Miracles do happen…

When hundreds & hundreds of people who you do not know, still say prayers every morning  & evening and keep having faith & hope when you might have lost it a little bit…

When hundreds & hundreds of people that we do not all, know sent cards, gifts & lovely surprises just to show their support and love…

When you are able to see your husband smiling at you each morning and say “Hello Honey”, and when family & friends come over often to just do, “fun things”… And look at our Alpaca's...

 
In the previous blog post I told you all about being admitted to the hospital and doing my “Poopie Dance”. And I have been dancing ever since, because I wake up in the morning! The doctors gave me about two weeks to two months to live…   Yes..      I know..

It is the eleventh of December now…!!!

For me that is one miracle every day. Not that it this is easy. Because you KNOW you could NOT wake up the next morning. But really that is not even the scariest part. Because I believe that (hopefully) somebody saved me a little spot up there in Heaven… so no reason to be scared about dying itself.

The more scary part is the how…

I am afraid that my family or Bastiaan will have bunches and bunches of trouble with me because I’m gonna go a little crazy on them, like talking like a crazy person, (Yeah I know, I already do that sometimes, haha) . But it worries me, to become somebody I do not know.

Or worse that they have to take care of me 24/7…

I am a very independent lady (yes, stubborn.. hehe), and I want to do things my way. It was sooooo hard to give up “control” of the farm because, for one I love it so much and for two, It was kinda my dream. Having had your dream and then having to give it up again is though… But I know it is in good hands with my family and Bastiaan.

And at least MY DREAM CAME TRUE…

How wonderful is that?!?

Last Year Emily Caldwell from Progressive Dairyman wrote a story about me and my Family. She did a wonderful job of writing it up and won an award! She also managed to get us to the number 1 spot on their most read articles!!! If you click on the link below you can find the updated article and the original article!

Progressive dairyman Article!

I don’t know how many more posts I can write. I would love too, but I just don’t know. My eyesight is not doing so well, and my “thinking cap” seems to be lost some days. But I will promise you, if something happens I will make sure you get an update. Please check Facebook, The Four Leaf Clover Dairy website and of course here at my blog.

Maybe the doctors are “wrong” again and I’m still typing away in a year from now! I love you all.

And miracles do happen, you know…

…

Doing the "Poopie" Dance

It has been to long…
It has been to hard…
And there had to be too many difficult decisions to be made…

Down the drain and/ or toilet bowl goes the “upbeat attitude” for the fifth time that day because another set of pain killers did not want to do their trick and since going to the bathroom and trying to perform a solid #2 (which yes can actually be a relief for some people, especially after 10 days…) Life just starts slipping away…

And it did.

 
Somewhere on or around the 14^th day of this past beautiful September month Bastiaan “stuffed” me in the BMW. I wasn’t really at the point of complaining anymore, I was just ready to head for the biggest besets tree and show everybody that I was NOT afraid of dying but that this pain & suffering and hurtfulness needed to stop. For everybody!  Not just me…

Of course I did not drive, and we arrived safely at the hospital  with Dr Nala, She was fast, no crazy questions, no accusations, only understanding and a,” what are we going to do now attitude?!”  About three weeks before this horrible Thursdays we had started the new drug: Yeroy (Maybe you have seen the pics on my Facebook website as well as the Love For Leontien site, Thank you girls!) and we were feeling good about it.

Yervoy is a biologic therapy so it it’s not a “chemo” and it works differently but the main goal of course is the same:  to “kill” all the little nasty cells and live a long and happy life. But three weeks into the therapy I had was having some pain in my shoulder.  I did not think much of it because, me being me, I just felt the need to mow the ENTIRE yard the day before…  Well… we have a really nice lawnmower and the sun was just about down ,  it was a good day… so I thought why not…? Besides the side effects were not that bad, a little nauseated, tired, constipated, a little of everything but nothing really worth mentioning… I was doing fine…

But I really did feel a little “whipped” after I got off of the lawnmower, but no worries…  No “little” lawn is going to bring me down!

We decided that we could start with round two of the Yervoy, because the pain in the shoulder was pretty annoying but I still thought it was going to be OK and the side effects were doable. The only thing that worried me a bit was that I had all these little “spots” popping up, like, they were everywhere.  But Dr Nala explained that it was a normal side effect and they had seen that happen in different patients before.

