Gone, but never forgotten: a tribute to Leontien

Here is an other great article about our lovely Leontien. Written by Emily Caldwell from Progressive Dairyman.






http://proudtodairy.ning.com/profiles/blogs/gone-but-never-forgotten-a-tribute-to-leontien

Leontien's memorial folder

Funeral and viewing arrangements

Hereby we send you the link from the funeral home. Where you can find the arrangements for the funeral and viewing.

http://www.thomarich.com/obituaries/Leontien-Oostdijck/

With Love - Bastiaan, Wim, Maria, Hanneke, Roland, Jan-Willem and Meagan

At 12:00 in the afternoon on January 10^th the suffering of our spirited, sweet, funny, strong, beloved Leontien ended and she left this world for the next.  It was a peaceful passing, and she was surrounded by her loved ones when she went.  We would like to thank each and every one of you for the support and love that you have sent her and her family through this difficult time.  Words cannot possibly express how much it has meant to her and to each and every one of us.  It is safe to say that Leontien was a true inspiration for many, and it is our hope that she will continue to be so.

Funeral and viewing arrangements are pending, but we will be sure to post the information when it is all decided upon.

Thank you all so much, and God Bless.

With Love – Bastiaan, Wim, Maria, Hanneke, Roland, Jan-Willem, and Meagan   

Miracles do happen…

When hundreds & hundreds of people who you do not know, still say prayers every morning  & evening and keep having faith & hope when you might have lost it a little bit…

When hundreds & hundreds of people that we do not all, know sent cards, gifts & lovely surprises just to show their support and love…

When you are able to see your husband smiling at you each morning and say “Hello Honey”, and when family & friends come over often to just do, “fun things”… And look at our Alpaca's...

 
In the previous blog post I told you all about being admitted to the hospital and doing my “Poopie Dance”. And I have been dancing ever since, because I wake up in the morning! The doctors gave me about two weeks to two months to live…   Yes..      I know..

It is the eleventh of December now…!!!

For me that is one miracle every day. Not that it this is easy. Because you KNOW you could NOT wake up the next morning. But really that is not even the scariest part. Because I believe that (hopefully) somebody saved me a little spot up there in Heaven… so no reason to be scared about dying itself.

The more scary part is the how…

I am afraid that my family or Bastiaan will have bunches and bunches of trouble with me because I’m gonna go a little crazy on them, like talking like a crazy person, (Yeah I know, I already do that sometimes, haha) . But it worries me, to become somebody I do not know.

Or worse that they have to take care of me 24/7…

I am a very independent lady (yes, stubborn.. hehe), and I want to do things my way. It was sooooo hard to give up “control” of the farm because, for one I love it so much and for two, It was kinda my dream. Having had your dream and then having to give it up again is though… But I know it is in good hands with my family and Bastiaan.

And at least MY DREAM CAME TRUE…

How wonderful is that?!?

Last Year Emily Caldwell from Progressive Dairyman wrote a story about me and my Family. She did a wonderful job of writing it up and won an award! She also managed to get us to the number 1 spot on their most read articles!!! If you click on the link below you can find the updated article and the original article!

Progressive dairyman Article!

I don’t know how many more posts I can write. I would love too, but I just don’t know. My eyesight is not doing so well, and my “thinking cap” seems to be lost some days. But I will promise you, if something happens I will make sure you get an update. Please check Facebook, The Four Leaf Clover Dairy website and of course here at my blog.

Maybe the doctors are “wrong” again and I’m still typing away in a year from now! I love you all.

And miracles do happen, you know…

…

Doing the "Poopie" Dance

It has been to long…
It has been to hard…
And there had to be too many difficult decisions to be made…

Down the drain and/ or toilet bowl goes the “upbeat attitude” for the fifth time that day because another set of pain killers did not want to do their trick and since going to the bathroom and trying to perform a solid #2 (which yes can actually be a relief for some people, especially after 10 days…) Life just starts slipping away…

And it did.

