Monday, August 15, 2011

Putting things in perspective


I wrote this post  in April 2010.
Sometimes i read it to try, to put things in perspective again. This last week has been a bit (read: a lot) of a challenge. Normally i can stay pretty positive and find a way to convince myself that I'm gonna be just fine. This is not one of those weeks.


What Cancer does to somebody like me...

One year, eleven months and somewhat days ago I got confronted with this awful disease. I can tell you, it wasn't and is not funny.

After several surgeries, lots of pain and fear I got 4 weeks of chemo treatment for 4 hours straight every day. When we were done with the IV's we did 48 weeks of chemo shots, 3 times a week, with one of the most terrible chemical substances that people have invented. Things lasted a bit longer because we had to quit a couple of times (weeks) because my body or mind couldn’t handle it too well...

Cancer does a lot to people... So does the treatment of cancer...


It makes you angry
Angry against the world, because every time you go to the hospital, the people that you meet are in their fifties. "Where are all the young people???" "Am I the only one?" Angry towards the people surrounding you. I doesn’t matter how hard they try, they can’t feel, understand or know what you feel. Even if they are by your side 24/7 in the hospital and at home, keep your hair up when you are puking your guts out in the toilet or when you do NOT want to say ANYTHING because you are to tired to the bone or when they hold you until the shaking has stopped…

Angry towards your friends, you thought they were there, but they are not. Angry towards you family, they do not deserve it, but to admit that to yourself only makes things worse. But most of all angry towards yourself. Because you just can’t understand why this had to happen. And if you could have changed it or prevented it. And of course I am MAD because I thought I could change or adapt to anything. I could do everything and I didn’t NEED anybody. Angry because it is not fair. Angry because it shouldn’t have to be this way. Angry because of all the hurt I caused other people...

It makes you scared
Scared that you never get off of the roller coaster of emotions, your sad, happy, angry and hurt, and all over again. Afraid that with every bump, every little thing that hurts, every little change or little mold, it is coming back... Scared that all the statistics are true. Scared because we have to go back to the hospital every 3 months the coming five years, and you NEVER know what “they” are going to say... Afraid you can never have any little kids, and even if you would, and you would die within two years, Bastiaan would be all alone with that little bundle of love... I can’t do that... Afraid that you can not give the people, who you love the most, what they deserve.


It makes you sad
Because live passed you by for the last two years and you can not get it back. Because you wanted to build friendships but didn’t have the energy to do so. Because you wanted to face the mistakes you made in the past, but that didn’t work out. Because this was supposed to be the new country with the new life and possibilities. Because we are shallow and you do not realize that until you have a hole of 3 by 2,5 inches on you leg and so many other scars on you body you do not even want to count them. Because you are hurting of the scars that mark your hart. Because I, like so many others want to put problems, subject and other things behind us.

You Learn
That if you do not have anything nice to say, it is better to stay quiet. You do not rule the world, even if you think you did. Things happen for a reason, it will not help you if you do not accept them. Sometimes you have to agree that choices other people make are for the best of you. You can not run from whatever it is you are hiding from. It will come and get you eventually.

You feel loved and blessed
Because no matter what happens (your yelling, crying, being silent and everything in between) your family is there for you. Because the boy who wanted to go with you (because you felt the need to milk cows in the USA) has to deal with all of this and STILL loves you. Because people that you hardly know came up to your house and gave you food, money, a friendly smile or other things that would comfort you. Because of the friends that did stay are the ones you need to love the most in return. Because ordinary people with ordinary lives felt the need to pray for YOU! And wished you the best and MEANT it...

Whenever you are sick, your mom, dad, husband, brother, sister, family, friends and all the other people that care for you are a little bit sick too. And if they can fight for you, you should fight for them.


It makes you happy
For every day that you can complain, yell or blabber to your family. That you can look to your husband and realise how much you really love him. That every morning you can get out of bed, and you do NOT have to stay in that stupid bed! Because you can go to your work, because it is a dream come true. Running a large family operated dairy is a gift and blessing, and i am so proud that we can. That I can make choices about who what and were. And that every day, is one day is that I can enjoy.

For the first time since April 2008 I feel like myself again, although it is a totally different me. After 5 terrible days, because yes, they put you on all the meds, but how do you get off of them again!!?? Without sleep, with lots and lot’s of pain, and feeling like a zombie who just like a drug addict is missing out on his shot, and doesn’t feel quite alive, I got out of the shower.

And I am glad to be here...

...

51 comments:

Hoosier Farm Babe said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes!

Jill said...

Bless your heart. I wish you didn't have to go through all of this but am glad you have so many to love and support you. You really brought tears to my eyes with your words. No one should have to go through this. I am sending you a hug. I hope you can feel it.

Lisa @ Two Bears Farm said...

You are so brave to share your feelings on this. It's great that you can give outsiders a glimpse. I wish cancer didn't exist.

Alica said...

