Thursday, November 10, 2011

You got to be kidding?!?


What I believed at some point as simply not possible, just came with time... I can walk from one side of the house to the other, without toppling over from lack of breath… I can even walk to my mom and dad’s house (if I really wanted), three quarters of a mile down the road! 

Whoohhooo!


The stress test went well. Doc says I am ready for Round Two…

I don’t think I am ready for Round Two…

Last Thursday I was sleeping in a little bit, like I have been doing since I got back from the hospital and I was having this incredibly annoying, please, please go away, itch. One of the side effects is itchiness and for the last week, somehow it just doesn’t wanna stop.

I rub myself with five different lotions but they all seem to work a couple of hours and then I have to undress and lather up all over again. But Bastiaan and I reason this to be a good thing, it just means that the chemo stuff is still doing its thing and thus Kill, Kill, Kill all those nasty cells…

So while I lay in bed, scratching myself everywhere until I am nice and red all over again, thinking by myself that I really need another bottle of lotion, right here besides my bed,  I feel something  (feeling something  that wasn’t there before on your body is NOT a good thing)…


YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING!!!????

I jump out of bed towards the bathroom and check again.

It could be imagination, you know. Very common amongst patients to feel things that are not really there just because they are scared that something is there…

There was defiantly something there.

And then I got a little angry, well and then MAD and then even MADDER (don’t know if that is a proper English word but my spelling check says it’s ok…) and then I got REALLY REALLY upset.

How come that we are doing this immense-awful chemo stuff, which almost killed me (and I thought the whole plan behind this chemo thing was that I was NOT going to be dying any time soon) and now I am feeling a little bump in my armpit…

Let me tell you this is NOT very uplifting, hopeful or encouraging while trying to Kick Cancer in the Butt.


I called IU in Indianapolis but they didn’t pick up the phone so I called my Dr Nala. She told me to come right away and she would have a look (did I tell you she and the nurses over there are just little angels???). Bastiaan and I rushed to the hospital and Dr Nala checked the little bump. Yes it was defiantly there and no I wasn’t just in my imagination (which I of course new, but then again I have been wrong about my body in the past…). Dr Nala got on the phone and checked with my doctor at IU and together they looked at my CAT-scans and discussed the situation.

Their explanation: It had been there before, I just might not have felt it any sooner and/or because of the chemo it might have enlarged a bit or got closer to the surface of the skin and that is why I felt it now. BUT that it did NOT mean that the chemo is not working and/or that we are not doing the whole kill, kill, kill thing, so we shouldn’t (never ever) give up!

I am scared shitless.

 (I promised myself I wouldn’t curse in my blog… I am promising you now it won’t happen again)


...

86 comments:

TexWisGirl said...

sweetheart, you can swear all you want. you're doing battle. in the heat of battle, sometimes cursing can help bring all of your cells into the fight!

i am so glad you're getting stronger - physically, at least. i know mentally you are still fighting through tons of fear and pain and more fear.

keep fighting, girl. you are SO strong. you have SO much love around you. you have some great doctors. :)

Jill said...

Dear Leontien: If you want to curse...if it helps...if it makes you feel better, go right ahead!

I am so happy for the gains you have made, the walking, the stress test, etc. You will be ready when it's time to start round 2. I know you will be. You are strong and you have so many people that love and pray for you. I'm one of them and I am also sending you hugs. Stay strong, my friend.

Cinner said...

Leontien, of course your scared shitless and you know what swear if you want to, you have reason. It is good you are able to walk around again, that means you are strong and ready to fight. I have never endured Cancer but I can imagine the feelings you are experiencing. My prayers and thoughts to you dear one.Hugs

Mom of M&Ms said...

A well placed curse can be so beneficial. and Girl! you have earned the right to say what ever you want in the heat of battle.

So proud of all you have faced and the courage to face more. You WILL be ready for round two..

and Kudos, also for knowing your body and seeking help.

Praying continues here in Texas for you and your family and medical team....

Joost van de Viersprong said...