 
Somewhere on or around the 14^th day of this past beautiful September month Bastiaan “stuffed” me in the BMW. I wasn’t really at the point of complaining anymore, I was just ready to head for the biggest besets tree and show everybody that I was NOT afraid of dying but that this pain & suffering and hurtfulness needed to stop. For everybody!  Not just me…

Of course I did not drive, and we arrived safely at the hospital  with Dr Nala, She was fast, no crazy questions, no accusations, only understanding and a,” what are we going to do now attitude?!”  About three weeks before this horrible Thursdays we had started the new drug: Yeroy (Maybe you have seen the pics on my Facebook website as well as the Love For Leontien site, Thank you girls!) and we were feeling good about it.

Yervoy is a biologic therapy so it it’s not a “chemo” and it works differently but the main goal of course is the same:  to “kill” all the little nasty cells and live a long and happy life. But three weeks into the therapy I had was having some pain in my shoulder.  I did not think much of it because, me being me, I just felt the need to mow the ENTIRE yard the day before…  Well… we have a really nice lawnmower and the sun was just about down ,  it was a good day… so I thought why not…? Besides the side effects were not that bad, a little nauseated, tired, constipated, a little of everything but nothing really worth mentioning… I was doing fine…

But I really did feel a little “whipped” after I got off of the lawnmower, but no worries…  No “little” lawn is going to bring me down!

We decided that we could start with round two of the Yervoy, because the pain in the shoulder was pretty annoying but I still thought it was going to be OK and the side effects were doable. The only thing that worried me a bit was that I had all these little “spots” popping up, like, they were everywhere.  But Dr Nala explained that it was a normal side effect and they had seen that happen in different patients before.

And then the pain got worse…

Bastiaan was on the phone every day with the doctor’s office to see if there was something we could use to make sure the pain went away. But it didn’t. And then I stopped eating. Well, I wasn’t going to the bathroom no more, and everything that did go down were pills and crackers while trying not to puke them back up…

The really bad part was when I did not know how to lie down anymore, that’s when you know you’re in trouble. If you don’t know how to sit, lay, stand, hold yourself anymore that’s when your hubby says “enough is enough” and will take you to the hospital.  Even though you still think you can though it out…

That day Dr Nala looked at me for 2 seconds and says you are staying here with us.

By nightfall we had done all kinds MRI’s and CAT scans, and other tests and they had put me on some serious pain medication. And then morning came…

And results…

Seven weeks ago my brain was clean/clear/empty (yes,  I do  remember joking about it being blond and all…) in other words it was fine…

It is not fine anymore. They found little cherry tomato size tumors in my head.  And not just one, no there were five of them, besides multiple little ones. Also the found out why I had so much pain in my shoulder, it was because some other little tumor was  pressing up against a nerve in my spinal column which caused the excruciating pain.  We did decide that day that we were going to do radiation on the head as well as the spinal cord, because the chance of me getting into major problems with one of those brain tumors was just to big. Doing the radiation on the spinal cord was an “easier” decision because it would mean, hopefully, less pain…

We did 10 days of radiation (I even got my Certificate, that I completed the treatment, whoohoo!!!)

We started eating again as soon as Saturday! But only the GOOD stuff, like fresh fruit, whipped cream, fries, chocolate cake, chips, you get the picture…

And yes after 13 days of not being able to go to the bathroom I have to say actually did a little “poopie” dance!!! On the toilet, by myself… didn’t think anybody needed to see that… but I did it anyway!

Bastiaan took me home
It was a good day…

A lot has happened since and I am really trying to get everything on paper, but currently I am on 20 different medicines and I sleep a lot. If I am not sleeping we have been so blessed with family and friends that come on over or take the time to write or call, so our house is never really empty…

And I do look at the Flowers for Leontien Page  & The Love for Leontien Page  (please go and have a look!) a lot and that I haven’t written you does not mean I forgot about you it just means I’m running out of time… Thank you so so much for your support,  I really would have been a little bit lost without all of your prayers and kind words…

Since getting out of the hospital and now a lot has happened yet again... And i am not quite ready yet to put that down on paper so you have to bear with me, yet again... a little bit longer...

…

Thankful Thursday!