You are so honest in your posts...thanks for being willing to share your journey. Praying for the best for you!

Saimi said...

You left out Strong. By reading what you went through it definitely say's your a very strong and brave person.

Thanks for sharing your feelings, sending you a cyber hug.

Buttons said...

I am so glad you are here too. Your story gives other people going through the same thing something to relate to. You are not the only one and you are brave writing your emotions all down so we can share in them. I do not have cancer but I have been dealing with it a lot in the last 12 years with people I truly love. It is a horrible disease and I am glad people like you can write down what it feels like to go through it. I now know what they are truly going through in their silence. Thank you and take care. B

Robyn said...

What a powerful post, I too have tears in my eyes.

Keeping you in prayer, Leontien.

Betsy from Tennessee said...

Since I just lost one of my best friends to cancer, your post made me cry again. We --who don't even have cancer, but who go through it with a friend or family member, have some of the same feelings and responses and reactions... Cancer is a wicked disease. I'm SO glad that you are doing so well now. God Bless.
Hugs,
Betsy

TexWisGirl said...

i loved all of your honesty and felt your pain and love too...

Florida Farm Girl said...

Leontien -- writing that post was one of the most courageous things you could do. And that you did it speaks volumes to your strength. This new bump in the road can be handled, too. And I wish you a forever of days when you're glad to be here. And I'm glad you're here, too.

don said...

I admire your strength and resolve in all this trauma. A wonderful statement of your inmost feeling. Thanks for sharing with us.

Larkrise garden girl said...

Leontien, Those words could be my daughter words. We who watch young people battle disease really don't know what to say. We try to be postitive but were not in your shoes. It is the most unfair thing in Life to see a young person sick.
You have lived a lifetime in understanding how precious Life and love is. You might help one person not to say a thoughtless remark to a person who is no longer the young bright eyed child you knew but has the eyes and the attitude of someone who is living such a precarious tightrope of Life. We hear you Leontien and you bring tears to my eyes because you say what others can't articulate. Cheri

Cheryl @ The Farmer's Daughter said...

Hi Leontien, I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, but I'm glad you had a lot of loving people to support you and be there for you. You are a strong woman and I'm happy you are doing well now. Blessings to you! (((Hugs)))

Elizabeth Grimes said...

Oh my goodness. This was beautifully written and very moving. Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the very best.

Clint said...

Very powerful. Anything more that I could say would sound stupid next to your testimony. I am putting this on Facebook so that my friends can read it. Thank you.

It's me said...

Kippenvel verhaal Leontien.....echt dik op mijn lijf.......ben zo blij dat jij er nog bent...en moet gelijk aan al die mensen om me heen denken die het niet hebben gered de strijd tegen kanker...mijn vader...mijn broer....vrienden van heel dichtbij......tja meis zo is het leven...dat jij maar heeeeeeeeel oud mag worden.....kus van mij...xxx...

Tanna at The Brick Street Bungalow said...

You have been to hell and have lived to tell about it. Leontien, you are a stong woman... and your wisdom and honesty match your strength. prayers for your continued health... tanna

Dolores said...

Thank you for your transparency in this beautifully written and poignant post.
I'm so sorry you've had to experience cancer. I pray for you ...that from now on it will always be a thing of the past.....

TheCrankyCrow said...

You have an amazing gift with words Leontien....and an amazing spirit. I am sorry to hear of your recent challenges and pray for healing and recovery. I wish for you a long, full, lifetime of days filled with "wanting to be here." Big Hugs ~ Robin

bon bon said...

you are such a strong young woman. i often forget when i come here to check in on what you're up to, that you are a cancer survivor. there are so many healthy people who spend their days complaining, yet you share every story with the passion and excitement of someone who knows they have a long, full life yet to live! i myself, don't doubt this one bit. God bless, sweetie.

Gerreke said...

Meid, wat heftig toch. Wat heb je dat allemaal goed onder woorden kunnen brengen.

Lieve groet,
Gerreke

Gail Dixon (Louisiana Belle) said...

Such an honest post that truly touched my heart. Hoping you continue to fight hard and WIN! You are a beautiful person and deserve all the best that life has to offer. Despite your setbacks you are still here and living your dreams. What an amazing feat! God bless you.

Angela said...

I am truly amazed that the medicines to treat cancer are so hard on the body but yet they also can cure and kill the cancer.

Hugs,
Angela

Sweet Virginia Breeze said...

Thank you for a powerful and moving post. You are a brave and strong person. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Garden of Egan said...

Wow!
That was hard to read through the tears.
Such an amazing force to your words and feelings and experiences. Raw honesty.
Thank you so much for sharing that.
You were too young.
Isn't anyone?

I hate that word.
Cancer.

But it sounds like you have climbed huge hurdles that others would have melted under (and have)

Again, thank you for sharing yourself.
Love and hugs.
Tauna

Arkansas Patti said...

You displayed the feelings most of us who have delt with cancer try to hide. The pain, the fear, pure rage and the guilts we shove behind the "brave face." Wonderful post and I am so glad you are in a better place now.

