to see your smile again.

Mom of M&Ms said...

If I could have one gift for Christmas, it would be that your smile is back.. and this dreaded time is over and your body is healed. I continue to lift you up to Jesus each day.

Annette said...

Its good to hear from you. You are often in my thoughts and a short post is better than no post. And negative is okay too. Wishing you a warm and wonderful Christmas.

Katie @Pinke Post said...

Leontien, thank you for sharing. It's okay to not always share happy, witty, humorous stories. We like real stories, emotional and hard to share is fine. We are praying, cheering and holding you in our thoughts every day.

Sandra said...

I am so happy to see you in my reader, no matter what you say. i wish miracles for you and the happiness of a child. hugs and love from Florida coming your way

Cindy Ellison said...

Hi Leontien, we have been thinking of you, it is so good to hear from you. You are still in our prayers. Thank you for the update! Sending our love, too! ♥

Lana said...

That's why you have us; to tell you that it's ok to lose your smile for a little while. Until you find it, we will smile for you and try to make you smile so that you can find yours again. Hugs!

Sharon said...

Is good to hear from you, happy or crabby, it makes no difference to me, just to hear how you are doing. Take it one day at a time. I wish you well!

This Farm Family's Life said...

Hi leontien! We will always be here when you are ready to talk! Big hugs!!!!

Cheryl @ The Farmer's Daughter said...

Dear Leontien, thank you for visiting with us. We want to hear from you even when you aren't feeling happy. All of your friends in blogland are cheering you on in this struggle and praying for you to be well and happy and smiling again. Blessings to you!
Love and hugs,
Cheryl

Jill said...

Sweet Leontien:
It is always good to hear from you. I think of you so often. i think you need to look at your writing a little differently right now. You need to write what you feel, so we, your faithful followers can lift you up when you need it. Allow us to give back to you, dear girl. We're all here for you. Praying for you. Pulling for you. Taking this journey with you, one step at a time. Write from your heart. That's the who we love.

About Muriel said...

Sending you more positive energy and love!!! Muriel

My Kid's Mom said...

It is understandable that you don't feel like writing much right now. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

LindaG said...

I figured you were digesting information of some sort.
Take all the time you need, Leontien.
Just remember that worries shared are worries halved, or something like that.
*hugs*
I hope you all have a blessed Christmas. ♥

Sush said...

Oh Leontien...we all are here for you whether your in the 'write' mood or not! Your bravery throughout your trials is amazing. I have a very close friend going through something similar and she has a roller coaster ride as well. What is amazing to me about you both is your willingness to ride the ride in order to reclaim your lives.
Write what eases your troubles dear one...we are here for the entirety of what you are battling and ready to not only laugh, but wipe your tears as well.

Many hugs~Much love~

Jill said...

I have been wondering how you have been and I think that is good news that your doctor gave you. Praying for you...I know that happier times are coming your way.

Larkrise garden girl said...

Leontien, Your such a brave good person. To be young and battle a disease is so unfair. As I watch my daughter deal with MS and the toll it takes on her health. I know how hard it is to just stay positive. All we have is the hope that the next day will be easier and our smile will return, Til then I'll try to smile for you.Hugs Cheri

dr momi said...

Take it one day at a time Leontien...no pressure to "have" to blog...just know that we all are praying.

Ellie said...

So good to hear from you Leontien - don't worry about making us smile. Just write what you want and when you want. I would be fine with whatever you want to write about and I'm sure everyone else would be the same.
Just know that I think about you often. Sending you lots of hugs. :)

sara said...

Sending LOTS of continue prayers to you and your family. I ask for strength, joy, and continued healing. You can do this! Love, prayers, and positive thought from the MN.

Not So Simply Single said...

I miss the good old days too....

Then again, someday THESE will be the good old days!

Happy Holidays Sweetheart!

It's me said...

Ik geef je even een dikke knuffel hoor meissie.......kan je vast wel gebruiken......ik blijf voor je bidden !!...is mijn pakje er al ???...liefs van mij....xxx...


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Cinderella said...