Yep, it sure is a Thankful Thursday

Although we have to go to the hospital today for some new head and body scans, at least I can look forward to the eardrum breaking noise and image for forty minutes that I am at a rave party…

Although we have to make choices every day that an 33 year old and her husband shouldn't have to make, we still wake up together every morning and feel very blessed... 

Although we don’t have any family over at the moment, and the house seems a bit empty, I treasure all the moments from past months when we enjoyed their company…

Although I haven’t posted, commented on stories, seen all your incredible pictures of flowers, texted, Facebooked or Twittered, talked or SEEN you in what looks like ages, I still think of you all EVERY SINGLE DAY!

Although we hadn’t had rain for over 6 weeks (more or less) the sun is shining and my own, very first, vegetable garden is doing AMAZING…

Although our ladies (yes the cows!) are having a hard time with all this heat, they know that we will do whatever it takes too keep them as cool and comfortable as possible…

Although we are still getting bad news every time we go see Dr Nala, at least I’m still here (feeling good physically besides the pain) and can give other people the false hope things are going well…

Fake It untill you Make It! Right?

I hope you have a FANTASTIC Thursday and Thank You for being the best support team anyone could possibly have!!!


...

Old Hands...

My hands look like the hands of an 80 year old lady

My hands hurt like the hands of an 80 year old lady

I sometimes feel like a lady who has lived 80 years, just by looking at my hands…

And yes, this might have to do with the fact that we were in the emergency room for over ten hours… Well… and the fact that they used my hands as a (several) pin cushion(s)… And, maybe, the fact that we had to stay in the hospital (again) for over 10 days because I had an unexplained fever… Oh… and the pneumonia that we didn't know I had…

Good thing I that I can open my own bottle of water again, with these old hands, it is kind of a bother to keep asking people to open up bottles of water when you are supposed to keep hydrated... (Thank You Mommy, Daddy, Hanneke, Jan Willem, Megan and of course my everything: Bastiaan!!).

It is also a good thing too that I am home. I like being home. Bastiaan and I have been throwing this idea around to rent a big camper and to go “see” places (you know, normally we would do this when we would be 70+), but plans have to be adjusted sometimes... I like to be home for now.

Besides opening water bottles it is also a nice thing to be able to “do” things again. Like (and this keeps repeating itself for some strange reason…) going to the bathroom by myself without falling of the “pot”, putting socks on (I like my socks and I have not one pair of toe slipper thingies so, I need socks…), playing with my new phone, getting in our lovely bathtub, and more important, getting out of the bathtub… and typing new blog posts and doing the “Facebook thing”, gosh, I hope they don’t drop the “timeline” disaster on me any time soon…

I can’t vacuum the house yet, but I’m not sure if that is a good thing or a “bad” thing. Hehe…

We are having a hard time (not that it was not hard before) but we got quite a shock from the horrible hospital experience two weeks ago, don’t get me wrong, the nurses and (most) of the doctors were really nice, it was just the overall experience of being a test bunny that got to me and Bastiaan & the family (and the pain). I do not mind being a test bunny if it will help other people with this grueling disease but… just don’t let me FEEL like a hurting test bunny…

And to be completely honest, I do not know how many times I can crawl out of a 10 meter deep hole (hmmm that would be 33 feet…) again…

Yes, we had to stop the Zelboraf treatment because of the pneumonia & fever (which they never really figured out after giving me 7 different antibiotics; "which one did the trick...?", and yes the docs really like me to start again as soon as possible, but… I just don’t feel ready yet…

Maybe if my hands look like my hands again instead of the hands of a 80 year old lady and more important they don’t hurt anymore, and I have seen me some cute looking girls (almost as good as seeing a beautiful black stallion ;-)) at the dairy, we’ll be ready to do round number four…

Maybe. 

I just love being home right now.

...

6 weeks and two days ago

6 weeks and two days ago…

See… I have been trying to write.

Well, I have been trying in my head really really hard and it all sounded perfectly fine… Somehow it just didn't quite make it onto the paper, or well, because we do live in the modern days, on my perfectly fine purple laptop…

Now I have so much to tell you that I don’t know where to start!