Hey leontien,

Wat een heftig verhaal weer, zeg. Hou je taai!

Joost

Becky~ said...

Dear Leontien,its all a part of the process your going through.Punch a pillow scream outloud,then relax and keep up the positive feelings.

I was so happy to hear you can go outside with out the huffing and puffing and that you may just be able to walk a few miles down the rode.Thats awesome.Keep the positive attitude I do know its a bit difficult to say the least,but your strong you show it each and every day.Take one day at a time and one moment at a time.

Hugs and blessings to you dear
Leontien

Val said...

If you don't want to swear, then we'll swear for you...if you don't want us to listen, we'll plug our ears...if you don't want to walk, we'll carry you.

We are all behind you and rooting for you, and if we could, we would all take this next round of treatments for you. I will be praying constantly that you find the strength within to fight...and we'll be here to celebrate when you win!

Debbie said...

we are all grown women here, we have heard it all....how could you not be scared shitless. i'm scared shitless for you!!

there....i said it twice. it feels good!!

big...big hugs!!

Clint said...

You are such an inspiration to us all. WE LOVE YOU.

bon bon said...

the chemo doesn't pinpoint a certain area, does it? i'm kind of clueless on how the treatment works, but it sure sounds like your whole body is getting a workout.

keep "itching" your way to back to better health! (ugh, bad pun.) ;o)

cute kitty, btw...

Susan said...

Curse, then curse some more! Oh Leontien I am so impressed by you. I wish this was all over for you, but since it's not, I will just keep praying for you. You have been through so much. We all love you very much sweet lady and we are all rooting for you!!!!God bless you!

Susan

Marybeth @ AlarmClockWars said...

I can't imagine how scary that must be. The good thing is that you have doctors who will listen to you, and help you though it. And you have all of your best bloggy buds who are here for you through it all.

Alica said...

Oh Leontien...I'm so sorry you have to go through this!! I'm glad that you're feeling stronger, and thankful for the wonderful doctors and nurses that you've found! It's perfectly ok and normal to be scared...Praying for you my dear!!

This Farm Family's Life said...

Oh Leontien! You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs ;o)

Jent said...

Feel free to swear on my blog - just let me know when you need to swear and I will gladly post nothing but swear words and cuss cancer for you!

HUG, HUG, HUG! <3

Sandra said...

I got so excited when I saw you had posted, then even more excited when you said you were able to walk and feeling better, then I dropped back down from that high when i read the rest of this. I am now without words, which is rare with me. i read all the comments before me and every word they said I say ditto ditto and ditto from me. especially the one that said We Love You... keep on fighting and fighting until you have kicked the butt of this terrible disease. so sorry about the itchy part but happy about the can walk part. I am praying for you and for your family. hugs and prayers from me to you. God bless you.......

don said...

I'm glad you're feeling stronger and ready (physically) for round two. Sorry to hear of the "bump" and the trauma that caused. You have ample reason to be upset. I admire your spunk and "hang in there" attitude. All the best…...

Not So Simply Single said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Not So Simply Single said...

Leontin,

You are an amazing woman! Curse away girl, curse away....(you know I would!)

I hope you are watching funny movies, and making yourself laugh daily. The endorphins in laughter really help the body to heal.

I am sorry about the new finding, but you will get through this...I promise.

Visualize the white blood cells healing....Think of Jesus wrapping his arms around you and holding you as you are sleeping. He is healing you...you are being healed daily.

I know you will get through this...

Love and prayers from Maui....

Lisa
xoxo

My Kid's Mom said...

Curse if you want - you have the right to, just don't give up! We're all praying for you.

Lisa @ Two Bears Farm said...

Sometimes a curse word is fitting.

I'm sorry about the scary new lump. It's good that your doctors are not concerned. I hope all those itchies are a HUGE sign of how well the treatment is working. Hugs!!

Larkrise garden girl said...

Leontien if anybody is allowed to curse it's you. Leontien were all praying and know your doing everything in your power to fight this stupid disease.I'm mad at that dumb bump for giving you worry.luv, Cheri

Inger said...

