And who are you...???

A mammogram, in my imagination was a terrible/the worst/ incredible scary procedure…But was it really??? NOPE! What it was; it was pretty interesting, to be honest…

I hardly slept the two days before I went, and I have to admit all these Stephen King, Dean Koontz and the other horror story writers I like to read didn’t help, but really, it wasn’t that frightening. Not like the awful,  peeing in your pants feeling that you get with the CAT scan and not as SCARY as feeling like you’re the bad guy with the mask in the Silence of the lambs movie, stuck in a tube that is way too small, SCARY!

Maybe it helps if you have smaller breasts???  It really wasn’t that bad. Not that it was fun, but the nurse was really friendly, explained all my 200 questions per minute in a very patient manner AND her hands were warm! Which I thought was a PLUS!

After we got done, she told me to sit and wait and probably within 15 minutes I could go home.

Well, that did not happen.

They saw “something” high up, pretty much above my right breast and they needed to further “investigate”… So I followed another really sweet nurse and unbuttoned. Good thing those fancy robes only have tree buttons (if you are trembling all over it is pretty hard to undo those little thingies) and she scanned my breast again. I have found out that the more you have intimate parts uncovered amongst total strangers, it easier it gets…. (at least that is what I thought up to last Wednesday…) NOT that it is fun, but it isn’t as scary anymore as it was the first time and I think I had my heart rate under control (for the most part anyway).

Again this didn’t go according to plan. After she took several “pics” she left me by myself in that room. All kinds of interesting tools you got there, plus two computers but not the stuff that you want to play with while the nurse is away… So I just fiddled with my robe and buttons.

She didn’t come back for what seemed like an ETERNITY (I should have asked Bastiaan to come but I wasn’t expecting to do all of this, blame the positive side of me) and when she did, it wasn’t just her, no she brought her superior nurse lady…. “Hhhmmmm….”.

The “new” nurse who was even more skilled in reading ultrasounds and mammograms told me that they had indeed found something “off”, but they weren’t sure what it was. And she wanted to look over herself. So I laid down again. Got gooey stuff all over me and the ladies looked…

Inconclusive.  Just my luck…

BUT it is better to know for sure than to not know exactly what it is and since I already had to go to a surgeon later last week, the sweet nurses told me not to worry (haha….) and talk to Dr. L on Wednesday.

I generally like ALL the nurses, nurse practitioners AND doctors (as you probably know). With that said my trip to the hospital on Wednesday is one of my least favorite.

If you have female problems (whatever they might be) it is nice to have a female doctor. At least I like that… They know what you have and what might be going on in or on your body, maybe a tinsy bit better than their male colleagues . So when I found out I had a man as the surgeon who was going to check out my breasts I felt a little uneasy.  But since I am no sissy and everybody deserves the benefit of the doubt AND because I had seen Dr L. before, I thought I would though it out, get it over with, prove everybody that  there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with me and go home….

So past Wednesday, after being escorted to the examine room by a lovely nurse who said she recognized me from 2 years ago (which was very flattering), putting on a bright pink robe thingy, I sat and waited…

And waited…

And waited some more…

Until I got EXTREMELY upset with everybody and everything! My heart rate went sky high, even higher than with the ultrasound (so yes it was beating almost out of my chest!)! I decided it was not worth the getting upset about waiting part, the doc probably was very busy (it sure didn’t seem like that when I left my little brother in an almost empty waiting room FORTY FIVE MINUTES earlier…) so I waited some more. I didn’t have the guts to go outside my little cubicle, in my paper pink almost fall apart robe thingy anyway…

After almost a full hour of waiting and putting crazy ideas in my head (which happen a lot lately) the doc walked in.  WITH AN ASSISTANT…. And no they did NOT ask me if it was all right that a 20 some year old BOY was gonna see my boobies and they DID NOT apologies for being an HOUR late!

I was in utter shock!

I come from Holland and in Holland we are pretty open about all kinds’ sexuality stuff and yes I know doctors are students before they are doctors BUT I was NOT expecting this and I did not like it! NOT ONE BIT.