First: I missed you all very much!

Second: We got more news last Tuesday (six weeks ago), and yes my plan was to write this down all nice and fuzzy, reason being everything seems much harsher on paper… like, if you tell a person that is sitting across from you, you can tone things down with good facial expressions or smile even more bright when you deliver sad news. When you write things down you can smile a comforting smile but no one is there to see, and thus… much harsher…

Not that it is really bad, it could be worse, but it was not what we have been hoping for either.

So, here we go: rib, breast, spine, lung and liver area are still stable; this means nothing got bigger, and nothing got smaller. The spot in my small intestine got smaller, which is good news and this might indicate that the IL-2 is working, but the spot around the ovary got a bit bigger, so were back to square one, more or less.  Because the scans don’t really indicate what it is they are seeing (they just see something there that should not be and is bigger than a month ago) we need to do more testing next week.

New doctor, new procedures, new nurses, which I am sure are going to be wonderful (the doctors and nurses, I don’t know about the procedures…), but still it is a bit scary. We were hoping the IL-2 just would have done its job and made everything smaller (or made it disappear all together) but maybe it is just a bit slow and needs some more time.

And well, time is a bit of an issue

Not that I don’t have time, I have plenty (or so I like to think) but this “giving it time” thing is really stressful!!!  And thinking about being sick 24/7 doesn’t really make you feel better or makes you go back to work, writing, riding or relaxing…  So… it is even more stressful to be stressful.

Trying to be stress free is hard work.

But my sweet friend told me in a very stern voice yesterday, that I better get my act together and be a little selfish for a change, stop worrying about everything that I like to worry about and GET BETTER! She said; everybody would understand if I took a little break every now and then to fight this nasty fight because if I didn’t, they (as in my family and friends) would be a whole lot more upset if I didn’t take these little breaks and not be here not more because I wasn’t a bit more “selfish” and take the time to heal and kill some nasty cells…

Oh well…. that was a bit of a rambling thing, but I think you get the picture, right? Less stress, more cancer kicking in the butt and getting to meet lovely new people (nurses in this case)… hehe...

Today it has been over six weeks since I wrote this post above...

I had to go into surgery the next day after writing this.

They took out my left ovary.

We did new scans.

All the tumors grew since January.

The IL-2 did not work.

This Monday, and yes with this Monday I mean Monday the 5^th of March 2012 we are going to start with the new drug, recently approved by the FDA, Zelboraf.  And I am going to try my hardest to keep writing, just because I love it. Because I love life, and because I love you all. Yes this sounds a bit creepy, but it is meant well…

Third time is the charm, right?

...

Sometimes I wish

Sometimes I wish

I wish that it was like it used to be, let’s say, 25 years ago…

No worries, playing with grandma what it would be when I was all grown up.

Well, I’m grown up all right, and it is absolutely nothing like I thought it was going to be.

Bastiaan and I went to the hospital last Friday to get the results of the scan we had the previous Monday.

The good news was that nothing really got any bigger, the doc did see some “new” spots but he thought they were already there last time, before we started the IL-2 treatment. They were new to us, so I just hope the doctor is right (and yes I trust him so I shouldn't worry too much…). The not so good news was, of course, that they didn't get any smaller either...

I know this all is actually good news and I know I should be really happy, the news that we got Friday was above all our (mine for sure, which is only proof that I still don’t know my body) expectations, but “happy” doesn’t seem to be on the menu lately.

I think that is why I’m having such a difficult time writing, I do not want to be negative (I always imagined my little stories to be positive and hopefully make people laugh) or write negative stories/blog posts, so I didn’t write at all for (what seems to  me) a incredibly long time…

Sorry it took me so long

Your prayers, gifts, cards and above all love still give me inspiration every day. And if you can hang in there with me a little bit longer I am (almost) sure we are going to be oke and smile like that little girl again…


...

The C stands for ...

When we were in the hospital something amazing happened!
Well... I think it was pretty amazing, anyway...