Leontien, I didn't have a computer for most of the summer and got a new one a while ago. Since then I've been busy catching up with old blogger friends. So I had no idea that you are dealing with cancer again. Swear all you want. You are strong, beautiful, and have so much love around you. I'm sending lots of love and hugs and will keep you in my thoughts. This is a bummer though!!!

Julia said...

Dear Leontien, that bump is enough to scare anyone who is dealing with cancer. The only bumps that are OK to have at the present are you breasts and your buns. Anything else right now is not supposed to be there.

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this scare at this time because you have enough to deal with.

I keep you in my prayers for total healing. Don't stop kicking Cancer butts even though it's hard. I hope that you have lots of support from your close family and friends and even your animals.

I've been so busy at the farm. We got twin calves on Wednesday Nov 2nd, a male and a female, triplets on the 3rd, all females and another big female calf on the 6th. I know that it's busier on your farm than on ours, but I'm tired.

Thanks for your comments on my blog. Big hugs. Julia

It's me said...

Het hoort er allemaal bij lieverd...maar onthou jij bent sterker dan die rot ziekte......de halve wereld bid voor je.......dus dit moet goedkomen.......liefs van mij....xxx...hele dikke knuffel !! hou vol !!...xxx..

Lana said...

Swearing is just another way of getting the nasty stuff out. It's all ok. We are swearing right along with you!

BigD said...

Don't panic yet.
You're still a work-in-progress.

Buttons said...

Damn sometimes cursing helps. Do not worry my dear Leontien I am sure it is working look you can already walk without losing your breath you are doing well.Keep going girl. I know you can do this. I know a couple of Dutch curse words but do not know how to spell them if I did that would work well everything always looks better in a different language as you know. SMILE you can do this. BIG HUG. xxoo B

Deone said...

Oh Leo.. You are something pretty special... I check everyday even multiple times a day to see if you posted!! I am really getting into this whole blog thing right? ;) anyway.. No matter what comes your way.. You will be loved, prayed for and thought about! God has a plan.. :) we just don't quite know what it is or how to find the answer.. :) we just have to be patient I guess and trust Him. But regardless.. You are quite the little fighter and I am so proud to call you my friend!! ;) love you..

LindaG said...

We are all praying for you and we will continue doing so.
And Leontien, you may cuss whenever you want to. You certainly have the right to do so.
I am scared for you, too; but with prayer I believe everything will be okay.

*hugs hugs hugs* ♥ Power to the Panties!

P.S.
What wonderful pictures. I love kitties.

geetlee said...

Hi Leontien,
Yayy for being able to walk without feeling breathless.
Itching and bumps - gosh, annoying i'm sure.
But hey, power to the panties!! cancer is going to get its ass kicked! have no fear!

Lori Skoog said...

Leontien...Thanks for the update. Sorry you are going through all this...I'm sure that it has been more than a pain in the A**! Building up your strength walking is a good idea...fresh air is a bonus. It is perfectly natural to be scared. Just trust that those nasty cells are being destroyed. Please keep us posted!

Pauline Poels said...

Pfff, Leontien!

Jij krijgt het wel te verduren zeg. Maar geef niet op!!

Heel veel sterkte en positieve energie!

Jessica Nunemaker said...

Hey Leontien,

Hang in there girl! Just think...the sooner Round Two gets here, the sooner it's OVER with!

You can so do this! We're all pulling for you!!!

Melodie said...

Oh girl, if anyone deserves to sling out a few cuss words it is you.I can not begin to imagine what you are going through but I KNOW you can beat this cancer. Maybe some comfrey oil for you skin if you can find some,it is a super healing herb for skin.

Rose H (UK) said...

Hi Leontien
You can curse all you want you know. I'm so pleased that you are able to walk without the breathlessness, and sad you're suffering with the itchiness :o( Chemo must be working though :o)
I love your cute little kitten and that wonderful four leaf clover, bringing you all the luck in the world to beat this beastly disease.
So lovely of you to pay me a visit, you are now my official Dutch Specialist! Thank you for the lovely comments. Sending you big {{{hugs}}} too. Stay strong, you have SO much support. Love from across the miles.
Rose H
x

Diana said...