But since they did not ask me if it was all right for the boy to stay, and the doc did not explain to me why or what the boy was doing there, I just laid down, zeroed myself to another planet and let them check my breasts. I do think I said yes and no at the right moments and I was aware of the fact that it wasn't the good news I was hoping for but at least it was over in 5 minutes… tops…

You have to believe me, I am no sissy, and I do understand that young folks need to learn, and they can’t learn from books only. But at least they could have asked me if it was oke, for him to be there…?  Since I have been diagnosed 3 and a half year ago I had never felt so vulnerable and like a number as last Wednesday, and you probably knew that because I have been writing a LOT of funny hospital stories although they were not always funny at that time. This was really not one of them.

And to make matters worse, Dr L. and the boy did not know what “it” was so now we have to do a biopsy. This will be biopsy number two this week. Which again is all right with me, because I rather know, then live with the maybe’s…

So this Tuesday I will probably have a blue boobie and Thursday Dr Nala will say… “YOU ARE ALL RIGHT!!!” See…  those words are worth all the blue boobies, blue ribs and young boys who need to learn!

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My steel horse

Since I was a little girl I wanted a shiny car. And yes, I was pretty sure what kind of shiny car that needed to be. I had no doubts, nobody could talk me into something different and I wasn’t gonna change my mind.

Because I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was 19 (in Holland you can’t get your license until you are 18) I was a little behind on the majority of teens. I didn’t mind because I was still working hard and saving my money for my dream car. But because I had to drive something, my mom and dad got my sister and I a little car to share. She was gonna take it one week and I the other. The weeks that we didn’t have the car we had to take the bus and train to get to school. The car was a good car and i was very grateful that my parents let my sister and i have one, but I wasn’t mine…

Finally after several years of working every weekend, every after schools hour and vacation period,  I had enough money saved up and so I bought my first BMW! I was so happy! So proud and I felt so free! This baby was mine and I did it all myself!!!

The only problem with that car was, (and of COURSE I didn’t admit that while I had it) that it was VERY fuel inefficient. And it would break. A lot! As in maybe, once every month…. Sometimes close to home, sometimes close to school and sometimes right in the middle of where I was going to…

So on a sunny Friday afternoon D. and I were driving home. We had the music on, and we were happy that it was almost weekend. Not that I could do a lot of partying, because I had to work the whole weekend in order to pay for all the fuel and the latest gasket, oil filter or plug for my car… But we were happy anyway and feeling on top of the world driving our own cool car!

In Holland the highways are crowded. And I don’t mean crowded like here, no, its crazy bumper to bumper three/ fourths of the way home. So while we were in the left lane, called the “fast” lane and creeping forward at about 5 miles an hour, smoke started coming out from under the hood….

I whispered to D., “D. this is not good!?!”, and it wasn’t good at all… we had major overheating problems…  Because the highway was so full of cars we couldn’t go to the right lane and park in the grass besides the highway, nobody would let us true anyway…

So after some more panicking we decided to park in the middle part of the highway. And yes we know that this is STRICKTLY FORBIDDEN. But we didn’t know what to do and I wasn’t gonna let my car do any more damage to itself!!! I needed my baby!

So we park the car on the “wrong” side, open the hood and check. I don’t know much about cars but I thought it was some kind of hose that was busted. D. thought the same. While we were standing there lots of cars honked. Lots of “friendly” faces that were laughing AT us. BUT nobody stopped!!! So were standing there besides the highway, car smoking, two desperate looking young girls, and NOBODY stopped…

After some 15 minutes of looking at the hose and getting more and more frustrated by all these people not stopping to help us, finally a truck driver stops at the good (right) side of the road and comes over. He looks in the car and concludes that it is indeed a hose… “Oh well, tough guy we already knew that but thanks for stopping”.

And then things started to click... or so we thought…

While our truckdriver was standing there staring at the hose, a police car stops right behind my parked car…. 