It is very uplifting/humbling to see your life story written down by somebody else, it sure makes you feel very blessed! I really hope you like Emily's article!

And i am sorry but you have to click the link in order to get to the article (maybe even open a new window)...

Chasing a Dream: One woman's fight for a Dairy farm life


...

Things are going well. Every new day is a better one then the day before. Hopefully we are going to see the girls today! And i am sure happy to be back here with all of you!

Round Two starts Today...

OK, today is the day.
Bastiaan and I are heading back to Indy...

My little sister came back from The Netherlands again for a couple of weeks to support all of us and I am pretty sure my mom, dad and little brother are going to do an awesome job keeping the farm running. Making sure the boys (our employees) and our girls (our cows) are getting the best of everything.

Still incredibly scared but ready to fight again if the doctor says we are going to go for round two but since we are not quite sure what the doctor is going  to say (probably "yes, let's do it") it is not only scary but also a bit nerve racking...

It might be a while before I see you all again. But I am gonna assume it will be not too long...

I'm gonna miss you!

In case we are a little bit longer gone... Bastiaan might have given an update on Love for Leontien


...

You got to be kidding?!?

What I believed at some point as simply not possible, just came with time... I can walk from one side of the house to the other, without toppling over from lack of breath… I can even walk to my mom and dad’s house (if I really wanted), three quarters of a mile down the road! 

Whoohhooo!

The stress test went well. Doc says I am ready for Round Two…

I don’t think I am ready for Round Two…

Last Thursday I was sleeping in a little bit, like I have been doing since I got back from the hospital and I was having this incredibly annoying, please, please go away, itch. One of the side effects is itchiness and for the last week, somehow it just doesn’t wanna stop.

I rub myself with five different lotions but they all seem to work a couple of hours and then I have to undress and lather up all over again. But Bastiaan and I reason this to be a good thing, it just means that the chemo stuff is still doing its thing and thus Kill, Kill, Kill all those nasty cells…

So while I lay in bed, scratching myself everywhere until I am nice and red all over again, thinking by myself that I really need another bottle of lotion, right here besides my bed,  I feel something  (feeling something  that wasn’t there before on your body is NOT a good thing)…

YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING!!!????

I jump out of bed towards the bathroom and check again.

It could be imagination, you know. Very common amongst patients to feel things that are not really there just because they are scared that something is there…

There was defiantly something there.

And then I got a little angry, well and then MAD and then even MADDER (don’t know if that is a proper English word but my spelling check says it’s ok…) and then I got REALLY REALLY upset.

How come that we are doing this immense-awful chemo stuff, which almost killed me (and I thought the whole plan behind this chemo thing was that I was NOT going to be dying any time soon) and now I am feeling a little bump in my armpit…

Let me tell you this is NOT very uplifting, hopeful or encouraging while trying to Kick Cancer in the Butt.

I called IU in Indianapolis but they didn’t pick up the phone so I called my Dr Nala. She told me to come right away and she would have a look (did I tell you she and the nurses over there are just little angels???). Bastiaan and I rushed to the hospital and Dr Nala checked the little bump. Yes it was defiantly there and no I wasn’t just in my imagination (which I of course new, but then again I have been wrong about my body in the past…). Dr Nala got on the phone and checked with my doctor at IU and together they looked at my CAT-scans and discussed the situation.

Their explanation: It had been there before, I just might not have felt it any sooner and/or because of the chemo it might have enlarged a bit or got closer to the surface of the skin and that is why I felt it now. BUT that it did NOT mean that the chemo is not working and/or that we are not doing the whole kill, kill, kill thing, so we shouldn’t (never ever) give up!

I am scared shitless.

 (I promised myself I wouldn’t curse in my blog… I am promising you now it won’t happen again)

...

Back in the land of the Living...

My gosh…

Cancer Butt Kicking is HARD!!!