You have every right to swear Leontien. As a matter of fact, a little swearing may just help as it gats some of the anger out and that means you are in fighting mode!! So you keep on fighting and we will all keep on praying. Whatever it takes Damn it!!! Love Di ♥

Ellie said...

Leontien, swear all you want - I don't mind in the least.
You are such a positive person don't let this set you back. You have wonderful doctors who will make sure all is well. You have wonderful family
and friends who will look after you. And then you have us bloggers who are only to happy to let you ofload onto them (and swear some if it helps).
Much love and hugs to you.

Kim said...

Curse away - it might scare the cancer away. I hear from friends that the itching is fairly common but I know it must be annoying. Hang in there - the chemotherapy is just doing it's job.
I had to go last Monday for a repeat scan. They think it's just a cyst. I get the report on Wednesday. I'm sure it's nothing. I was touched that you remembered to ask :)
Big cancer killing Hugs to you!!!

Gerreke said...

Meid, ik ben zo onder de indruk van je verhaal. Pfff, het zweet brak me uit man toen ik het las ...

Eigenlijk weet ik gewoon niet wat ik zeggen moet. Je maakt zoveel mee en ik kan het niet bijbenen!

Maar een ding. Ik leef me je mee!

Sharon said...

It's good that you are feeling better, but not that you itch... but maybe you needed to itch to find the little bump? You are doing the good fight and I believe that a little cursing is probably gonna happen, I do know you are tired of this game already.

Many hugs!!!

Let us know when round #2 is going to start!

Carola said...

Leontien, you can curse ! You have to be so strong, and you are !!
Don't worry about cursing. I admire you and Bastiaan so much. You can do this !! Love and hugs from all of us. Carola and family.

Gail Dixon (Louisiana Belle) said...

Sometimes curse words are the only way to express yourself! Don't ever feel badly about that, my dear. You have been to hell and back and no one will judge you for using profanity. And if they do, take names and give them to me. I'm Italian and come from sketchy mafia types, so I can get tough when necessary. LOL

Bless your heart. All that you have been through...I admire your strength and fortitude and the ability to fight so hard. Keep fighting. We all are behind you.

Sush said...

Leontien...sometimes it's the best thing to do...cuss it all out and then laugh to get yo going again. I hate this for you. I'm sending prayers and love on the swift winds of lovely autumn winds...

God bless and you can cuss like a sailor if it feels good.
Just sayin'...!!!

Hugs~

TheCrankyCrow said...

Swear? Heck - in these parts, that wouldn't even count! So good to hear you're recovering some strength and that at least someone knows you're ready for Round 2!! There's nothing more than I can say that the many before me have not said so much more eloquently - just know that I haven't stopped praying for you since you told us this news....And I won't stop till you tell me you were victorious once again in battle. Stay calm and scratch on....Smiles & Healing Hugs from Nod ~ Robin

Out on the prairie said...

Lovely tohear from you. Success is not always measured as 100% but I hope it becomes close.

lisa said...

You curse all you want Sweetheart!!!
I am glad to hear that you are regaining your strength. You're gonna get there, I just know it!! Do continue to be as strong as you are, and keep that wonderful spirit. You are in my thoughts and prayers each and every day.
Sending you BIG hugs.
lisa. xo

Dawson Cattle Company said...

so super glad to hear your strength is coming back. and you curse all you want. scream, yell and throw things. your allowed. sending happy thoughts to you and your people!

Anonymous said...

Trots op jou, lieve sterke Leo.

Heb even géén andere woorden na het bijlezen van je blogs.
Wens jullie alle kracht toe.

X Marinke

Amy said...

You be as scared as you want/need to be. In the meantime, I'll be here helpless to do anything but pray, which is a pretty powerful something.

Tee-iabo Designs said...

Curse away...we are all here to support you! I put you on the prayer list at Bible Study today. Girly, you are going to to beat this. Too many angels have your back for you not to. God is blessing you everyday with the presence of positive people. Lots of love and hugs.