And then the pain got worse…

Bastiaan was on the phone every day with the doctor’s office to see if there was something we could use to make sure the pain went away. But it didn’t. And then I stopped eating. Well, I wasn’t going to the bathroom no more, and everything that did go down were pills and crackers while trying not to puke them back up…

The really bad part was when I did not know how to lie down anymore, that’s when you know you’re in trouble. If you don’t know how to sit, lay, stand, hold yourself anymore that’s when your hubby says “enough is enough” and will take you to the hospital.  Even though you still think you can though it out…

That day Dr Nala looked at me for 2 seconds and says you are staying here with us.

By nightfall we had done all kinds MRI’s and CAT scans, and other tests and they had put me on some serious pain medication. And then morning came…

And results…

Seven weeks ago my brain was clean/clear/empty (yes,  I do  remember joking about it being blond and all…) in other words it was fine…

It is not fine anymore. They found little cherry tomato size tumors in my head.  And not just one, no there were five of them, besides multiple little ones. Also the found out why I had so much pain in my shoulder, it was because some other little tumor was  pressing up against a nerve in my spinal column which caused the excruciating pain.  We did decide that day that we were going to do radiation on the head as well as the spinal cord, because the chance of me getting into major problems with one of those brain tumors was just to big. Doing the radiation on the spinal cord was an “easier” decision because it would mean, hopefully, less pain…

We did 10 days of radiation (I even got my Certificate, that I completed the treatment, whoohoo!!!)

We started eating again as soon as Saturday! But only the GOOD stuff, like fresh fruit, whipped cream, fries, chocolate cake, chips, you get the picture…

And yes after 13 days of not being able to go to the bathroom I have to say actually did a little “poopie” dance!!! On the toilet, by myself… didn’t think anybody needed to see that… but I did it anyway!

Bastiaan took me home
It was a good day…

A lot has happened since and I am really trying to get everything on paper, but currently I am on 20 different medicines and I sleep a lot. If I am not sleeping we have been so blessed with family and friends that come on over or take the time to write or call, so our house is never really empty…

And I do look at the Flowers for Leontien Page  & The Love for Leontien Page  (please go and have a look!) a lot and that I haven’t written you does not mean I forgot about you it just means I’m running out of time… Thank you so so much for your support,  I really would have been a little bit lost without all of your prayers and kind words…

Since getting out of the hospital and now a lot has happened yet again... And i am not quite ready yet to put that down on paper so you have to bear with me, yet again... a little bit longer...

…

Thankful Thursday!

Yep, it sure is a Thankful Thursday

Although we have to go to the hospital today for some new head and body scans, at least I can look forward to the eardrum breaking noise and image for forty minutes that I am at a rave party…

Although we have to make choices every day that an 33 year old and her husband shouldn't have to make, we still wake up together every morning and feel very blessed... 

Although we don’t have any family over at the moment, and the house seems a bit empty, I treasure all the moments from past months when we enjoyed their company…

Although I haven’t posted, commented on stories, seen all your incredible pictures of flowers, texted, Facebooked or Twittered, talked or SEEN you in what looks like ages, I still think of you all EVERY SINGLE DAY!

Although we hadn’t had rain for over 6 weeks (more or less) the sun is shining and my own, very first, vegetable garden is doing AMAZING…

Although our ladies (yes the cows!) are having a hard time with all this heat, they know that we will do whatever it takes too keep them as cool and comfortable as possible…

Although we are still getting bad news every time we go see Dr Nala, at least I’m still here (feeling good physically besides the pain) and can give other people the false hope things are going well…

Fake It untill you Make It! Right?

I hope you have a FANTASTIC Thursday and Thank You for being the best support team anyone could possibly have!!!


...

Old Hands...

My hands look like the hands of an 80 year old lady

My hands hurt like the hands of an 80 year old lady

I sometimes feel like a lady who has lived 80 years, just by looking at my hands…

And yes, this might have to do with the fact that we were in the emergency room for over ten hours… Well… and the fact that they used my hands as a (several) pin cushion(s)… And, maybe, the fact that we had to stay in the hospital (again) for over 10 days because I had an unexplained fever… Oh… and the pneumonia that we didn't know I had…

Good thing I that I can open my own bottle of water again, with these old hands, it is kind of a bother to keep asking people to open up bottles of water when you are supposed to keep hydrated... (Thank You Mommy, Daddy, Hanneke, Jan Willem, Megan and of course my everything: Bastiaan!!).

It is also a good thing too that I am home. I like being home. Bastiaan and I have been throwing this idea around to rent a big camper and to go “see” places (you know, normally we would do this when we would be 70+), but plans have to be adjusted sometimes... I like to be home for now.