I remember the first day in the hospital

I remember the last day of being in the hospital

I remember it being so hard to breathe

I remember Bastiaan being there… always…

When you gain about 7 pounds in 3 days you look like a tomato. And no I don’t mean a cute little tomato  on a little green limb but a FAT, I do not feel happy RED ( called the IL-2 tan) I’m almost falling of off my stick tomato! Being like a tomato is not a good thing. Especially when you keep telling the doctor you are feeling “peachy”…

I got 12 treatments in. They (the doctor and very sweet nurses) say this is a really good thing cause the total you can get is 14 treatments in the first round. We started Monday the 17^th. Every eight hours they would give me the Inter Leukin, but by Thursday I had accumulated so much fluid that my heart had a lot of trouble pumping all my blood to my organs.

A little birdie told me once that it is pretty important to have your heart pump blood around too all your organs all the time...

So Dr Logan and his team stopped treatment and they focused on “fixing me up” quick so my heart didn't get crazy ideas.  Which I think was a super idea!  We stayed in on the Intensive Care Unit until Tuesday the 25^th instead of Sunday the 23th (like normal IL-2 patients) because they wanted to make sure I was all right, that my heart was doing fine, and the fluid was decreasing. Also I needed to get my strength back and get of off the oxygen, (like those little old ladies you see in the movies toting around one of those oxygen tanks… although I didn't walk at all at that time…) and start breathing normally.

I don’t remember very much of being in the hospital, only what my family tells me I did or didn’t do. But maybe that is better. It must have been very hard on them though….

Today I have been home for a week. I can shower by myself (WHOOHOO!!!), I can breathe, read and write again (Oh Yeah Baby) and I can talk walks outside and see Classic, Jones and the crazy cats. I have been to the farm for the first time yesterday and seen our girls...

Life is good.

But this was only part one.

In order to do the full Inter Leukin Treatment (and kill kill kill all those nasty cells) we have to do another round off 5 days Intensive Care…

And, well… we are not sure my heart can take another round. So this week were going to fuel up, get strong, get stamina back and learn to walk to the other side of the house and not be totally exhausted… (no, our house is NOT that big…) AND do a stress test. This stress test is to see if my heart can take another round. They are also going to draw some blood and we are going to see Dr Logan again.

In the mean time I just am overwhelmed (in a GOOD way) with your prayers, cards, gifts, presents, flowers, bears, cookies, socks, pirate games, monkeys in a jar, lollypops, crèmes and all the other goodies you guys sent me and continue to feel very much blessed and loved! You Crazy American’s really do things bigger and better!!! Haha!

THANK YOU!!!

...

I'll be back!

OK...
I think I'm ready...

I will see you in a week or so...!!!
Well...  Maybe sooner if you are up for a pajama party in the hospital.... ;-)

We will see how things go and I'll try to keep you updated! I hope you have a wonderful week and make sure you love every moment of it! And don't forget, I'll be thinking about you all!!!

Big hugs
Leontien




...

Who's afraid of heights?

I am afraid of heights.

Not as much as I am afraid of spiders.

Well... maybe...

I went to Australia a couple of years ago, and it was an absolute wonderful experience. The country is just gorgeous. What I liked the best was the fact that about every two days we had a different scenery. One day we would be at the shore looking at the sea and see the sun go down, the other day we would be in the middle of a rain forest. Well at least I thought it was a rain forest, it sure was hot and humid!

We saw mountains and we saw cows (of course) and very very disappointing, I have to admit, only ONE kangaroo, and I don’t even think it was a kangaroo but a walibi (big difference)! But we did see some koala’s which made up for the lack of kangaroos.

Everything was just fantastic until the day we got the “genius” idea to do something different…

This something different  was us scouting for fun things to do on our way from one destination to the other,  we needed some exercise as well and since we already walked besides the shore (where we found out we really needed good shoes, walking gear AND drinking water) and  the desert (which was just HOT again with crazy amounts of flies, EVERYWHERE but at least we brought water that time) we were very pleased when we saw a sign that said “Tree Top Walks” and an explanation of what a three top walk was (which is a path in the top of the trees, man made, which meant the path was made out of metal with little see true holes  in the bottom and attached with cables and/or laying on TALL round posts and SWAYING) and... some stunning pictures.