Sonya

Farmchick said...

Curse all you want! If anyone deserves a few dirty words in their daily language, it would be you! Keep the faith and please know that all kinds of people out there are praying for you everyday.

Dreaming said...

Hmmm, seems everyone feels the same way about your swearing! By the way, 'scared shitless' is one of my favorite expressions - and you have every right to feel that way.
On a positive note, how wonderful that you have gained strength. Hooray that you are able to do Round 2. Think of a fighter that has to go several rounds... you can do it. You are gonna kick this thing into orbit!

Jeanie said...

Even with two steps forward and one step back you will reach the goal of being cured. Hang on to your faith in yourselves and in your doctors and keep feeling all the support that is coming your way.

Tanna at The Brick Street Bungalow said...

You can swear away or do whatever you need to do... anything! You are in the heat of battle. This thing is ugly and mean and it fights dirty. We are roaring with you in a battle scream!

I am so glad that your strength has improved. You are an amazing warrior. Sending fierce prayers and big hugs!! tanna

Chatty Crone said...

I don't cuss much either - but if I were you - I'd cuss. It is okay to get mad and question why - I've done it for you and I've done it for things that have happened to me.

Darn I hate you have to go thru all this.

I would trust what your doctors said - you had it before and it is being killed and there is a battle going on and you are going to win it girl!

So picture yourself fighting those bad cells and letting the good one win.

Watch a lot of funny shows and laugh - it is so important.

And can you take Vitamin C?

And we all will be praying.

Love,
sandie

Garden of Egan said...

You have every right to swear! You haven't ever stopped being in my prayers.
Damn cancer crap.

Hang on my friend! Love and hugs to you.

Michaele said...

Thank you for sharing this. The more we know about what you are going through the more we can be there with you and know what you need us to pray about. It's okay to be scared shitless and my spell check thinks we should say shirtless.

Ms. A said...

Curse all you want, I can definitely understand your frustration and fear. Grateful you have gained strength. Many blessings, thoughts and prayers, Leontien. Big hugs!

Cinderella11pm said...

Oh my. Oh dear Leontien, that sucks! Curse all you want to.

I cannot imagine the roller coaster of what you have been going throuhgh and now are going through again with this latest thing -

my empathy, hugs and I am so sorry I can do nothing to heal and remove all of this from your body. I wish I could. Oh, I wish I could!

I have no faith in oncologists at all, and very little in doctors in general.

They say it is working - but that this has been there all along? %&*!+*$%! them!!!!!!

You've been through more with such amazing grace than I ever thought any human was capable of enduring and being.

I am sorry there has been anything but completely good news.

More hugs. You have so much love here. More hugs and prayers for you, dear Leontien.

Round 2? I'd be wanting to put 2 rounds in someone's head.

Annette said...

My personal philosophy on cursing is that if you do it all the time, it isn't as powerful. If you rarely swear, and then do so for honest-to-God necessary like this reasons, it helps. Keep fighting. Kicking butt cancer fighting is worthy of swearing. Go for it.

ann said...

You hang in there I am still praying for you. I hate cancer.

Leah @ Beyer Beware said...

Prayers for you friend. Hang tight. Keep following the doctors orders and don't over think this. Your body might just be rebelling or maybe it's pissed. Now focus on round 2 to get all of this cancer out of you!

Tammy said...

I'm with you in spirit! !!@!X@ {{Hugs}} ♥

Sandi said...

Oh, Leo....wish I could give you a hug, although that might be painful at this point.

Looking over the comments...so many care and are praying for you.

I wish you were not having to go through this. I'm pretty sure the universe won't collapse with a few curse words.

Thinking and Praying for you.

Many Blessings ~ Sandi

Arkansas Patti said...

There is nothing not scary about Cancer but I feel better that your doctor is not really concerned about the bump.
Itching just sucks and is mind consuming. I hope that quits really soon.
Also that you are gaining strength and ease of breath is good news. Keep fighting, you will get through this.
Prayers have not stopped.