Dearest Leontien,
It is okay to say whatever and however you feel.
Please don't worry about being perceived as negative when you are venting the truth of your feelings at that moment or moments.
Being real has many facets to it, some happy, some sad, some angry, etc., etc.
You are loved and cared about and it is safe to pour out whatever is your truth here.

((many many hugs and healing wishes sent your way))

Hope Christams has some sweet moments in it despite everything>

((more hugs))

Dawson Cattle Company said...

im happy to see a post from you. happy or negative you should post if you feel like. we are family and have those days. keep your chin up and we will be praying for you!

Susan said...

Leontien, you are such a brave woman! You have been through so much, I'm not surprised that depression set in and happiness doesn't seem to be around the corner. Be negative, it's ok with us.And if you don't feel like writing that's ok too. Just know that I think of you so often and you are in my prayers. I hope you can relax and enjoy Christmas. Take Care,

Susan

Julia said...

Leontien, I'm so very thankful that you posted today. I was beginning to really worry and I'm now breathing a sigh of relief.

I know how difficult all this is for you and I'm grateful that things haven't gotten worst. What a strain on you and your family.

No need for you to comment on my blog. Just be with your family and feel their love for you and our love too. Prayers for total healing. Hugs. Julia

Chatty Crone said...

I was worrying about you myself. I thank God that you are okay - just one day at a time. I will continue to pray.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.
ssndie

Jeanie said...

Your story is yours and it is very real and yours to share as you choose. I am so glad you gave us this update and there is good news in it. Happy will come, but for now I admire your hanging strong. You are amazing and there are so many who will be thrilled to see that smile back on your face.

Alica said...

Please don't feel like you need to apologize for being honest about how you're feeling! I was wondering and worrying about you...Merle and Nancy asked about you last night as well! Will continue praying for you dear Leontien!!

Elizabeth Grimes said...

I'm sorry for the bittersweet news. But your ability to recognize the positive is very inspirational! I always leave your blog feeling encouraged by your strength. I'll keep you in my prayers. I hope you enjoy this holiday season! The photo is beautiful.

Susan said...

No expectations placed on you whatsoever! I'm happy to hear from you anytime, whatever you'd like to share. *You* inspire me, regardless of what you say. I'll continue praying for you each day. May happier days come your way soon!

Lois Evensen said...

I'm so glad to see you here. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you for all the very best.

Huge hugs,
Lois

Dolores said...

I love you so much my sweet friend! Please know that I think of you with my thoughts and prayers.....
Hugs, Love and many, many prayers!!!
Dolores

Anonymous said...

Leontien
Thank You for the update. Even if it is not great news, you said it is not terrible news either. Small steps add up too.

You have a huge support group behind you and are an inspiration to so many, keep up the good fight. Plus, you are the only one most of us probably know that can tell all the "funny" things Americans do.

Robyn
http://theranchwifechronicles.com/

Terry M Scott (AKA Terry Mann) said...

I'm glad to hear from you also.
Thinking about you & praying for you also.

Angela said...

We all know that you are going through a very difficult time in your life. We will be here for you when you feel like writing write. If you don't feel like writing then don't. Unfortunately you are on one of life's roller coasters and I pray that you can get back to enjoying the ride.

Hugs & Prayers,
Angela

Ginger said...

Thoughts and prayers are always with you.

Betsy from Tennessee said...

No need to apologize, Leontien... You have to have TONS of emotions these days. That's just normal... Bless Your Heart...

Hang in there and stay STRONG. I am keeping you in my prayers...

God Bless You.
Prayers and HUGS for you,
Betsy

ann said...

We are here for you to say what ever is on your mind. Hanging in with you. Take care and maybe Santa will bring you a surprise. Praying for you

TheCrankyCrow said...