Being a little naive and blown away by the great pictures (good advertisement on their part) I thought this would help me get over my fear of heights and so I said “Ok, let’s do it!”

I really should have known better.

The beginning was not so bad.  The “path” started out at “ground level”, but quickly the dirt was not there anymore and we were up in the air. Yes, as long as I would look straight forward and went from tree to tree, it wasn’t so bad… But of course that was NOT the only thing I did.

Nooooo I had to look down, see how those cables where attached to those trees, and because I saw the cables I saw us moving slowly from the right to the left and back, and I did a little calculation that those posts on which this metal path WITH SEE TRUE HOLES was attached too was defiantly not strong enough to keep us up there!!!  Doing all this math is not a good thing when you are up 60 feet (i don't know how high we were, it was HIGH to me) in the air and afraid of heights….

Half way true the “walk” I decided I didn’t get no air anymore… “Well, and that I really was afraid and never ever should have attempt something as dumb as this”. But of course it was a bit too late for that and I hurried on down the half mile path…  pushing everybody out of my way and yelling to keep following me!

Do you know how long half a mile is?

It's pretty far…

I got to the other end and just went on my knees and cried like a little baby. You should have seen the looks on the faces of the other people that came of that path, they for sure thought I lost my mind, but I just could not stop myself!  And just as a reminder, you shouldn’t believe the people who tell you you look lovely after bawling your eyes out for 15 minutes either.  Lucky for me the whole thing was a loop and so I didn’t have to go back over that path to get to the car and face more people. Which would have added more shame upon embarrassment…

We went for some more scenery seeing in the safety of our car… which was just fine with me! I didn’t need no more exercise anyway that day…

I really love trees, love them in my yard, besides the roads, in forests, in pictures or paintings, with leafs or without leafs, but I am never going to attempt to do a three top walk again, EVER!!! There are just some things a girl sound not attempt twice…

...

Monday is coming closer and closer but I don’t quite know if that is a good thing or a bad thing… Guess we will find out soon! I did do some fun things (laying in the yard watching the cats play, called a bunch of good friends and chatted, went pantie shopping with my little sister. I worked at the farm, my little brother is getting really good at cracking those numbers. And read a lot of beautiful blogs, and i am soaking up all the LOVING you guys give me... Everything is going to be just fine...

Problem or Opportunity

I have a little problem…

I have one week…

One week before we start the huge battle…

One week before my life starts to look pretty grim (seeing a list of all the side effects and hoping my body doesn't decide something that my mind doesn't want to admit could even happen) and now I don’t know what to do until we get there…

Do I spent the week by doing all the things I normally don’t do, or do I work like normal (or a little harder) and make sure that everything is good to go when I will be in Indy?

Maybe I’ll do both?

...

Ready... Set... Go...

Ok, you better all get your undies and toothbrush gathered cause you get to visit!!!

The Plan (and yes “The Plan” might change a bit when we move closer to the "starting date") but we have decided on going to Indi. Yes I know this might come (a little bit) as a shock and truth to be told, Chicago was really nice, the people were very sweet and the doctors very knowledgeable but we felt that we wanted to be a bit closer to home...

I really need all of you, my family, my friends, my buddies (Classic, Jones and the cats) and girls (our cows)  to beat this thing with me and I thought I would feel kinda lonely in Chicago... And yes this may seem a bit silly... But i feel stronger this way and ready too fight, so Bastiaan and I thought this would be a good reason because we need to be as strong as possible. In Chicago they told us that we always could come back if necessary, which was a good and nice thing to know.

So, while we decided on where to go, more tests were done, more test results came back and all the treatment options were presented to us. Out of the three options we have chosen for Inter leukin IL-2, this is a fancy smancy name for a shitty (yes I said it) drug, that hopefully will boost my immune system and knock all those nasty cells out of my body. And no, I am not a nurse or doctor so I might not have used the perfect terms to describe it but I think you get the whole picture if you click on the link (which you don't have to cause its no fun anyway).

