OK, today is the day.
Bastiaan and I are heading back to Indy...
My little sister came back from The Netherlands again for a couple of weeks to support all of us and I am pretty sure my mom, dad and little brother are going to do an awesome job keeping the farm running. Making sure the boys (our employees) and our girls (our cows) are getting the best of everything.
Still incredibly scared but ready to fight again if the doctor says we are going to go for round two but since we are not quite sure what the doctor is going to say (probably "yes, let's do it") it is not only scary but also a bit nerve racking...
It might be a while before I see you all again. But I am gonna assume it will be not too long...
I'm gonna miss you!
In case we are a little bit longer gone... Bastiaan might have given an update onLove for Leontien
What I believed at some point as simply not possible, just
came with time... I can walk from one side of the house to the other,
without toppling over from lack of breath… I can even walk to my mom and dad’s house (if I really
wanted), three quarters of a mile down the road!
The stress test went well. Doc says I am ready for Round Two…
I don’t think I am ready for Round Two…
Last Thursday I was sleeping in a little bit, like I have been doing since I got back from the
hospital and I was having this incredibly annoying, please, please go away,
itch. One of the side effects is itchiness and for the last week, somehow it
just doesn’t wanna stop.
I rub myself with five different lotions but they all
seem to work a couple of hours and then I have to undress and lather up all
over again. But Bastiaan and I reason this to be a good thing, it just means
that the chemo stuff is still doing its thing and thus Kill, Kill, Kill all those
So while I lay in bed, scratching myself everywhere until
I am nice and red all over again, thinking by myself that I really need another
bottle of lotion, right here besides my bed, I feel something (feeling something that wasn’t there before on your body is NOT a
YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING!!!????
I jump out of bed towards the bathroom and check again.
It could be imagination, you know. Very common amongst patients
to feel things that are not really there just because they are scared that
something is there…
There was defiantly something there.
And then I got a little angry, well and then MAD and then
even MADDER (don’t know if that is a proper English word but my spelling check
says it’s ok…) and then I got REALLY REALLY upset.
How come that we are doing this immense-awful chemo
stuff, which almost killed me (and I thought the whole plan behind this chemo
thing was that I was NOT going to be dying any time soon) and now I am feeling a
little bump in my armpit…
Let me tell you this is NOT very uplifting, hopeful or
encouraging while trying to Kick Cancer in the Butt.
I called IU in Indianapolis but they didn’t pick up the
phone so I called my Dr Nala. She told me to come right away and she would have
a look (did I tell you she and the nurses over there are just little angels???).
Bastiaan and I rushed to the hospital and Dr Nala checked the little bump. Yes
it was defiantly there and no I wasn’t just in my imagination (which I of
course new, but then again I have been wrong about my body in the past…). Dr Nala
got on the phone and checked with my doctor at IU and together they looked at
my CAT-scans and discussed the situation.
Their explanation: It had been there before, I just might
not have felt it any sooner and/or because of the chemo it might have enlarged
a bit or got closer to the surface of the skin and that is why I felt it now. BUT
that it did NOT mean that the chemo is not working and/or that we are not doing
the whole kill, kill, kill thing, so we shouldn’t (never ever) give up!
I am scared shitless.
(I promised myself
I wouldn’t curse in my blog… I am promising you now it won’t happen again)
When you gain about 7 pounds in 3 days you look like a
tomato. And no I don’t mean a cute little tomato on a little green limb but a FAT, I do not
feel happy RED ( called the IL-2 tan) I’m almost falling of off my stick
tomato! Being like a tomato is not a good thing. Especially when you keep telling
the doctor you are feeling “peachy”…
I got 12 treatments in. They (the doctor and very sweet
nurses) say this is a really good thing cause the total you can get is 14
treatments in the first round. We started Monday the 17th. Every
eight hours they would give me the Inter Leukin, but by Thursday I had
accumulated so much fluid that my heart had a lot of trouble pumping all my
blood to my organs.
A little birdie told me once that it is pretty important
to have your heart pump blood around too all your organs all the time...
So Dr Logan and his team stopped treatment and they focused
on “fixing me up” quick so my heart didn't get crazy ideas. Which I think was a super idea! We stayed in on the Intensive Care Unit until
Tuesday the 25th instead of Sunday the 23th (like normal IL-2
patients) because they wanted to make sure I was all right, that my heart was
doing fine, and the fluid was decreasing. Also I needed to get my strength back
and get of off the oxygen, (like those little old ladies you see in the movies toting
around one of those oxygen tanks… although I didn't walk at all at that time…)
and start breathing normally.
I don’t remember very much of being in the hospital, only
what my family tells me I did or didn’t do. But maybe that is better. It must
have been very hard on them though….
Today I have been home for a week. I can shower by myself
(WHOOHOO!!!), I can breathe, read and write again (Oh Yeah Baby) and I can talk
walks outside and see Classic, Jones and the crazy cats. I have been to the
farm for the first time yesterday and seen our girls...
Life is good.
But this was only part one.
In order to do the
full Inter Leukin Treatment (and kill kill kill all those nasty cells) we have
to do another round off 5 days Intensive Care…
And, well… we are not sure my heart can take another
round. So this week were going to fuel up, get strong, get stamina back and
learn to walk to the other side of the house and not be totally exhausted… (no,
our house is NOT that big…) AND do a stress test. This stress test is to see if
my heart can take another round. They are also going to draw some blood and we
are going to see Dr Logan again.
In the mean time I just am overwhelmed (in a GOOD way)
with your prayers, cards, gifts, presents, flowers, bears, cookies, socks, pirate games,
monkeys in a jar, lollypops, crèmes and all the other goodies you guys sent me
and continue to feel very much blessed and loved! You Crazy American’s really
do things bigger and better!!! Haha!
Fresh. Determined. Stubborn. Worried. Blessed!
Love living life in Indiana with my husband and family. Had an American Dream about milking cows, hugging my Black Stallion and drive my BMW on dusty back roads with the music cranked up. And being blessed with all of that! Also trying to kick cancer in the buttocks with some scull panties and the help of family & friends. Love to read books, talk lots and find new ways to express myself…
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