Louise said...

Everyone who has cancer, and everyone who knows someone who has cancer should read the words you wrote. You are a remarkable writer, Leontien, and you make the world a better place for being in it. You are a gift.

rainfield61 said...

Thank you for sharing this.

It is not a story, and you have never created it.

Sharon said...

It was a great post then and still remains, a great post!

Thanks, Leontien!

Mike said...

Cancer is definitely something to reckon with. My first wife succumbed to it in 2008. I hadn't seen or heard from her in 15 years. Got a call from my son when she was hospiced. I wish you well in your fight.

My polish chicks won't get as fat as the chickens I think you were talking about in my post. There ornamental and not meaty. Also, lay eggs on the smaller side as far as I was told. I'm learning as I go and will find out as it happens.

Jeanie said...

Your courage and strength in facing what you have been through is amazing. You ability to share it so vividly is inspiring.

Dreaming said...

You are amazing! I admire your strength. I envy your sense of humor. I would love to meet you in person and give you a hug... many hugs!
A lawyer once used the IJAR rule as defense when I was on a jury. I think the IJAR rule applies to you. IJAR stands for "It Just Ain't Right"!
It just ain't right that you have had to suffer the way you have.
It just ain't right that you have had a lousy week.

I hope things get better.
You are loved by so many. We are there for you!

Bob Bushell said...

I'm certainly glad that you are here after it all.

Ellie said...

Wow, what a post. Left me lost for words and with a lump in my throat. So well written and from the heart.
My sister has had cancer and has come throught it all.
Cancer and all it entails is evil.
I initially came on to say thanks for all your good birthday wishes on my blog. So thank you :)

Cinner said...

This post made me feel the strength of your character. No one should have to go through this. This brought tears to my eyes. I am saying a prayer that you are healthy and happy. I was raised on a farm so your dairy farm sounds wonderful to me...enjoy every day. smiles.

Mom of M&Ms said...

You brought me to my knees, thanking God for your blog, and testimony. For being brave enough to fight and to share that fight. Blessings on you from our Heavenly Father

Susan said...

I truly admire you Leontien. Sending you my warm good wishes.

Sandi said...

I am curious...what would have been helpful for someone else to have said to you during a visit as you walked this path in 2010? I've been hospitalized a lot with physical things. I know what is helpful and what is not in those circumstances. I lack insight into how to be helpful in your circumstances.

don said...

Yesterday I didn't comment on your fine pictures. I love the way the water is lighted with the sun's reflection. the toning adds a nice quality too.

Ellie said...

Hi, I dropped back in today to see if you had posted again. Hope everything is well with you. Sending you hugs.

Nancy @ A Rural Journal said...

I think you just said what many cancer patients would like to say, but either don't know how or are too afraid.

Thank you for reposting. :)

missing moments said...

A marvelous and brave post. Very well articulated. I'm cancer free but have not gone through the extensive surgeries/chemo you have.
I am thankful for every day I get to be here to enjoy the beautiful world around me.
I am so glad you are feeling back to normal!

Donna said...

Talking with my neighbor toniht who is bravely facing her battle which is very iffy. She is handling it so bravely and I wonder how? Anger is loss of control of a situation and isn't that the ultimate loss?
How everyday problems look easy after reading a post like yours. Thanks you for making me grateful enough for my life and it's problems to be on my knees tonight for that...and for YOU!!

mountain mama said...

awesome post! we are glad you are here!!!

{hugs|

Cinderella11pm said...

Leontien,
Thank you so much for the truths in this post about your first hand experience with cancer.
I am going to send it to a friend of mine.
Never were most honest words spoken about it all, and so eloquently.
*Blessings to you*

I am glad you are here too:)

Jill said...

What a wonderful post...It really gives me a perspective on what you have been through. You are an inspiring person! Thinking of you and your challenges this past week.

DeeAnna said...

I love the way you spoke with honesty and bravery. These are words tht not everyone can hear. I think we feel more comfortable with bravery rather than reality. Your post is very real in such an incomprehensible time. My prayers are with you for strength and courage. I am so happy that you are here to share your experiences with your readers. Blessings to you and you family.

Sandra said...

some how I missed this post, blame it on senior moments. we are glad you are here and have kept your sense of humor and are using you talent for writing.

Four Ransom's said...

Great post, Leontien. My family on my husbands side has been faced with this disease for the past 3 years. My sister in law was diagnosed with colon cancer...had surgery and chemo and then found out this past November that it was back and also in a lymph node. It is amazing what it does to a family...but Iam thankful to say that it has all made us better people. It is as if we each are a little sick...but it does make us stronger...I will be praying for positive news!

Anonymous said...

Just spoke with your Mom at Kroger's. I didn't realize you were experiencing problems again. I am sending hugs and prayers your way. JILL

Sherry Smyth said...

A beautiful post. Words that are oh so true.