I am so grateful to hear from you dear Leontien - I was wondering and consumed with worry. And had you popped in here with an amazingly upbeat and happy post given the rather "neutral" results, I would have been more concerned about your mental health than your physical health. YIKES Girlfriend - cut yourself some slack!! You are an amazing, incredible, warrior. It is natural to sometimes be somber in times of battle - take stock, regroup, assess...and then, knowing the weaknesses and the strengths wage on. You will continue to be in my heart, my thoughts, and my prayers. And, above all, i will be praying for your little girl smile to warm your lovely face again soon. Hugs & Blessings ~ Robin

Anonymous said...

Dearest Leontien- Please share your fears and negative emotions as well as your positive messages. We that love you want you to know we are here for you through EVERYTHING! TO not tell us what you fear leaves us unable to share your pain. Almost like a wedding day vow we "promise to be with you in sickness and in health". Sharing your negative or fearful thoughts gets them out of YOUR system so they can no longer harm you. This can allow God to work through you cleansing your body, mind and spirit of all these parasites of evil. I send God's Love to you as Clear, Healing, Cleansing & Nurturing LIGHT-He is the Light of the world... I love you and am holding a picture of a loving, COMPLETELY HEALED Leontien, smiling her beautiful smile for us, hiding nothing, feeling grateful for all the blessings we do share. Love you... "Papa John" Regan XO

Dolores said...

One moment, one day at a time....please know that you are loved so very much....and you are in my thoughts and prayers for complete healing..

Big hugs!

Out on the prairie said...

Always nice to hear from you, this is one way to voice those feelings whether positive or negative, it is nice to hear you are keeping a good attitude through such trying times.

Garden of Egan said...

Continuing to pray for you.

I wish you had the perfect news for Christmas. I'm not going to even pretend what you are going through, because I don't, but I do know that you are strong and good and the Lord knows you are there.

Hugs my friend.

Ms. A said...

Praying for you and for "no worries". Don't fret about your mood, just let us hear from you! Big hugs!

Stella said...

So good to hear from you. You are holding your own and that is good news. Keep talking to that body and telling it to heal and fight. My thoughts are with you. Happy Holidays. Love Stella

Clint said...

You are such an inspiration to us all, dear lady. And, what a wonderful pic of you and your grandma.

Lisa @ Two Bears Farm said...

Life is...not being happy all the time. I say if you feel like blogging, do it, and I think we'll all come read whether it's happy or sad - because we care about you!

I am sorry things have been so difficult. I hope easier days come very soon.

Tanna at The Brick Street Bungalow said...

Leontien, thank you so much for the update even though you didn't feel like it. Some days life isn't all happy and a bowl of cherries... please don't feel like you have to be anything other than just what you are in this moment. We are all holding you up in our thoughts and prayers... even when we don't hear from you. We are hanging in. blessings and hugs and warmest wishes for simpler, better days ~ Tanna

Arkansas Patti said...

You have stayed in my thoughts and prayers and it is so good to hear from you. Though the news is not what you would want, neither is it in anyway bad. Hold on the the positive and let that support you.
Easier days will come.

don said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers daily. I'm sure this gang will never forget to remember you too with all the good wishes possible. I so admire you attitude and stalwart behavior! All the best from this little corner of the world.

Deone said...

Leo... You are such an inspiration to me!!! I am struggling with words to describe what you mean to me. First of all, you have taught me so much about how to be a friend. You are ALWAYS there for the other person... You are ALWAYS ready to talk about the other person... You are ALWAYS giving to others and rarely give to yourself. That is truly the definition of an amazing person. A person that is pretty special. I feel like it's such a priveledge to know you. You inspire me.. Your stories inspire me and you having cancer inspires me.. You can beat this Leo! You and the good Lord can do anything!!! Now it is time for us to lift you up.. And for you to be carried by our love and prayers! You're amazing Leo.. Keep your chin up.. And we will have dinner at your place soon... :)

sophie...^5 said...

Inger was so kind to mention you on her blog and I just want to let you know we are thinking about even if you don't know us...blogging has connected so many people and I think it's important show support whenever possible. Ron and Sophie!

acorn hollow said...

I think of you so often take the good news where ever it comes. you are in my prayers. have a peaceful and beautiful Christmas
Cathy

Florida Farm Girl said...