Besides opening water bottles it is also a nice thing to be able to “do” things again. Like (and this keeps repeating itself for some strange reason…) going to the bathroom by myself without falling of the “pot”, putting socks on (I like my socks and I have not one pair of toe slipper thingies so, I need socks…), playing with my new phone, getting in our lovely bathtub, and more important, getting out of the bathtub… and typing new blog posts and doing the “Facebook thing”, gosh, I hope they don’t drop the “timeline” disaster on me any time soon…

I can’t vacuum the house yet, but I’m not sure if that is a good thing or a “bad” thing. Hehe…

We are having a hard time (not that it was not hard before) but we got quite a shock from the horrible hospital experience two weeks ago, don’t get me wrong, the nurses and (most) of the doctors were really nice, it was just the overall experience of being a test bunny that got to me and Bastiaan & the family (and the pain). I do not mind being a test bunny if it will help other people with this grueling disease but… just don’t let me FEEL like a hurting test bunny…

And to be completely honest, I do not know how many times I can crawl out of a 10 meter deep hole (hmmm that would be 33 feet…) again…

Yes, we had to stop the Zelboraf treatment because of the pneumonia & fever (which they never really figured out after giving me 7 different antibiotics; "which one did the trick...?", and yes the docs really like me to start again as soon as possible, but… I just don’t feel ready yet…

Maybe if my hands look like my hands again instead of the hands of a 80 year old lady and more important they don’t hurt anymore, and I have seen me some cute looking girls (almost as good as seeing a beautiful black stallion ;-)) at the dairy, we’ll be ready to do round number four…

Maybe. 

I just love being home right now.

...

6 weeks and two days ago

6 weeks and two days ago…

See… I have been trying to write.

Well, I have been trying in my head really really hard and it all sounded perfectly fine… Somehow it just didn't quite make it onto the paper, or well, because we do live in the modern days, on my perfectly fine purple laptop…

Now I have so much to tell you that I don’t know where to start!

First: I missed you all very much!

Second: We got more news last Tuesday (six weeks ago), and yes my plan was to write this down all nice and fuzzy, reason being everything seems much harsher on paper… like, if you tell a person that is sitting across from you, you can tone things down with good facial expressions or smile even more bright when you deliver sad news. When you write things down you can smile a comforting smile but no one is there to see, and thus… much harsher…

Not that it is really bad, it could be worse, but it was not what we have been hoping for either.

So, here we go: rib, breast, spine, lung and liver area are still stable; this means nothing got bigger, and nothing got smaller. The spot in my small intestine got smaller, which is good news and this might indicate that the IL-2 is working, but the spot around the ovary got a bit bigger, so were back to square one, more or less.  Because the scans don’t really indicate what it is they are seeing (they just see something there that should not be and is bigger than a month ago) we need to do more testing next week.

New doctor, new procedures, new nurses, which I am sure are going to be wonderful (the doctors and nurses, I don’t know about the procedures…), but still it is a bit scary. We were hoping the IL-2 just would have done its job and made everything smaller (or made it disappear all together) but maybe it is just a bit slow and needs some more time.

And well, time is a bit of an issue

Not that I don’t have time, I have plenty (or so I like to think) but this “giving it time” thing is really stressful!!!  And thinking about being sick 24/7 doesn’t really make you feel better or makes you go back to work, writing, riding or relaxing…  So… it is even more stressful to be stressful.

Trying to be stress free is hard work.

But my sweet friend told me in a very stern voice yesterday, that I better get my act together and be a little selfish for a change, stop worrying about everything that I like to worry about and GET BETTER! She said; everybody would understand if I took a little break every now and then to fight this nasty fight because if I didn’t, they (as in my family and friends) would be a whole lot more upset if I didn’t take these little breaks and not be here not more because I wasn’t a bit more “selfish” and take the time to heal and kill some nasty cells…

Oh well…. that was a bit of a rambling thing, but I think you get the picture, right? Less stress, more cancer kicking in the butt and getting to meet lovely new people (nurses in this case)… hehe...

Today it has been over six weeks since I wrote this post above...

I had to go into surgery the next day after writing this.

They took out my left ovary.

We did new scans.

All the tumors grew since January.

The IL-2 did not work.

This Monday, and yes with this Monday I mean Monday the 5^th of March 2012 we are going to start with the new drug, recently approved by the FDA, Zelboraf.  And I am going to try my hardest to keep writing, just because I love it. Because I love life, and because I love you all. Yes this sounds a bit creepy, but it is meant well…

Third time is the charm, right?

...