6 weeks and two days ago…
See… I have been trying to write.
Well, I have been trying in my head really really hard
and it all sounded perfectly fine… Somehow it just didn't quite make it onto the paper, or
well, because we do live in the modern days, on my perfectly fine purple
laptop…
Now I have so much to tell you that I don’t know where to
start!
First: I missed you all very much!
Second: We got more news last Tuesday (six weeks ago), and yes my
plan was to write this down all nice and fuzzy, reason being everything seems
much harsher on paper… like, if you tell a person that is sitting across from
you, you can tone things down with good facial expressions or smile even more
bright when you deliver sad news. When you write things down you can smile a
comforting smile but no one is there to see, and thus… much harsher…
Not that it is really bad, it could be worse, but it was
not what we have been hoping for either.
So, here we go: rib, breast, spine, lung and liver area are
still stable; this means nothing got bigger, and nothing got smaller. The spot
in my small intestine got smaller, which is good news and this might indicate
that the IL-2 is working, but the spot around the ovary got a bit bigger, so
were back to square one, more or less.
Because the scans don’t really indicate what it is they are seeing (they
just see something there that should not be and is bigger than a month ago) we
need to do more testing next week.
New doctor, new procedures, new nurses, which I am sure
are going to be wonderful (the doctors and nurses, I don’t know about the
procedures…), but still it is a bit scary. We were hoping the IL-2 just would
have done its job and made everything smaller (or made it disappear all
together) but maybe it is just a bit slow and needs some more time.
And well, time is a bit of an issue
Not that I don’t have time, I have plenty (or so I like
to think) but this “giving it time” thing is really stressful!!! And thinking about being sick 24/7 doesn’t
really make you feel better or makes you go back to work, writing, riding or
relaxing… So… it is even more stressful
to be stressful.
Trying to be stress free is hard work.
But my sweet friend told me in a very stern voice
yesterday, that I better get my act together and be a little selfish for a
change, stop worrying about everything that I like to worry about and GET
BETTER! She said; everybody would understand if I took a little break every now
and then to fight this nasty fight because if I didn’t, they (as in my family
and friends) would be a whole lot more upset if I didn’t take these little
breaks and not be here not more because I wasn’t a bit more “selfish” and take
the time to heal and kill some nasty cells…
Oh well…. that was a bit of a rambling thing, but I think
you get the picture, right? Less stress, more cancer kicking in the butt and
getting to meet lovely new people (nurses in this case)… hehe...
Today it has been over six weeks since I wrote this post above...
I had to go into surgery the next day after writing this.
They took out my left ovary.
We did new scans.
All the tumors grew since January.
The IL-2 did not work.
This Monday, and yes with this Monday I mean Monday the 5th
of March 2012 we are going to start with the new drug, recently approved by the
FDA, Zelboraf. And I am going to try my
hardest to keep writing, just because I love it. Because I love life, and
because I love you all. Yes this sounds a bit creepy, but it is meant well…
Third time is the charm, right?
...