Cris said...

Honey I am thinkin' of you... and you go on an curse if you need to... You keep kickin' this thing...

Big HUGS!

Dolores said...

It's so good to hear that you're getting stronger, and can walk further....

I agree with who ever said that you were a work in progress...... you are....... you can curse, scream, kick.....whatever it takes to kick this cancer in the butt.

Please know that you're in my thoughts and prayers each day.... for your complete healing.

I love the pictures of the kitty...so precious!

Renee said...

Hi Mrs LEONTIEN, Pleasure to meet you :) Jacob says Hi :D

Jacob15 said...

Hi Mrs LEONTIEN,
Thank you for visiting my blog :)
Blessing to meet you.
Jacob...

Betsy from Tennessee said...

Hi Leontien, I was glad to hear from you.. I have been praying for you ---and even though I have been sick, my situation is not nearly as serious as yours...

Please keep FIGHTING.... You can beat this horrible disease.... I'm counting on it...

God Bless You.. I will keep you in my prayers as long as you are suffering in any way at all.

Hugs,
Betsy

It's me said...

Lieverdje......hij loopt nog hoor tot 1 december!!...dus doe mee!! leuk !!...liefs van mij...xxx...

gowestferalwoman said...

Wishing you the best happiest nonscary thoughts ever to hang on to - GOOD HEALTHY LIVING THOUGHTS TO LEOTIEN ALWAYS -


something I read this week - "you can live life, or you can spend life fearing death" - I know when im in physical pain, scared crapless and miserable, its hard to think straight of anything else, but im trying to choose living life, even if i have to gimp along...please walk along with me, friend; I'd enjoy the company!

fannie5882 said...

Hi Leontien,

Curse all you want, in Dutch, English, Spanish... Let those nasty cells know in words too they are not at all welcome!!!!
Love, Joost & Fannie

A man called Valance said...

Rooting for you, Leontien.

Ricki Jill Treleaven said...

Hello, Sweetie! Thanks for stopping by and commenting about Definitely Not Mr. Darcy. I think you would love it because it is so dang funny! OH, and I just discovered your other blog. I am going to play over there later today and start following! ;P

I am still praying for you, my dear. I am happy that you are up for Round 2. Great news!!!

(((hugs))) from Alabama,
Ricki Jill

Cheryl @ The Farmer's Daughter said...

Hi Leontien! I'm so happy to see your comment! And I'm happy to hear that you are getting stronger and breathing easier, too! Hope the itchiness goes away and that the bump will be shrinking too. You are a warrior in the battle for your life and you just cuss if you feel like it! We're all behind you 100% as you fight this battle. We're praying and rooting for you as you soldier on. Stay strong and as one of the other bloggers said...find something to laugh about when you can. Read jokes, watch funny videos, whatever. I've read that laughter helps release the good things in our bodies that fight against the bad stuff! My prayers and love are with you! Hugs, Cheryl

Lana said...

Yes dear I ran the combine on my family's farm and a good bit of ours this year without any real major complications. I LOVE being in that big machine. Yesterday was a crazy day for me: Bowling birthday party for our youngest and her First Grade class, while the oldest went to a Purdue volleyball game with her team. Hubby is helping another farmer get his pretty much horizontal corn out before it gets too bad around here, AND my niece had her baby last night. Whew!

I hear you are starting up treatments again tomorrow, so I will be keeping you in the front of my mind and top of my prayers. Courage, strength, and the greatest of gifts, LOVE. I think that last one pulls us through the rough spots when the other two start to fade.

HUGE HUGS!

Dawn said...

I wish I could give you a big ol' hug. You are an AMAZING gal. I wish I could be HALF as amazing as you are!!!!
hugs dear friend. from all of us!!!!

Poppy said...

You curse all you want to girl!! I would be scared too, we are all rooting for you, sending you BIG HUGS xxxxxx

Carla said...

Leontien, I just read the article about you in Progressive Dairyman. I so hope these next treatments go well! From one dairy farmer to another ...

Carla
truthordairy.blogspot.com

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