The Plan in Indy is as follows: We are going to go to the hospital, I will get admitted to the Intensive Care Unit and I will stay there a whole week. They only do five days of treatment, every eight hours, but we'll need the two extra days to recover. Then we will go home for a week, rest... And we will be back at the Intensive Care the following week and we'll do it all over again, if (and this is a big IF apparently) my body (and mind) can stand the treatment.

The side effects are pretty nasty, so I am not going to name them (The list is too long and a tiny bit depressing…). The good thing is that we will have all day visiting rights!!! Whoohoo... Only two people at the same time, but well… I was pretty happy about that!

Bastiaan and my family can stay most of the time and if they need to go home for a bit, (maybe to drive around in some tractors, look at the cows and talk to all the boys, which can be pretty relaxing after spending a lot of time in the IC) somebody else can come for a bit and stay with me...?

There you go, that is The Plan. Having a private party while doing some MAJOR cancer kicking in Indy while wearing our scull panties and new PJ’s!!!  It sounds good to me…

…

Check, check, double check

I have my horse. Check
I have my sword. Check
I have my skull panties. Check
I have my family and friends. Check
I have lot's of love and support. Check
I have lot's of wonderful people praying for me (THANK YOU!). Check

I seem to have all the check's in place. But for whatever reason i can't quite start fighting yet. Maybe this week is, "The Week" and we will stop waiting and start doing... I'm ready...

My new fighting buddies















"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." — Maya Angelou




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How a girls still loves her horse!

It was 1998 and being in a different country (Canada), speaking a different language was not easy, but manageable. A bit harder to manage is riding 15 horses a day, cleaning stalls and look after the mommies and babies. But given there are 24 hours in a day, it is doable…


Nice thing about working with babies and mommies there are usually daddies too! And daddies make a difference! Since i was a little girl I had a soft spot for Walt Disney movies, you know the ones that always end right, the good guy gets the pretty girl and no animals die, ever, or the go to doggy heaven.

So being in a foreign county with all these beautiful horses was just fantastic! There was one in particular, a Morgan stallion named Fox Trim Classic. He was just like the Black Stallion, but sweeter! Basically he was just big pup, but nobody had the guts to compare a horse to a dog, so i just thought he was fantastic. I had the pleasure to ride him in a big show two weeks after i got to meet him and every day after that. I just loved the “big”  (only 15.2 which is really not that big) boy. 


I grew quite fond of his owner as well and I told her if I was EVER going to move to The States and if she EVER wanted to sell him for whatever reason I would take him! Off course being 19 years old and very optimistic and naive about live, I thought it was a reasonable suggestion...

And live goes on.


When we moved to the States in 2006 it never occurred to me that Classic, would still around. He had to be in his twenties and after a full life of breeding every mare presented to him, I didn’t think it was a possibility, of him being alive and kicking… 


I was wrong (in a very good way, wrong)!


In April of 2008 we got the earth shocking news that I had cancer. After that news I was very lost and lonely (even with all my loving family and friends surrounding me) and it was a hectic and stress full time. 


Two weeks after I received the shocking news I got another phone call. From the woman who had Classic!?! If I would be interested in having him, he was all retired and she needed a good home for him, she was getting a divorce and needed to find him a good new home.

After 12 years I said YES right away! It was just a gift from heaven, to let me know that I didn’t have to battle cancer all by myself …


So he came, a little more gray, being beautiful, understanding, sweet and powerful and during chemo, every time if I felt I just couldn’t do it no more I just had to look outside the window and see my black stallion and I know I could…

This all happened three years ago and i STILL look out the window every ten minutes to see if he is there. If we are at the farm and i know bad weather is coming, i will run home and make sure a he and his buddy Jones are ok. And yes, i will make Bastiaan go outside, right before we go to bed, and check up on him. Just in case... And i know Bastiaan doesn't mind...

I am also pretty sure that just like us, he's ready for round two and kick some cancer butt again. He sure is my Black Stallion!

This was one of my first posts from 2009 a little bit changed (no new pictures i just didn't have the time...), i hope you liked it (again)!


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We got home from Chicago and it is decision making time. What doctor, which hospital and what treatment... All of these different decisions make my head spin... Though choices are never easy ;-)