Thursday, April 15, 2010

What Cancer does to somebody like ME

One year, eleven months and somewhat days ago I got confronted with this awful disease. I can tell you, it wasn't and is not funny...

After several surgeries, lots of pain and fear I got 4 weeks of chemo treatment for 4 hours in a row every day. After that we did 48 weeks of chemo shots, 3 times a week, with one of the most terrible chemical substances that people have invented. Things lasted a bit longer because we had to quit a couple of times (weeks) because my body or mind couldn’t handle it too well...

Cancer does a lot to people... So does the treatment of cancer...

It makes you angry
Angry against the world, because every time you go to the hospital, the people that you meet are in their fifties. Where are all the young people??? Am I the only one? Angry towards the people surrounding you. I doesn’t matter how hard they try, they can’t feel, understand or know what you feel! Even if they are by your side 24/7 in the hospital and at home, keep your hair up when you are puking your guts out in the toilet or when you do NOT want to say ANYTHING because you are to tired to the bone or when they hold you until the shaking has stopped… Angry towards your friends, you thought they were there, but they are not. Angry towards you family, they do not deserve it, but to admit that to yourself only makes things worse. But most of all angry towards yourself. Because you just can’t understand why this had to happen. And if you could have changed it or prevented it! And of course I am MAD because I thought I could change or adapt to anything. I could do everything and I didn’t NEED anybody. Angry because it is not fair. Angry because it shouldn’t have to be this way. Angry because of all the hurt I caused other people...

It makes you scared
Scared that you never get off of the rollercoaster of emotions, your sad, happy, angry and hurt, and all over again. Afraid that with every bump, every little thing that hurts, every little change or little mold, it is coming back... Scared that all the statistics are true. Scared because we have to go back to the hospital every 3 months the coming five years, and you NEVER know what “they” are going to say... Afraid you can never have any little kids, and even if you would, and you would die within two years, Bastiaan would be all alone with that little bundle of love... I can’t do that... Afraid that you can not give the people, who you love the most, what they deserve.

It makes you sad
Because live passed you by for the last two years and you can not get it back. Because you wanted to build friendships but didn’t have the energy to do so. Because you wanted to face the mistakes you made in the past, but that didn’t work out. Because this was supposed to be the new country with the new life and possibilities. Because we are shallow and you do not realize that until you have a hole of 3 by 2,5 inches on you leg and so many other scars on you body you do not even want to count them. Because you are hurting of the scars that mark your hart. Because I, like so many others want to put problems, subject and other things behind us.

You Learn
That if you do not have anything nice to say, it is better to stay quiet. You do not rule the world, even if you think you did. Things happen for a reason, it will not help you if you do not accept them. Sometimes you have to agree that choices other people make are for the best of you. You can not run from whatever it is you are hiding from. It will come and get you eventually.

You feel loved and blessed
Because no matter what happens (your yelling, crying, being silent and everything in between) your family is there for you. Because the boy who wanted to go with you (because you felt the need to milk cows in the USA) has to deal with all of this and STILL loves you. Because people that you hardly know came up to your house and gave you food, money or other things that would comfort you. Because of the friends that did stay are the ones you need to love the most in return! Because ordinary people with ordinary lives felt the need to pray for YOU! And wished you the best and MEANT it... Whenever you are sick, your mom, dad, husband, brother, sister, family, friends and all the other people that care for you are a little bit sick too. And if they can fight for you, you should fight for them.

It makes you happy
For every day that you can complain, yell or blabber to your family. That you can look to your husband and realise how much you really love him. That every morning you can get out of bed, and you do NOT have to stay in that dammed bed! Because you can go to your work (the dairy), because it is a dream come true
Running a large family operated dairy is a gift and blessing, and i am so dammed proud that i can. I can make choices about who what and were. And that every day, one day is that I can enjoy.

For the first time since April 2008 I feel like myself again, although it is a totally different me
After 5 terrible days, because yes, they put you on all the meds, but how do you get off of them again!!?? Without sleep, with lots and lot’s of pain, and feeling like a zombie who just like a drug addict is missing out on his shot, and doesn’t feel quite alive, I got out of the shower.

And I am glad to be here...



susie @newdaynewlesson said...

Lots and lots of hugs.

You are a brave and courageous soul. Keep learning and growing.

Karen Jones said...

Amazing brave post, I can't say anything that will help, because I have never been in your shoes. God Bless xx

Orange Patch Dairy said...

Great post...I can relate a little bit as my cousin's wife is in the middle of her battle with luekemia. God Bless!

Fishtail Cottage said...

Love it that you came by my blog to say hello & share your Melenoma Story with me - i am definatley going to forward to my dear friend Ashley....i'm sure she will find some peace in reading your words! oxox, tracie

Anonymous said...

[p]In other Canada goose news, Sporting Life has teamed up with the outerwear company for a contest aimed at Toronto design students . Many of my friends will be in the physical store test finished clothes and then to buy Taobao . The specific International [url=]sweden canada goose jacka rea[/url] Clothiers Inc . Sanne, som hele landet er p fornavn med, belnnes for at have vret skole- og stildannende,Canada Goose Parka, bde i sin vokale fremtoning [url=]canada goose outlet[/url] og sin karisma og inden for mange

genrer . [18] Canada Goose wants the Federal Court to force International Clothiers to stop selling the products and destroy their remaining inventory of jackets . [edit]Canada Goose resource centres
Canada Goose operates three Canada Goose Resource Centres that offer fabric and materials [url=]canada goose jacka[/url] to northern Canadians free of charge: two in Nunavut (Pond Inlet and Iqaluit) and one in Ontario . Elevated degree of estrogen [url=]canada goose jacka outlet[/url] fuels the growth of intrauterine fibroids . Most that used the set claimed that the pans work perfectly,Canada Goose Coats On Sale . Below knee-length and insulated with 625 fill power white duck down this parka gets an extra boost of style and a sleek silhouette from an adjustable belt.[/p]

Anonymous said...

This post is genuinely a pleasant one it assists new the web visitors, who are wishing for blogging.

Check out my blog post: best appliance repair tampa

Anonymous said...

I was curious if you ever considered changing the layout of your website?

Its very well written; I love what youve got to say.

But maybe you could a little more in the way of content so people could connect with it better.

Youve got an awful lot of text for only having 1 or two
pictures. Maybe you could space it out better?

Check out my blog post: diet plans for women to lose weight fast for Free

Anonymous said...

Greetings! I've been following your web site for a while now and finally got the bravery to go ahead and give you a shout out from Porter Tx! Just wanted to say keep up the good work!

Here is my blog weight loss calculator

dairy farming said...

its so sad sometimes that life deals you the card that you dont deserve, but then too the only option is to keep on playing the game... glad that you came out of it and wrote this wonderful article, we used to be in the dairy farming business, our cattle suffered from ibr and they started to die off, we tried all the vaccinations but everything was in vain.... the pain of losing a loved creature or a loved person to a disease is unbearable..... keep on the fight and am sure you will win it