My dear sweet girl! Been worried about you and wishing every day to hear from you. Glad for the good news, and glad that the other is NOT bad. Hugs and prayers to you and Bastiaan over the holidays. I'm hoping that 2012 will be a very good year for you.

Merry Christmas, Leontien. Peace.

lisa said...

Hanging in there every step of the way with you sweet girl!
Sending you prayers and hugs.
xo.

SweetMarie said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you and yours a beautiful Merry Christmas.

gowestferalwoman said...

I love that picture of you and your grandma :).

and I get cranky too when I cant see into the future - have to take one day at a time and sometimes spending that time seems to just be feeling like poop or thinking like poop lol - wheres the future in that?? It becomes a vicious circle and we are no fun to be with.

SO we try to do as the old saying goes, "be present in the present".

we'll wait til you want to write again. Its okay :). But we miss you, and wish you many good moments in the days ahead. And most especially, a Merry Christmas, Leontien!

~mel said...

Popping in to wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas.

Maartje Rijkers said...

Lieve Leontien, rustig aan, stapje voor stapje, en geniet van de kleine dingen om je heen. Van de vele lichtjes (en kerstmannen in tuinen en aan dakgoten?!) tijdens de kerstdagen. En een leuk 90's liedje, om weer in de sfeer van de good old days (Time Out!) te komen ;-)
We steken een kaarsje voor je aan en denken aan je! X Maartje en Luuk

Sandra said...

thinking of you today, and praying for you. Merry Christmas

bon bon said...

i wish these things for you as well. i'll keep you in my prayers, sweetie. i hope you and your family managed to put all the negative thoughts aside and have a lovely christmas! XO!!

Tanna at The Brick Street Bungalow said...

Sure been thinking about you. Sending {{hugs}} and keeping up the prayers. tanna

Sharing Shadymont said...

Wishing you the best in the New Year. Hope your health improves. Will be praying for you.

Not So Simply Single said...

Happy New Year Beautiful!

The best is yet to come!

Larkrise garden girl said...

Hi Leontien,I keep you in my prayers and think of you often. I hope you had a wonderful Christmas with Bastian and your family, Blessings Cheri

Sandra said...

my new years wish for you, is a year of healing and happiness, thinking of you today. Hugs from Florida

Alisa said...

I'm praying for healing for you in this new year.

Ohiofarmgirl said...

hey Leontien! sending hugs and blessing - thinking of you.
-ofg
:-)

Jenny Woolf said...

Thank you for the update, it has to be good that it's not got any bigger. Yes, I know how it is to wish for those days of innocence when being grown up would solve everything. I think there will be some rays of light soon - your friends are with you.

troutbirder said...

Your courage and lots of prayers focuses positive thoughts on this end as well. My spouse had a double masectomy last week and we meet with the oncologist on the 9th at the Mayo Clinic.

Munir said...

I am sorry that you cannot see the word "Happy " anywhere. I am hoping and praying that you get nothing but good news from now on.

It must be very intense indeed, beyond imagination to us outsiders like me, still I have hope for you. The fact that you are able to write is encouraging. I am all ears if you need to talk. Let it out, let it all out. Love and Hugs.

Amy said...

Checking in on you. Prayers and love going out.

Nezzy said...

Hey darlin' I was just droppin' by to see how your doin'.

Take care and have an awesomely blessed day!!!

Hugs and prayers sister.

Ed Pilolla said...

thinking of you. hope you are having a good day and week:)

Mom of M&Ms said...

just popping in cause you popped in my mind... and this..

Father God! I give you all the praise and the glory.. and i boldy ask that you fill Leontine's needs right now... You are Great Physician and you know her needs and that of her family and medical team... Add and extra measure of patience and guidance to each!

in Jesus name!
Amen

geetlee said...

Happy happy birthday! Sending you many hugs and prayers :)

Julia said...

Happy Birthday sweetie. I hope that you are at home with your family and feeling loved very much. Wishing you all the strength that you need.

Hugs and prayers. Julia

Cinner said...