“YOU CAN’T STAND HERE!!!” he yells while exciting his cop car.  I was trying to explain to him that I knew that but that we didn’t have no other choice and I was a little bit surprised that he didn’t ask if we had an accident or something and if somebody was hurt. Nope, he didn’t ask anything at all, he just yelled that we weren’t supposed to be here! The bad thing was; the truck driver didn’t like the police…

And so he starts yelling (to the policeman!!!) that those girls (D. and I) had car trouble and that we could park anywhere we wanted! So while D. and I thought that this couldn’t go any worse, it got worse!

The policeman and the “good Samaritan” are yelling and were just standing there besides the highway and wondering what is going to happen next.

Finally the policeman had enough and tells the truck driver to go away or he is going to get a ticket. After some more cursing, screaming and yelling…!!!  He finally left. In the mean time the police man apparently called some other coppers and they arrive but instead of HELPING US (or even asking us what the matter is) the block off the highway….

Three lanes of highway completely blocked off by police cars…

The policeman yells (again) that we need to go to the other side of the road…

So D. and I hop in the car, drive (really, really slowly, we really felt like royalty too…) to the other side of the road and park it in the grass. And before we even know what is going on, all 4 police cars left…. “What???!!!”

Within no time the traffic is bumper to bumper again, 5 miles an hour and people politely smiling at us… Ohww, what a day!?

Then we realized that one of my housemates who was still at school (in order to get home) needed to use the same highway, so we called him up. He was maybe 5 miles up the road stuck in the same traffic jam. He promised us he would get there as soon as possible and help us out.

What seemed like forever we finally saw his car and he pulled over,  got us hooked up behind his car (which was slightly smaller and less heavy) so the pulling didn’t go as smooth…  But we were on our way again. After some CRAZY driving and towing our car we made it to his house. Changed the troublemaker hose and put in a new hose.  D. and I drove home, with all the windows open and the air at full blast, because we were too afraid the car was going to overheat again…

I dropped D. of at the train station and got home at 9.45 pm. We had left that same day at 1 pm and the drive normally takes us 2 hours….

D. and I have been in a lot of situations like this, but I never sold my car, well not until it was unsafe (as in really, really unsafe) to drive it anymore (I bought a new BMW)… and I never regret one day driving it. I felt on top of the world driving that car. And it made me realize that as long as you believe in yourself, work hard and long for something and you never give up, you will reach the top. Whatever that top might be for you….

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Enjoy Life

Well the good news is; I didn't light up as a Christmas tree all nice and shiny. The bad news; more testing and thus more waiting.

The waiting is really the hard part. Once you know you can just go and fight the bastard. But as long as you don’t know, you don’t know what or how to fight it. Even if you wear your best panties!

So last Friday when we went to Dr Nala she told us that although the PET scan didn’t show a whole lot we needed to do more testing because there were several spots that she didn’t trust.

So today (Monday) I will be going and will get my boobies squished, for real this time not like last time… Wednesday we have to go to get the results and Friday we have to get a biopsy done. And then we wait. Next Thursday Dr Nala will give me the news. At least I hope. Any news is better than no news...

Until then, since it is pretty hard focusing on anything at all lately (wonder why…?) and I have all these idea’s for things/stories I want to tell you in my head, but somehow they don’t make it onto the paper. That is why I’m gonna leave you with this great quote I found at my cyber friend Dolores’s blog: Moving forward with Alzheimer’s.  

There are 5 things in life you cannot recover:

A stone... After it's thrown

A word... After it is said

An occasion... After it's missed

The time... After it's gone

A person... After they die

Life is short. Break the rules. Kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably. And never regret anything that made you smile, Enjoy Life…

So that is what I’m gonna do!

Enjoy all the sweet comments you left me in the last week, which made me feel so special, so loved and so much stronger. Enjoy my wonderful family who I can count on no matter how bad, cranky or desperate I feel. Enjoy my more than fantastic hubby, who makes me feel pretty even if I look like hell. Enjoy the farm where I am so incredibly proud off.  And enjoy my friend for life, crazy black stallion and give him a good rub!

And if Jones is a good boy maybe he can get a good rub too, he’ll enjoy that….

See ya Thursday!

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