Happy Birthday, been thinking about you wondering how you are managing. I had tried to comment a few times and was unable. know you are loved.

Anonymous said...

please give us an update, just a note to ease our worries. praying for your recovery.

ann said...

Hi Leontien
Just a note to say hi and want you to know you are in my prayers every day. Take care of your self.

gowestferalwoman said...

Belated happy birthday!!!

Just a short story to tell you about something because I know you would understand...today i drove the truck to down to the mailbox - there was snow over ice and I couldnt get it back up our steep hill - every time i scooted forward, even in low 4 wheel drive, I would keep sliding back - and roll the truck possibly - since i am on blood thinners I would be up a creek so to speak if that were to happen, as im 3 hours away from a hospital. I parked right there and got out carefully - totally pissed at myself because I was afraid. I hate being afraid and Im pissed because I am losing myself and becoming something I dont want to be - fearful and sick. And angry. sick and angry at this disease, and frightened...somewhere, somehow, I hope to find myself again through all of this. But I hope you are finding yourself through all the crap you are going through too, friend... :S

Julia said...

Leontien dear, I'm so worried about you right now. I haven't heard of how you're doing fighting this C monster.
You are much in my prayers. I'm sending you a big wave of love and prayers. Hugs. Julia

TexWisGirl said...

dear girl, i came back over to say i've been thinking of you and worrying about you and baastien. God bless you!

Chatty Crone said...

I'm with TexWisGirl - I have been thinking, worrying, and praying for you. Sandie

Sandra said...

thinking of you and praying you are feeling better. hugs from florida

Maartje Rijkers said...

Hey Leontien, hier een berichtje om even hoi te zeggen en je heel veel zonneschijn te wensen! X Maartje

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Cinderella said...

Sweetest Leontien,
Not hearing from you is scary. Things must be very hard right now. I am so sorry, honey. My loving empathy to you.
Please, if any of your family can give us news, we are all concerned about you. We miss you.
((hugs))

Susan said...

Hi Leontien, of course you must only write when/if you feel like it. So many people hold you in their thoughts and wish you well.
Susan xx

Hermie said...

heeey Leontien,

ff een berichtje van deze kant....al lang niks meer van je gelezen dus hoopte dat ik een of een paar blogs gemist had..niet dus. Kan niet anders betekenen dan dat je het super zwaar hebt nu. Ik hoop, ik hoop zoo hard dat die conclusie niet klopt....
Voor wat het waard is, we denken aan jou, bas en je familie en duimen voor je!!!
Keep up your spirit girl!
XXX
Hermie

Tanna at The Brick Street Bungalow said...

Still thinking of and praying for you, Leontien. {{hugs}} tanna

Julia said...

Dear Leontien, I'm terribly worried about you and would like to know if you are still with us. I fear the worst and want to hear that you are still fighting this. I don't need a long answer. Just let us know please. You and your family are still in my prayers. Love. Julia

Anonymous said...

we are all woried, please someone say something.

Cinderella said...

This is the hardest thing about becoming emotionally involved with a blogger firned who has an illness - not hearing anything, worrying, fearing the worst - and no friend or family member leaving a comment to let thier online friends know what is going on.

Prayers for you, dear Leontien, may the angels guide you home with love.

gowestferalwoman said...

Hello Leotien! I want to tell you that I got the greatest news last week - the first scan of the year has shown I have had no reoccurance even without the radiation, and the blood tests show that my calcium levels have gone back down to normal!
I feel like I have been given a reprieve and am making sure Im not wasting it - even mundane things like vacuuming I am not taking for granted - every breath is a gift, every step a blessing. Im not going to live for tomorrow, I am living for today. They also said I could stop taking the warfarin as the clot has settled and its incident was not hereditary, it was from a combo of hormone therapy and surgery. Even though I had to go through surgical menopause Im still here and its all good. And Im going to drive that damn truck up and down the driveway now in the ice with NO FEAR ;) Next scan is in 6 months.

I dont know what you are going through right now, But I only wish you no fear and plenty of good news for a change - hugs to you, Leotien!